Pebbles Under the Tongue

Update and PFSP Information

2006-10-30T19:50:00.000-05:00

Wow, have I been slacking lately! ;-)

Somebody sent me an email this evening asking where he could find more information on PFSP. After I finished my ussual overly verbose reply, I realised I should actually post it on my blog.

But while I'm here, I suppose I should update you on my current status. I still don't practice as much as I should, but I do still practice. My transfers are inconsistent, but things like the drive through, have become an almost daily event ... it's not something I think about too much any more.

I had originally planned to stop the blog after a year had passed, which would have been October 17th. But I still have a few things I want to say, so I'm going to wait until I have the time to say it. Then I'll end the blog officially.

Anyway; Info on PFSP.

The program I took was at the Speech Foundation of Ontario

The program was originally created by Ronald Webster

Ross Barrett runs a similar program in the states.

Also; Judy Kuster has a lot of links and may have more detailed information. Or you can Google her site (pfsp OR "fluency shaping" OR "P.F.S.P.") site:mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/

If you still can't find anything, you might want to contact Tom Weidig, he probably knows of a link.

Good luck.

Transfer-Wk 42,Mon-Excuse lecture & a movie link

2006-08-21T06:21:00.000-04:00

Vikesh posted a trailer for a DVD called “Transcending Stuttering: The Inside Story”. I believe the DVD is available from the National Stuttering Association.
Also, I recently saw this advice given on Yahoo Groups. And thought it was a good lecture on fear and excuses. Enjoy ;-)

Diva,
Consider this...How mant times in the last 10 years-- have you tried to make friends and been rejected--where they said "I don't want to be your friend because you stutter" ?-- How many jobs have you gone for and been told "sorry, we can't hire you w/ that stutter" Consider that it is FEAR of stuttering that is holding you back and not the stuttering itself. The person rejecting you.. is YOU ! You are saying "I can't be his friend,.he won’t like me because I stutter" or "I can't get that job.. I stutter.. I wont even try" Notice -- You are married. You have two kids.. you are a dental assistant.. Do you know how many fluent people never even achieve that ? I know you're thinking "yeah, but.."--but step outside yourself.. Look at yourself objectively.. Most people have a "reason"--a scapegoat-- a fault in their character they blame for not having all they want.. Ours is often stuttering..."I can blame the stutteirng-- I didn't get the job because I stutter.. I don't have friends because I stutter"- -b ut apparenty some people like you and hire you..and you're doing OK in life.. DO you honestly believe if you didn't stutter.. you'd be the most outgoing, super employed person on Earth--that you're perfect in every other way and only stuttering is holding ya back ?
Nah, Diva is holding Diva back : )
From Yahoo Groups-Stuttering Support

PS-Sorry for the recent silence, but I’m still alive …. I’ll try to post more often.

FYI: Rommel's 3rd Annual Charity BBQ

2006-07-26T07:24:00.000-04:00

At the annual PFSP last December, we were informed about Rommel D'Souza and his charity BBQ. Here’s what I wrote about it at the time.

“Rommel’s Charity BBQ was discussed this morning. Basically, one of the past participants got this idea to have a charity BBQ, and took the initiative to do it. He didn’t throw it out there as an idea, but actually made the arrangements, started inviting people, and looking for sponsors. Last year he raised about $3,000.00, which covered his expenses, paid for 2 people who could not afford therapy to take the program, and there is over $500 remaining, which will go towards somebody’s therapy at next years BBQ.”

Well August 12 is the 3rd Annual Rommel's Charity BBQ.

It’s a great cause, and he’s doing it in a financially responsible way. Check out his Financial Accountability page.

If you can’t make it, you can contact him directly to make a donation.

Transfer-Wk 37,Mon-Finally, a new post

2006-07-17T18:49:00.000-04:00

My previous post seemed to imply that I’ve been on vacation for a heck of a long time. Strangers stumbling onto my blog, may assume I’m either so rich I can take a 6 week vacation, or that I was “detained” indefinitely in a communist country. ;-)

Fact is, I’ve just been busy. Actually, I’ve been so busy, that I’ve barely read an email that isn’t from a paying client.

Maintaining a blog is a lot of work, which is probably the reason so many bloggers fail to keep their blogs alive. Tom is doing a good job though, and Sophie seems to have kept A Secret Stutter Exposed pretty active since March, even though I’ve barely read either since before my vacation.

I did meet the doctor at the resort when I was there, so I asked about stutterers in Cuba. I was curious about how people who stutter would be treated in a communist country. Were they given therapy, or pigeon holed into meaningless occupations by some ignorant bureaucrat. The doctor told me that any child displaying a speech impediment would be given therapy (although I didn’t ask what kind).

Anyway, I will try to blog more in the future. I want to maintain the blog until October, so it’s not much longer. Also, I have a therapy follow up on Wednesday, so there should be something to say after that.

On Vacation

2006-06-20T19:03:00.000-04:00

Hi,

Sorry I haven´t updated my blog for a while. I´m on Vacation in Cuba for the next week. My internet connection is sllllllllllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww ... so I don´t know if I´ll be able to write too much this week.

Thanks for understanding.

BTW-Airport security stopped me on my way into the plane because of my stop watch.

Transfer-Wk 31,Thurs-Break from Toastmasters & PFSP Mini Refresher

2006-06-08T22:44:00.000-04:00

2 things:

I’m taking a break from Toastmasters for a while. I seem to have forgotten my goals were originally to push my controlled fluency out of my comfort zone. But lately, I’m using spontaneous fluency more often with mixed results. Whether I’m stuttering or not, is irrelevant since speaking fluently without control is just as counter productive as stuttering.
So, I will be taking a break from it until I get my act together again. Perhaps I’ll try the Toastmasters for People With a Stutter … if I can get downtown at that time.

I’m going to a PFSP mini-refresher tomorrow (Friday). I’m pretty excited about it, and definitely need it. I will try to post something tomorrow evening to let you know how it went.

FYI: Mudiaga video

2006-06-05T09:05:00.000-04:00

I just ran across this video of Mudiaga from a documentary called Help Me To Speak.

In the video, Mudiaga's frustrations are not appearent trying to book an appointment over the telephone. Also, the person he is speaking to, is well mannered, but it is still (I assume) easy for a non-stutterer to recognize the frustration stuttering can cause. In my humble opinion, the scene was well done.

The comments are sympathetic for the most part, and a couple bloggers wrote about it, both supportive and mocking.

Update [Aug 21,2006]: The video has been taken down a couple times, if it's broken again, do a search on "stuttering" on YouTube to find it again.

Transfer-Wk 30,Mon-Accomplishments

2006-05-29T11:42:00.000-04:00

Last week I started at the new client I mentioned previously. It felt really good to start there, and I’m excited about the project I’m working on. The requirements, my skills, and the client are good mix to really make a leap forward in their business.

But what I feel best about is that for the first time in over a decade of working in an industry where people make huge hourly rates, I am finally making the going rate. I’ve seen first year programmers go on to make $90/hr, based solely on their projected image. Some went on to increase their pay even more by ripping off the consulting companies who got them the great rates, then writing bug infested programs for the client. I’ll be the first to admit that these programmers may have been so much better than me that I wasn’t even smart enough to realize it … but I do believe it was image that got them the huge rates. Image is something I’ve had trouble projecting due largely to my stutter.

