Thursday, December 29, 2005

Transfer-Wk 8,Fri.-Entrophy & My Solution

Last stuttered on 12/29/050 days since last stutter
0 times through drive through0 days since missing shaping
0 days since missing review0 structured phone calls made
1 speeches made0 sales calls made
0 conversations initiated 

In the past week or two, I’ve noticed a serious deterioration in my ability to transfer my targets to the real world. I actually feel like I’ve completely squandered my last week in therapy and all the transfer activities.

I’m pretty upset with my self right now. And since I’m doing this publicly with my real name, I must say, I feel kind of foolish. I suppose I could lie on my blog and imply that things are going well, but the lack of integrity would gnaw at my conscience every time I thought about my therapy. Or worse, those who meet me might think the fault lie with the program when that is obviously not the case at all.

I guess what it comes down to a personal weakness beyond stuttering. It’s a self-discipline failure along with an inability to set priorities. Not that it’s any excuse of my behavior, but I believe these problems are not uncommon in our MTV culture.

Also, I don’t think I’m alone with this problem. I have the distinct feeling others in my program are having the same problems. And in meeting other former participants, I think many, if not most, have similar issues. But like I said, “Not that it’s any excuse”, because I can only be responsible for myself, and my own actions.

Therefore; I should only judge myself on my ability, or inability, to accomplish my goals. And I obviously intend to resolve these problems or I would not be writing this.

A derivative of the above events is that this blog is getting kind of boring .. if I do say so myself. But this may be a good thing, since it has highlighted the fact that I was able to responsibly maintain this blog while under the constraint of time limits. Phase I and II both had firm end dates … I had deadlines.

So what I’ve come up with; is to create a series of ever increasing goals with deadlines. These goals are not going to be earth shattering by any stretch of the imagination, but will be a stretch for me. Actually, anybody who doesn’t stutter will think my goals of making five hundred phone calls or ordering something in the drive through quite ridiculous, but they are well beyond my comfort zone. My long-term goals before the end of the year however, will be well beyond the comfort zone of most non-stutterers.

I will probably post my goals within the next week.

Not meant as advice, please find a qualified therapist if you are interested in similar therapy.


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