Sorry for the rant, but I’ve felt under paid for a long time. Mostly this has been due to the unwillingness of headhunters to send me on interviews because of my stutter.

My stutter has increased a bit working at the new client. It’s bad enough to be obvious, but not bad enough to hinder my ability to communicate confidently. I’m missing Full Breath targets a lot, and I’m not stretching my syllables enough. After my therapy, I was stretching my syllables enough to maintain my fluency, and received only positive comments from people, but I still feel self conscious stretching … it’s a psychological thing I’ve really got to get past.

I need more structured transfers.

Because I’m only there 2 days per week, I’m sitting at somebody else’s desk, and their phone rang while I was there. I wasn’t going to answer it, but thought if I don’t answer it and it’s somebody looking for me, it might look kind of weird. So I answered it. This is something that would have terrified me previously, and not that I was enthusiastic about it this time; I did it anyway.

“John MacIntyre speaking” … omg! I did it. Full control.

It turned out they were looking for the regular person who sits there, so I just told them I was new and temporarily sitting at their desk. The whole conversation was in full control, and uneventful. WOW, an uneventful phone call! I love it! Hallelujah!!! ;-)

So that was a big accomplishment for me this week.

I also made 3 … count em … 3 … THREE … successful drive thru attempts last week! None were structured, and I actually wound up in the drive thru from some turn of events which prevented me from going into the restaurant. (btw-I’m not a total fast food freak, but I do like coffee.).

All of these were in full control … it was pretty cool. Maybe I’ll attempt the Timbit transfer again in the coming month! … I’d like to nail that one.

I’ve got a Toastmasters speech on Wednesday. I’ll let you know what happens with that on Thursday. My last few have been getting worse and worse, so I have to work hard to make sure this one is as effective as I would like.

Overall I’ve also noticed an improvement using phone in everyday life.

Transfer-Wk 28,Wed-Successful interview

2006-05-17T10:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I found myself sitting in a boardroom with an IT manager and the Controller of a fairly large company here in the Greater Toronto Area. I was being interviewed for a part time position to maintain, augment, and possibly refactor their current system.

It sounds like a great project, I see them as possibly another long term client. This also diversifies my income so I’m not as affected by the decisions of a single company. And the entire opportunity came as the result of a casual conversation I had with another Toastmaster a few months ago.

Since I would have avoided casual conversation before my therapy, and never would have met this person, had I not been in Toastmasters, and I would have not been in Toastmasters had it been not for my therapy. You can track this opportunity directly back to my speech therapy.

This isn’t even to mention that my interview went so well without my stuttering getting in the way. Don’t get me wrong, I did stutter, but I was able to control it for the most part, and quickly recovered when control slipped away. I also surprised myself by self correcting when I stumbled.

I was also able to avoid a major problem I’ve had in the past in interviews, where my fear of stuttering kills my confidence, and the lack of confidence makes all the great things I’ve done on my resume look like lies.

For the record, I did get the position, and start next week. I’m really looking forward to doing a great job for them.

Transfer-Wk 28,Mon-Bombed Toastmasters speech

2006-05-15T09:33:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned last week, on Wednesday I did my fourth Toastmasters speech. I didn’t do so well, and messed up in a number of areas, including stuttering pretty badly.

The first thing I did wrong was plan my speech before reviewing the objectives laid out in my Toastmasters manual. This messed up everything, and left me scrambling for a topic at the last minute since my original idea did not mesh nicely with the objectives. Things spiraled from there, with me not having transparencies, not memorizing my speech, not reviewing my speech using my fluency targets, etc.

I thought I could cheat by listing my key points on large flip chart, but the marker ran out so my list was barely visible, there by aggravating the listener. I stuttered throughout my speech, forgot 12 out of 13 key symbolic phrases, dropped my notes, and knocked the best speaker trophy off the table before my speech ended.

It was a disaster.

Oh yeah, and I again forgot to record it. ;-)

I was shocked by the feedback I received though, since it was overwhelmingly positive. At first I wondered if I didn’t appear to do better than I felt, or if everybody thought I was stuttering when searching for words, but now I feel the comments I received were fluffed to artificially subsidize my feelings.

To my fellow Toastmasters, I must appear to be getting worse, since on a scale of 1-10, I probably started out as a 5, only to slide back to a 3. Little do they realize I was a 1 (or less) before my therapy last October, so I’ve actually improved.

Saturday I went to a Demosthenes Society meeting. I am constantly amazed by how much these meetings allow me to focus on the skills I learnt in therapy. The member who ran this meeting was speaking with amazing control. It was very inspiring!

We actually had a spelling bee.

What?!? You’re joking right? ahh … nope … we did.

First off let me say that I spell very poorly. I jokingly tell those who mock me; as a programmer, my compiler requires me to spell consistently, not correctly. ;-)

Secondly, I’m not sure about other stutterers, but I bet they felt the same amount of anxiety about spelling bees growing up as I did. To many people who stutter, forced speaking situations are guaranteed humiliation. So hearing ‘spelling bee’ automatically turns my stomach.

But it was a fantastic idea. The member who put it together, had us :

Spell the word (which I think he got out of our PFSP manual)
Use the word in a sentence
Name the appropriate targets for the word.

Kudos to the guy who set up the meeting.

When I am exposed to things like Saturday’s spelling bee, or the meeting formalities at Toastmasters, it immediately seems kind of ridiculous. But you need to remember the purpose of the event. The purpose of both of these events is improved speech (accurate articulation of thoughts and/or fluency), and the activities revolve around these goals.

Transfer-Wk 27,Mon-Burnt out

2006-05-08T10:54:00.000-04:00

Rob posted a comment on my last post:

How did your transfer go in Toronto this week?

Well, I really over estimated how much time I’d have to spend on this, but I can say this; the time I spent doing transfers had a recurring theme; missed Full Breath and Stretched Syllable. I am speaking way to fast, and not breathing properly at all.

To tell the truth, I’m feeling really run down, hence the recent lack of postings. I’m forcing myself to do my daily exercises and routine communications. It’s not just my speech therapy though, it’s everything. Maybe I need a vacation … it has been a year … I think I’ll take a couple days off later in the week.

There are a couple challenges coming up; Wednesday evening, I have my 4th speech at Toastmasters, and next week, I have an interview with a new client. This interview is important to me since it will allow me to diversify my income to a point where I will not be completely dependent on any one client … that will be great!

On June 9th, the Stuttering Centre will be putting on a One-Day Spring Refresher. That will be nice. I question their choice of doing this on a weekday, but it will be worth rearranging my schedule. These events always get me back on track and keep me motivated.

I’ll let you know how my speech goes on Wednesday. I will try to remember to record this one, but so far, I’ve been so wrapped up in the moment, that I’ve forgotten every time.

Transfer-Wk 26,Tuesday-Starter sounds

2006-05-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

This morning doing my shaping, I caught myself doing something which I’ve noticed throughout and since therapy. Basically, I have found that I will often use starter sounds. For example; until I corrected myself, today I was using a little ‘n’ sound in front of my ‘d’s, and putting a ‘u’ in front of the word ‘in’. So ‘dime’ would be ‘nnnndime’, and ‘in’ was being pronounced something like ‘uuuuuin’.

I suspect 2 different things may be happening here.

1. ‘Dime’ may be a feared word, since ‘D’ is a plosive sound, which has historically given me problems. I seem to be preventing full closure of the vocal tract, thereby allowing the ‘d’ sound, which should be silent until broken through, to be voiced. Since the articulatory tract is so similar (if not the same) for ‘n’ as for ‘d’, I reason that cheating before the ‘d’, naturally becomes ‘n’.

But, what is the difference between the ‘d’ and the ‘n’? There is a difference, but I haven’t been able to figure it out. What happens differently when I make the sounds ‘ne’ and ‘de’? I know ‘d’ in ‘de’ is a plosive breakthrough, but I can’t really feel what is happening differently. What is the distinction moving from ‘d’ to ‘e’, versus moving from ‘n’ to ‘e’? Why do they sound different?

Is the difference at the voice box? Is the sound blocked at the voice box for ‘d’? Or is it blocked at the vocal tract like it is for other plosives like ‘p’ and ‘b’?

2. ‘In’ may also be a feared word. On a conscious, rational, level I can’t isolate it as such, but I do know ‘I’ is a sound which came to my attention in therapy, when we started the gentle onset target. It’s a sound that just feels wrong at a gut level even when I know I can say it. Actually, this is one of the sounds which I felt weird about not word switching.

I think this is just the kind of thing I will need to keep on top of until it fades away. It’s like quitting smoking, you suffer for 10 years, then it just kind of goes away.

I’ve also had a problem with the Reduced Articulatory Pressure target (RAPII) lately. This is an easy target to tell you missed, because even if you don’t recall missing it, you’re tongue feels like it was almost bitten off. ;-)

Tomorrow I will be in Toronto. My commitment times and locations are not exactly compressed for efficiency, so I should have 30 minute chunks all over the place to do some good transfers. I also have a teleconference call tomorrow, so it should be an interesting speech day. I just have to avoid getting up early like last time. ;-)

Transfer-Wk 25,Thursday-Why I practice

2006-04-27T17:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday at my follow up, we were talking about motivation to do our practice. Not what we need to do … but why are we doing it in the first place?

Why should we spend an hour a day practicing our fluency?

This was so obvious to me it wasn’t even funny!

Why am I spending the time practicing?

In a nutshell, I firmly believe it’s the difference between me spiraling upward into financial prosperity, self respect, and happiness. Or spiraling downward into financial despair, social reclusion, and despondency.

I don’t believe there is any middle ground for me on this one. I’m not going to get a job using my talents to full capacity, and work to retirement. Any job I get will leave me vulnerable to the uncertain decisions of others. Job security is possibly most mythical in software development and construction, which may look different to an outsider, but contain the same cyclical economic / youth centric nature.

Basically, if I can do what needs to be done, I’ll prosper. If not, I’ll never maintain my current position. What ever the result is, it will probably reinforce itself into every other area of my life.

And the bottle neck is my stutter.

Transfer-Wk 24,Fri-Velocitization

2006-04-21T10:26:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed, after driving on the highway for a while, your perception of speed changes?

When you get off the highway, and are halfway down the ramp, you check your speedometer only to find you are doing 80km/hr (50mph) in a 50km/hr (30mph) speed limit. So you slow down till you feel like you are almost crawling, check again, but your still speeding! So you slow down even more, but you’re still speeding! And again, till you finally settle on speeding just a bit.

Well, it’s called “Velocitization”. I first learned this concept when I took drivers training through Young Drivers of Canada. I’ve never heard the term before or since, so I don’t know how well known it is. In case it isn’t well known; here is YD’s interpretation from their website.

17) VELOCITIZATION
When we accelerate from 50km/h in the city to 100km/h on the freeway, initially we feel that we are going very fast. But after a few minutes at the new speed it feels normal. We have become velocitized. Velocitization makes driving on the freeway less scary and makes it easier to go with the flow of traffic. But there is a problem. When we drop down to 80km/h to enter the next exit we feel as if we are going very slow but it is probably way too fast to enter the curve at the end of the exit ramp. To avoid this problem we need to check the ramp speed warning signs and glance at the speedometer to make sure we have slowed down enough.
From Young Drivers of Canada

Well, occasionally, I experience velocitization with my speech. Specifically; with regards to the stretched syllable target.

When I’m busy, and ‘in the zone’, I’m hustling around like a mad man. Wasted time could be measured in nanoseconds, every task switch is in perfect flow, my internal clock is racing and time appears to stands still.

When I need to speak, I attempt to drop my internal clock speed for the stretched syllable target. Usually miss it my first attempt and stutter. I stop, start again, and often am still speaking too fast. I keep stopping, self correcting, retrying with increased stretch (slowing down) until I finally have the control I need for fluency.

An unusual observation I suppose, but as I focus on my fluency more, I become hyperaware of all aspects of it.

Transfer-Wk 24,Wed-Avoiding yesterdays mistake

2006-04-19T04:56:00.000-04:00

Although I will not have the opportunity to speak with anybody for another 2 hours, I just finished my shaping (fluency practice). I did not want to repeat yesterdays mistake again today.

Transfer-Wk 24,Tues-Up early, but missed practice

2006-04-18T21:45:00.000-04:00

Although I have a deliverable for Thursday, another client scheduled a conference call with a partner in a project they are working on. Since I will be the one handling the technical interfacing, they asked me to be there (thankfully).

This really tightened my schedule, but I figured a way to manage it, which promised more time in front of my computer, hopefully resulting in an increase in productivity. It would also provide me with more face time with a multitude of people, giving me more time to practice my targets (fluency techniques).

My planned schedule went something like this :
6:00-Get up early, and do shaping
7:30-Take GO Train (commuter train) to Toronto
8:30-Take Subway to clients office
9:00-Work on Thursday’s deliverable
10:00-Conference call
11:00-Work on Thursday’s deliverable
12:00-Quick bite, 30-40 minutes doing transfers downtown
1:00-Work on Thursday’s deliverable
4:00-Possibly visit another client while in Toronto
5:00-Subway
5:30-Go Train home

By not taking my car, I could work while commuting, so my work commitment was covered. And the a) conference call, b) 5 train rides, c) conversations with at least 5 business associates, d) 2-3 restaurant/coffee shop visits, e) plus any structured transfers I did at lunch, would all assist me in practicing my fluency.

As long as I get up at 6:00, I’ll be fine. It all hinges on that.

Here’s how it went :

2:30am-Woke up early and started working. The day, I thought was off to a great start. Even though Lori, my SLP, told me in our last follow up to do it when ever I got the time, I decided to wait until just before people woke up. 6:00 as planned should be good, I thought … do my shaping, wake up my family, prep for the office, get on the train.

4:00-I considered doing my shaping, but thought it prudent to wait till 6:00am as planned … this way I’ll be fresh.

6:50-Just realized what time it was. Unfortunately (fortunately?), I got a little to caught up in the problem I was trying to resolve, and attempting to deploy it before I left for the train. It felt like 5 minutes had passed between 4:00am and 6:50. When I realized the time, I thought I would miss the train.

No problem … I’ll miss my shaping now, but I’ll do it at the office at 9:00.

9:00-After getting off the subway, I realized that I still had not eaten since waking up 6½ hours earlier. So I thought I’d grab some lunch, I will still get to the office at 9:30 at the latest, have plenty of time to do my shaping before the conference call.

9:30-Got to the office, setup in a spare office, and told anybody within earshot, what I would be doing … just so nobody thinks I’m talking to myself. ;-)

Yes, I am comfortable with this aren’t I? However, I should point out, I wouldn’t exactly do this at a regular consulting gig.

9:35-I got side tracked into another conversation.

9:40-I sat down to do my shaping. No problem, I can still manage it.

9:42-My client comes to my office, and tells me the conference call was cancelled. We’ll just meet now, to discuss the project amongst ourselves. So much for shaping now, I can do it right after this meeting.

11:00-The meeting went longer than expected, I just need to print out a sample then I can get back on track.

12:00-Discussing the sample, went longer than expected.

12:05-I realize the internet connection is down for the office I am at. I need a connection to deploy changes for my Thursday commitment. I spent the next few minutes scrambling to find another place I can work to meet my Thursday commitment.

12:30-Grabbed a quick bite to eat while traveling to another office to do some work.

Eventually, my shaping and transfers took a back seat to work.

Without the shaping providing that solid foundation, any attempts at a transfer, I feel, would only be reinforcing my stuttering speech pattern. Don’t get me wrong, I attempted to use my targets throughout the day, and was for the most part successful, but without the shaping, it’s not the same.

It’s kind of a disappointment since I don’t spend a day in the city very often, and the excessive interaction with other people would have definitely been helpful. It’s not even like you can make up for something like this with an artificially planned day, since the sacrifice to other commitments would be so great.

Perhaps I never should have turned my alarm clock off at 2:30am.

Transfer-Wk 24,Mon-Confidence

2006-04-17T13:46:00.000-04:00

I don’t have much time, but there is a thought on confidence and my stutter, which I’ve wanted to write about for a while.

About 6 weeks ago, multiple people mentioned how my confidence has increased since taking my speech therapy. It was strange, because it was coming from people I didn’t expect if from, it was totally off topic, and these comments came one after another.

To be honest, when I first heard it, I mostly attributed it to the person really not knowing me very well. But when others started repeating the same thing almost daily; I started to take notice.

Mostly though, I don’t think it is so much an increase in my confidence level, as it is a reduction in the likelihood of humiliating situations. Up until I took my speech therapy, every human interaction had a high probability of frustration and humiliation. But since my therapy, I’m usually able to speak fluently, or at least successfully recover when I stumble.

So I say things which would not normally be worth the effort. I speak to people without being forced to. I initiate casual conversations I would not normally engage in. I am friendly without the perceived danger of somebody talking to me.

Instead of a 95+% likelihood of embarrassment, there is now a 95+% likelihood of success.

So my natural confidence is not beaten into oblivion. And there-in lies my apparent newly acquired confidence.

Transfer-Wk 23,Thurs-Best Practices for Fluent Speech

2006-04-13T14:44:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I was speaking to a friend. Half way through our conversation he interrupted it to ask why I wasn’t speaking as I had a few days earlier, when I called him right after my speech exercises.

Essentially, he was asking; Why was I choosing to stutter?

That wasn’t exactly how he phrased it, but there was no doubt that was what he meant. Basically, I had forgot to use my targets and my stutter wasn’t bad enough for me to think about it yet.

I told him that the most difficult about my speech therapy, is that I don’t really need it once I finish the course. I will need it eventually, but actually choosing to use it when you were spontaneously fluent was very difficult.

I went on to provide an analogy; let’s say you had difficulty walking, and would trip over your feet randomly within every 50 steps. This would be highly irritating, so you take therapy. The therapy teaches you a special way of walking, with you concentrating on every step you take, including every bent joint and every muscle contraction from your abdominal muscles to your toe nails. The therapy works amazingly well, but the amazing this is; you can walk thousands of steps now without thinking about every step and still don’t trip.

You’re cured!!

Well, not exactly; your cure will be as fleeting as the enthusiasm gained at a motivational seminar. If you don’t realize this (as I didn’t in 1993 even though I was told), you go skipping down the street enjoying your life like never before, everything is great for a month. If you do realize it, you practice constantly and attempt to monitor your voice all the time (which I do now), but it’s still very difficult to do.

That was the analogy provided by me to my friend.

He quickly chalked up my analogy as a load of B.S., and went on to say : ‘I thought it was like the way a black belt would practice Karate. Even though he knows it, he practices every day.’

This caused a slight paradigm shift for me.

Practice as defined in the dictionary is “systematic exercise for proficiency”. So basically, my shaping every day is my practice. I practice to maintain and perfect my skills.

But what my friend was saying was, I should be practicing fluency as a doctor practices medicine, or a lawyer practices law. It’s a constant application of the recommended process.

Essentially, the 8 targets taught in the Precision Fluency Shaping Program, is a collection of Best Practices for Fluent Speech.

Disclaimer: Not meant as advice, please find ...

2006-04-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

I’ve struggled with the wording of this post for hours, and I’m still not happy with it. I’ve even struggled with whether or not I should even post it. But I do feel it’s important for me to say this, and I just hope my sincerity is reflected in my words.

Just before beginning therapy, I told Lori, my speech therapist, I had started a blog on my therapy. I told her I intended to update it throughout my therapy and for a year after my therapy ended.

I wasn’t really sure what they would say. Is this proprietary information? Would there be privacy concerns? Do I need permission for this? Will they refuse me access into the course? Could I get sued for doing something like this?

Briefly, I considered not even telling them. But I’m not a deceitful person, and although many may feel that would not be deceitful, I know it would have gnawed at my conscience. So I decided to tell them, letting the chips fall where they may.

To my surprise, Dr Kroll, who runs the Stuttering Centre, and Lori were both very supportive of it. Lori seemed genuinely thrilled to hear that I would be blogging about my experience, and Dr. Kroll seemed enthusiastic about my enthusiasm!

However, after a couple days in my therapy, a concern was cautiously expressed about the level of detail on my blog. The concern was; people might attempt to learn fluency shaping from my blog rather than a qualified Speech Language Pathologist. I hadn’t actually considered that, but I also didn’t want to lose the planned posts throughout my therapy, which would be the main source of the value to my blog. So I kept the detailed posts, and appended a disclaimer in the footer of each posting. Not meant as advice, please find a qualified therapist if you are interested in similar therapy.

Also, I want to point out; I was not “forced”, “coerced”, “told”, “persuaded”, or even “asked” to do anything; it was merely pointed out as a potential pitfall. The disclaimer was my idea.

Well I’ve become aware of more than one person attempting to learn fluency shaping from my blog. This bothers me a lot as I feel I may be doing everybody a great disservice, rather than adding the value initially intended.

Now I can appreciate the determination, and I do realize the costs associated with fluency shaping programs is a major investment, which is a stretch to most, and completely out of reach to others. But I really don’t think this is the kind of thing that should be attempted without a qualified therapist. I really don’t.

There are probably plenty of reasons for this which I’m not even aware of, but I do have an example from my own experience. As mentioned before, I took the program in 1993. I didn’t transfer the process successfully, my practice quickly fell off, and soon my post-therapy spontaneous fluency disappeared. When I attempted to re-learn it on my own, I basically half implemented the targets, resulting in a distorted speech pattern and because my therapist wasn’t there I did not receive the necessary corrective feedback.

Essentially … let me be frank … my speech pattern made me sound like a retard!

I apologize for the lack of political correctness, but I really do feel that I sounded like somebody lacking the mentally dexterity to safely use a fork. Especially on the phone.

I worry that a failed attempt to learn fluency shaping from this blog will provide the same results. Leaving the stutterer even worse off, trying to return to the old pattern.

There are just so many things to remember! Our brains just cannot handle it … seriously … supposedly, the human brain has a working memory capacity of 7±2 synchronous items. But in fluency shaping you have :

Syllable breakdown for each word
Sound class breakdown for each syllable
Target breakdown for each sound class
Targets and tactics for linking each sound
Plus thinking about what you are going to say

You just don’t have enough registers to process more than 7±2 thoughts at once. You will miss things for the first little while. Without a therapist correcting you until it becomes internalized; not only will you not know what you missed, but you’ll never know you missed it.

Also, from what I can gather, the clinic I went to could make a lot more money and help more people by publishing a self-help course for $100. So if learning this on your own were possible, I believe they would already be doing it … and better than I could. I don’t think they are trying to stay in business by doing it this way.

Coming back to the money, personally I feel it’s like education; if you know what your goals are and are willing to take full advantage of it by putting in the work, it will pay dividends. The $15,000 I borrowed to go to programming college while living off of unemployment and credit cards has paid for itself at least once every year since graduating.

So in a nut shell, a large investment in a course can be the best investment you make … but only if you work at it, and put in the full effort required to reap the benefits of the course. There were other students in my programming course who actually cheated to graduate … they thought they were paying for a diploma.

Anyway, please don't try to learn PFSP from my blog, I'm really not qualified to be teaching anybody. But I do hope you find enough information to make an educated decision whether or not pursuing therapy by a qualified SLP is right for you.

Transfer-Wk 22,Thursday.-Published in the Demosthenes Society newsletter

2006-04-06T23:52:00.000-04:00

Today an article I wrote on Therapeutic Blogging was published in the Demosthenes Society April newsletter. The article is basically a cleaner version of what I wrote a few weeks ago.

The Demosthenes Society is a support group for People Who Stutter. Although it is now open to anybody, the majority of members are PFSP graduates, and the meetings are really focused on fluency shaping techniques. I find it really helps me to focus on my targets, and motivate me to move forward with my therapy.

I would like to welcome any Demosthenes Society members, who may have made it here from the newsletter. Here is a list of all the postings I've written on the Demosthenes Society.

There are members in the Demosthenes Society who have maintained controlled fluency for years, with a few members who graduated from the PFSP 30 years ago! Hopefully, in 30 years somebody will be saying that about me. Anyway, please feel free to leave a comment, correcting any misinterpretations I may have about the PFSP technicalities. ;-)

You can read the newsletter here. There is also a really good article from the Wall Street Journal on the effects of stuttering on your job search.

As far as practice goes, today was pretty successful. This afternoon, I needed to make a phone call to somebody I really didn’t want to speak to, and would have been a total basket case under normal circumstances, but I was able to focus on my targets and speak with amazing control.

And this evening at the mall, I decided to utilize the environment to promote my own agenda, and turned my shopping into a practice session. It actually went quite well; I had great control, with only a few missed targets speckled throughout. The Full Breath (diaphragmatic breathing) target was almost always the missed target.

One thing did occur to me though; I seem to be only approaching approachable people. I have to wonder, is this a halfhearted approach? Maybe I should start planning to approach people I haven’t seen yet. For example; the next person to come around that corner, or the next person I see in a baseball hat, or the next brunette I see in a short skirt ... whoops! ... don't tell my wife. ;-)

Maybe after that I can start approaching the most intimidating person I see, do something offensive, then try to explain my way out of it. I’ll be saving my life, while monitoring my targets … but maybe that’s a bit beyond me right now. ;-)

Anyway, again; welcome Demosthenes Society members. I hope you find value in what I have written.

All postings-Phase I-Pre-Therapy

2006-04-06T11:02:00.000-04:00

Please find below a list of all postings for Phase I Pre-Therapy - How my speech problem has affected my life.

9/8/2005	Welcome to Pebbles Under the Tongue
9/12/2005	Transcript - Introduction video
9/19/2005	Similar articles on stuttering
9/19/2005	Effects upon my family roles
9/22/2005	Is stuttering a disability?
9/30/2005	Wendell Johnson's "Monster Study"
9/30/2005	Career limitations
10/4/2005	WARNING-Pre-therapy posts may be negative.
10/4/2005	Precision Fluency Shaping Program (PFSP)
10/6/2005	As promised the fishing picture
10/7/2005	When did I start letting this run my life?
10/10/2005	Past Therapy
10/11/2005	An exploratory search for a cure gone bad.
10/12/2005	Stopwatch & pre-therapy spontaneous fluency
10/14/2005	Dealing with the "normals"
10/15/2005	Great Quote
10/16/2005	Pre-Therapy Wrap-up
10/16/2005	The dreaded telephone

All postings-Phase II-Therapy

2006-04-06T10:55:00.000-04:00

Please find below a list of all postings for Phase II Therapy - My participation in the Precision Fluency Shaping Program.

10/17/2005	PFSP-Day 1-Intro and Stretched Syllable
10/18/2005	PFSP-Day 2-More Stretched Syllable
10/20/2005	PFSP-Day 4-Gentle Onset
10/20/2005	PFSP-Day 3-How speech is formed & Full Breath
10/22/2005	PFSP-Day 5-Slow Change and Reduced Air Pressure
10/23/2005	PFSP Week 1-Frustration
10/23/2005	FYI-Day 3 has been updated
10/24/2005	PFSP-Day 6-Reduced Articulatory Pressure & 1 Second Stretch
10/25/2005	PFSP-Day 7-Homework
10/26/2005	PFSP-Day 8-Amplitude Contour & Full Articulatory Movement
10/27/2005	PFSP-Day 9-½ Second Stretch
10/29/2005	PFSP-Day 10-Slow Normal & Shaping
10/31/2005	PFSP-Day 11-Telephone Transfer
11/1/2005	PFSP-Day 12-Telephone transfer lows
11/3/2005	PFSP-Day 13-Mental garbage and face to face transfer
11/4/2005	PFSP-Day 14-Talk about maintenance
11/4/2005	PFSP-Day 15-Last day of the program

All postings-Phase III-Post-Therapy

2006-04-06T10:47:00.000-04:00

Please find below an up to date (as of 04/06/2006) list of all current postings for Phase III-Post-Therapy - Progress and challenges transitioning to the real world.

11/8/2005	Transfer-Wk 1,Tues.-Fitting practice into my life
11/11/2005	Transfer-Wk 1,Fri.-Few speaking opportunities
11/17/2005	Transfer-Wk 2, Thurs-Demosthenes Society, Follow up, & Toastmasters
11/23/2005	Transfer-Wk 3,Wed.-Toastmasters Best Table Topics Ribbon
12/4/2005	Transfer-Wk 5,Sun.-PFSP Refresher
12/7/2005	Transfer-Wk 5,Tues.-After therapy video
12/8/2005	Transfer-Wk 5,Thurs.-First Toastmasters speech
12/16/2005	Transfer-Wk 6,Fri.-Entropy
12/22/2005	Transfer-Wk 7,Thurs.-Control
12/29/2005	Transfer-Wk 8,Fri.-Entrophy & My Solution
1/2/2006	Transfer-Wk 9,Mon.-Structured Transfers
1/3/2006	Transfer-Wk 9,Tues.-Fluency Resolutions
1/4/2006	Transfer-Wk 9,Wed.-Video; discussing maintenance
1/16/2006	Still alive
1/19/2006	Transfer-Wk 11,Thurs.-Word Switching
1/24/2006	Transfer-Wk 12,Tues.-Phone transfers delivered
1/26/2006	Transfer-Wk 12,Wed.-Another Toastmasters Ribbon
1/31/2006	Transfer-Wk 13,Tues.-Drive through resolution
2/2/2006	FYI: Free stutter devices for Florida kids
2/2/2006	Transfer-Wk 13,Thurs.-Drive through-2nd attempt
2/3/2006	PFSP in the United States
2/10/2006	Transfer-Wk 14,Fri.-Daily practice
2/12/2006	Transfer-Wk 14,Sat-Demosthenes Society
2/13/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Mon-Almost as good as a drive thru
2/13/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Mon-Web Statistics
2/14/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Tues-Drive thru #3
2/16/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Thurs-Telemarketer
2/17/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Wed.-Toastmasters speech contest
2/19/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Sun-Eleven Timbits
2/20/2006	FYI: 13 Observations about people who stutter
2/23/2006	Transfer-Wk 16,Fri.-It's not just us
2/23/2006	Transfer-Wk 16,Thurs.-Maslow's hierarchy of needs
3/1/2006	Transfer-Wk 17,Wed.-Too busy to talk
3/10/2006	Transfer-Wk 18,Fri.-Therapeutic blogging
3/17/2006	Transfer-Wk 19,Fri.-Third Toastmasters speech
3/24/2006	Busy-News links on sidebar
3/31/2006	Transfer-Wk 21,Fri.-Missing a key component
4/5/2006	Transfer-Wk 22,Wed.-Parkinson's Law wreaking havoc

Transfer-Wk 22,Wed.-Parkinson's Law wreaking havoc

2006-04-05T09:57:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in my previous post; because I work from home on long term projects, I do not have scheduled commitments. Which Lori, my speech therapist, has pointed out as a lack of structure in my life and a possible reason for my scattered practice routine.

This lack of structure has contributed to a few problems in my life, which are not uncommon to those who start working from home. Problems usually include things like; interruptions, distractions, misplaced priorities, working all the time or not at all. When I first started working from home back in 1996, I felt guilty when not working. To emphasize the magnitude of what I’m saying; I felt guilty taking a break at 1:00am after working since 8:00am! … seriously.

I will work all day, all night, and weekends to complete something. I feel it’s part of the job, and IT IS part of the job … when I’m under the gun. Which based on past experience seems to be about every 3 months, but not year round!

So I appear to have inadvertently created a non-stop work day, where I’m available for work 24 hours, 7 days per week. And lately, I seem to be suffering from the effects of Parkinson's Law, which states "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion".

So essentially; according to Parkinson’s Law, I’m filling a 98 hour work week* with 40 hours worth of work. As you can imagine this plays havoc on the remainder of my life, family, health, speech therapy, etc…
*98hrs = 16 waking hrs – 2 personal maint. hrs x 7 days

So here is what I’ve done; starting this past Monday, I’ve told my wife, that I will stop working at 6:00pm … no matter what. This has greatly crystallized my priorities through out my workday, since I know my wife will hold me to it. I mean there are still bugs to work out, but it’s definitely helpful so far.

Since I’ve started doing this, I know that if I can’t fit something in, it will get dropped. So I’m forced to make a conscious decision to do my therapy, or not … it doesn’t just fall off the end of my day any more. And since Monday, I’ve managed to fit my practice in every day.

It seems kind of odd, that my work schedule could possibly effect my speech therapy, but I suppose it’s a life problem which is interfering with my speech therapy. I guess it’s more of a holistic of approach to fixing my problem. But it does appear to be the beginning of the kind of structure I need to maintain any kind of success in my speech … let alone my life.

Transfer-Wk 21,Fri.-Missing a key component

2006-03-31T16:54:00.000-05:00

Anybody who knows me, follows this blog, or has seen my before-after videos has to conclude; fluency shaping speech therapy works. Not that it was the goal of this blog to prove it; but I do hope my experience has contributed further proof that total fluency control is possible despite the level of severity.

Now having said that, my fluency is sliding, my practice is becoming even less frequent, and although I’ve accomplished major goals with my speaking (see any toastmasters post), I have not yet gotten to the point of having transferred my skills completely to the real world yet.

It’s hard work … not in the way, moving pianos is hard work, but in the way that losing weight is hard work. Really, losing weight isn’t rocket science. There is a simple formula for losing weight any idiot can learn; burn more calories than you take in. Pretty simple eh? Eat less or exercise more or do both.

So how is it that; the majority of North Americans are still overweight? Most people know how to lose weight, there are serious quality of life and medical issues to motivate us, and there is plenty of social reinforcement in that direction.

So why are we, as a society, so damn fat?

I chalk it up to self discipline. Or lack of it to be precise.

Self-discipline means doing what needs to be done whether you want to do it or not. For example, some children do not want to do their home tasks assigned by teachers. They would rather watch television or do nothing in particular. Such children are not self-disciplined. Unless they change their pattern of behavior, they will not be successful in the workplace as adults. What is true of some children is also true of some adults. A self-disciplined individual, however, realizes that certain things must be done in order to achieve long-term goals.

Seattle Pacific University: Themes in Morality and the World of Work

Lack of self discipline is, in my humble opinion, also the leading cause of my failure to do the recommended practice. I guess it’s a personal character flaw.

Having said that, I should point out; I’m not completely without character. I am a competent programmer who adds value to the world everyday and have run a profitable business for 9 of the past 10 years, with it being my only source of income for more than 6 of those years. Not bad since I don’t do sales calls or give out my phone number.

However; I do perform better in a structured environment. During therapy, I was able to attend therapy 5 hours per day, spend 3 hours in transit per day, get at least 3 hours of homework done per night, 12 hours homework on weekend, produce 6 detailed blog entries per week, get 40 hours work done per week, and still spend a bit of time with my kids.

Without structure, my performance falters. By working at home, I have almost zero structure. There is no start time, end time, lunch time, meetings … there’s nothing. As a result of this, 8 hours of work often takes longer than 8 hours, and hours per day increase as deadlines get closer. Don’t get me wrong, the work gets done, but often at the cost of personal/family time.

Anyway, my speech practice usually gets lost in the above mess. Lori, my therapist pointed out this lack of structure and it’s effect in my follow up session Wednesday. I knew I had a problem with this, but hadn’t really recognized it as ‘structure’ until she pointed it out.

Speaking of my follow up, I wasn’t even going to attend since my practice has been so dismal since my daughter was born. I attended, if for nothing else but to ‘not quit’. Personally, I feel that missing a therapy session is the first step in quitting. It’s like going to the gym; you get up at 5:00 and hit the gym everyday for months, and everything is going fine until one day when you say ‘I’m going to skip it .. just today .. I deserve a break’ … and that’s the beginning of the end of going to the gym.

Lori, told me to just do the shaping when ever I could, and the same with the transfers … just do them whenever … just not at bed time. But actually, if I still haven’t done it and it is bed time, not going to bed until it’s done, may actually be a good idea as well.

Something else which has occurred to me is the high standards our society places on us to feel successful at anything. I mean personally, for me to feel successful, I’d have to have a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, have at least a billion dollars, look like Pierce Bronson, have a wife who looks like goddess, have the level of respect and admiration of Bill Clinton, and have all my kids go on to achieve the same level of “success”. Some of that is an exaggeration … but I do wish I looked like Pierce Bronson. ;-)

So am I over reacting? Is this the standard road to successful fluency? Am I doing well?

Or am I a failure in my therapy? And am currently blogging about my failure to follow through?

Time will tell I guess. I suspect there are many who do not transition their skills successfully, not even as successfully as I have to date. Also, the fact that I haven’t given up, at least places me somewhere above the losers, but not quite among the winners. … off in my own little world I guess. ;-)

Like all the overweight chronic dieters out there, I lack the self discipline to complete the transition process. In future posts I plan to focus on self discipline and motivation as it applies to my situation.

Busy-News links on sidebar

2006-03-24T04:52:00.000-05:00

I won't have time to write anything until tomorrow morning at the earliest.

But I have created a list of newslinks on the sidebar. I plan to keep this updated with stuttering related news. The most recent news link about Bill Walton who became a TV sports announcer is pretty inspiring.

Transfer-Wk 19,Fri.-Third Toastmasters speech

2006-03-17T01:31:00.000-05:00

Wednesday evening I gave my third speech at Toastmasters, and was voted best speaker for the night. Pretty cool, I think. ;-)

I had an early day, getting up after only 3 hours sleep in order to finish something. With most of the 16 hours between 1:30am and 5:30pm, working full out, I was pretty tired and stuttering like a maniac before leaving for Toastmasters. When I parked at Toastmasters, I stayed outside in my car, and did my fluency exercises for about 15 minutes.

The exercises definitely paid off for the Table Topics part of the meeting, but I was stuttering pretty consistently on the Plosive class of sounds (B,D,G,K,P,&T). So I was getting nervous before my speech.

When I got up to speak, I tried something I heard in a recent Steve Pavlina podcast on confidence. Steve, a fellow Toastmaster, said before he starts a speech, he will just stand there for a few seconds, look at his audience and smile. So that’s what I did … and wow … it really does work!

My speech was on Therapeutic Blogging, with me essentially verbalizing what I wrote in my previous post. During my speech, I had a new experience, which I wasn’t really expecting; immediate feedback.

While speaking about how I am compelled to follow through with transfer exercises due to my public declarations on my blog, I brought up the 11 Timbits story. However, as I spoke, I could see I lost them, so I explained, people who stutter avoid drive thru’s like the plague and you could see the light going on. Then when I said I spent 3 hours in drive thru’s one Saturday morning … they again, didn’t get it … and I explained, that I bought all 11 Timbits, 1 Timbit at a time! Again you could see the lights go on.

You don’t get that kind of feedback when you’re writing.

Another difference is the introduction. With my blog I sometimes like to start talking about an experience, then segue into the real message. Well my evaluator told me I need a stronger opening to focus my listeners on the message. I think she’s right, and I think my speech would have gone a lot better had I done that.

Other comments received from other members and guests included:

Wow John. Excellent. Keep it up.

Good topic, a bit more dynamic. Use the area more. More eye contact

You’ve improved a lot!! Way to go.

Very confident. Your mannerisms have improved & your speech. You inspire me.

Great speech. Very organized, informative and helpful.

Awesome. You are growing so well in speaking. Good use of cue cards. Very good flow. In front of podium. Good sense of humor. Improve usage of um’s and ah’s. Improve vocal volume & variety. Work the room more.

Great speech. Good eye contact with everyone.

Good eye contact. You showed great confidence. Very informative. Like how you only glanced at your notes. Great job. Keep it up. Good pace. Good sense of humor.

Great inspiration. Fabulous great speech. Keep it up. Little too long. Congratulations. Job well done.

This speech was light years ahead of my other 2. I feel like I may actually be able to build this into a strong skill.

Transfer-Wk 18,Fri.-Therapeutic blogging

2006-03-10T10:57:00.000-05:00

Long before last September, I had wanted to start writing online. Mostly I wanted to do this for professional reasons; increased peer recognition and the like. While I did feel, I had some great ideas, I honestly wondered if I could sustain a string of professional quality, hi-grade ideas for .. well … forever. So it was infinitely postponed.

However, prior to my therapy in October, it occurred to me a blog about my speech therapy may be interesting, unique, and focused with a purpose. So a blog was born.

At this point, I considered the blog to be merely a chronicle of events in my therapy, and transfer phase. I saw this as being possibly beneficial to others, but not to myself. I had hoped my success would provide hope to other severe stutterers, and prove it is worth the effort. But to my surprise, by my third post, I began having helpful insights.

Once I got to therapy, other benefits really became apparent. As you might expect; my note taking, retention, and overall learning experience was increased. But because I knew I would be writing about what I learnt, I assembled information more completely.

For example; once we were told, there are 45 sounds in the English language. For the purposes of the Precision Fluency Shaping Program (PFSP), these sounds fall into one of four groupings. We were then provided with the groupings, and the sounds were listed; a, e, i, o, u, j, l, m, n, r, th+, v, w, y, z, ch, f, h, s, sh, th-, b, d, g, k, p, and t. Well, that’s a lot of sounds … it really is … but it’s not 45! It’s 27.

Where are the other 18 sounds?

Now, I’m not sure, but it wouldn’t surprise me if I was the first participant in over 30 years to ever ask that question. And the only reason I asked it, is because I knew I would be blogging about it later that day, and needed to have my facts straight.

As a side note; the missing 18 sounds are vowel combinations sounds (‘oo’, ‘ee’, ‘oi’, etc..). These vowel combination sounds are implicitly found within the 27 sounds and easily recognized without being explicitly declared.

My retention was increased dramatically, since I was actively listening to my therapist talk about the information, reading about it, assimilating the ideas so I would blog about them, confirming my understanding, making sure I wasn’t forgetting anything, thinking about proper application, then rereading and editing what I wrote.

When I entered the transfer phase of my therapy, I felt an increased sense of commitment to follow through and apply my new skills. After chickening out of a goal of going to Toastmasters, my first week out of therapy, I knew I had to go if only to maintain my integrity. So I went to my first Toastmasters meeting 2 weeks after my therapy ended, and have gone fairly regularly since then. I have already given 2 speeches, I have won the best speaker award once, have been disqualified on a technicality from the club speech contest, and am scheduled for my third speech this Wednesday. But had I not gone to the meeting on my second week out of therapy … I think the courage would have quickly evaporated.

There is also an increase commitment to practice and proactively transfer my skills. For example; when I spent over 3 hours driving through Tim Horton drive thru’s ordering 16¢ Timbits … I must confess … it wasn’t at the top of my list of things to do that day. But I did it, and I’ll do it again. Damn .. was that another commitment I just made? ;-)

I’ve also met other people who stutter via my blog, and have inspired at least 2 other stuttering blogs (see links). Over all it’s just been a great experience.

I would recommend anybody with any type of problem or challenge to journal about it. You don’t need to do it publicly with real names, nor do you need to post potentially embarrassing video’s of yourself as I did here, here and here. You don’t even need to journal about it in a blog, you can do it in Word documents on your PC, or in a paper notepad from the dollar store.

So where do you start? Well the easiest way to start a blog is at Blogger, unless you’re planning to become a professional blogger or use it for marketing your business, it’s a good and easy place to start. You can have your blog up in about 15 minutes.

If you want to blog about group therapy though, please be aware that blogging about other therapy participants is OFF LIMITS. Don’t mention other participants at all, not with a fake name, or as an anonymous third person. Therapy is a very private thing, and should not be infringed upon.

Having said that, the picture I have on my site with fellow participants was taken with their permission, I told them it would go on my blog before taking it, and asked repeatedly if it was ok. If somebody were to call me today, and say they had second thoughts about the picture, I’d take it down immediately.

If you do want to start Therapeutic Blogging, I’m sure you will develop a deeper understanding into any problem you have, and focus more intently on resolving your own issues.

Good luck with your blog.

Transfer-Wk 17,Wed.-Too busy to talk

2006-03-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted for a while have I? I've been "Too busy to talk" ... get it? I stutter .. and I've been busy. ;-) Weak sense of humour eh?

The little girl above is the big reason why. She was born on Friday, wieghing in at 7lbs 10ozs. Hopefully she won't stutter. She's very cool. :D

I haven't practiced my speech therapy in about a week. However, I did manage to go 3-4 days of hanging out at a hospital without a single person asking me if I was having a stroke ... so that's a big improvement. ;-)

Transfer-Wk 16,Fri.-It's not just us

2006-02-23T14:01:00.000-05:00

I have a page on stuttering on my professional website titled “Stuttering and why I hate telephones”. There are a few links to stuttering related resources and blogs (great ones like mine). ;-)

Anyway, at least twice a month, I will get a hit from somebody searching the phrase “I hate telephones”. As soon as I see this, I assume it’s a stutterer doing the search. I also assume that the other 904 matches this search finds, would be about stuttering also.

But to my surprise, they aren’t. At least not any I’ve looked at.

This kind of blows my mind … it’s like non-stutterers being afraid of public speaking. I just don’t get it. But it is kind of comforting to know, it’s not only stutterers who dislike telephones. ;-)

Transfer-Wk 16,Thurs.-Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

2006-02-23T12:51:00.000-05:00

There hasn’t been too much activity on my blog this week has there?

Ironically, life has gotten in the way of my efforts to improve my life. Stuttering has, for the time being at least, become irrelevant when compared to a baby on the way, and being under the gun on a project I’m working on. Also, due to my working from home, stuttering with people outside is not even very intrusive.

Obviously, my stuttering is devastating at times, like when I’m unemployed. But at other times, like when I’m programming in ‘the zone’, under a deadline, or playing soccer with my son, it doesn’t even occur to me to think about it.

So why is that? While thinking about this, I remembered hearing about Abraham Maslow, and his hierarchy of needs, in our communications class in vocational school. At the time, I couldn’t understand why I was learning basic psychology, or how it would help me in my "soon to be" failed plumbing career. But 15 years later, I’m glad my communications teacher took the initiative. Thanks Mr. Fraser.

So why is it, my stutter is so devastating at times and not others? Could it be related to which need I was currently focusing on, and its effect on each level of the hierarchy? Where does Stuttering fit into Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?

Physical needs & safety levels
I think it may have an effect when you are unemployed since it hits you right at the physical needs & safety levels. At these levels, being disadvantaged by a stutter can be especially devastating. Stuttering can be a impossible barrier between you and your needs rather than a minor obstacle.

Love/Belonging needs
While feelings of rejection may be hurtful, they are not as bad as the feeling that you may never find another job. However, these feelings may cause reclusive behavior, anti-social habits, and a generally incomplete lifestyle. The stutterer may chose to live alone since basic courtship rituals can be so demoralizing.

Esteem needs
At the next higher level, a stutterer may suffer from esteem issues and/or an inferiority complex. Health, career, finances, and personal relationships may suffer because of it. Recognition may not be sought, because the spotlight (even praise) brings with it the fear of embarrassment. Others may capitalize on this at the stutterers expense.

Self-actualization
A stutterer may not follow their passion into the industry which would capitalize on their best strengths. As a result they may feel unfulfilled for a lifetime.

Personally, I did not pursue my passion into the industry, which I have the strongest interest in, because of my stutter. Ironically, the of computer programming which has a stereotype of being a solitary endeavor, has left me unemployed many times because I couldn’t get past the interview scheduling phone call.

I suppose the effects of stuttering can be felt at every level, with the lowest levels being the most detrimental. Recently, I’ve seen darker things where a stutterer has felt absolutely overwhelmed with depression and suicide. How could these extreme effects fit into Maslows Pyramid?

Disclaimer – I’m not a psychologist (not even an amateur), please take anything I’ve said above with a grain of salt. It will likely be revised later.

FYI: 13 Observations about people who stutter

2006-02-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

I just ran across this list of character traits observed about people who stutter. Much of what he says accurately reflects how I feel about my own feelings (not other stutterers).

THIRTEEN OBSERVATIONS ABOUT PEOPLE WHO STUTTER
by John Harrison

I am a bit conflicted about trait number 2 though.

In my early 20's I had just graduated from vocational school into a recession, with construction training (aka-no jobs). Welcome to the working world, I'd have been just as far ahead if I quit high school and spent the last 5 years pumping gas. And my speech deteriorated to the worst ever. [so I agree]

But within a year, I discovered something else, resulting in; more drive, passion, and purpose than any other time in my life. But my speech was still really bad, and has never improved to the point where it was before finishing school. Even now, where I have some control, if I don't control it, it's bad. [so I disagree]

However, having said all this, it's a Canadian generalization that we will appologise to somebody who bumps into us. Unless we're on skates, of course, then it's the butt end of a hockey stick to the ribs. ;-)

So maybe the passivity mentioned above is a Canadian thing. Maybe John Harrison was surrounded by Canadian stutterers. ;-)

Transfer-Wk 15,Sun-Eleven Timbits

2006-02-19T12:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterdays Drive Thru transfer was a lot more time consuming than I could ever imagine. In over 3 hours, I only did 9. Most of the time was spent trying to locate Tim Hortons restaurants with Drive Thru’s. Because I needed to do other things with my family yesterday, I wound up doing this in Toronto. And as I drove around, I noticed, the closer to the center of the city I got, the harder it was to find a drive thru. At one point, I actually got on the highway, drove back out to the edge of Toronto, and started working my way back in again.

I was unable to do one successful transfer yesterday. So due to the fact that I was actually practicing with bad skills, I thought I should try to attack this activity again at a later date. I’m not giving up, but what I started doing may have been counter productive.

I’ve highlighted my missed targets in the chart below. You may notice from the included audio, that I was having an amazing amount of trouble with the word 'One'. All I can really figure out from this is that I'm missing the slow change target perhaps. Moving too quickly from one sound to the next. Or quite possibly a Stretched Syllable, problem where I’m not stretching enough. This was especially aggravating as I never had a problem with this when I did it on my own. But I'm sure I don't have to explain that to anybody else who stutters right? ;-)

Transfer No.	FB	SS	GO	SC	RAP I	RAP II	AC	FAM
1
2									Listen
3									Listen
4									Listen
5									Listen
6									Listen
7									Listen
8									Listen
9									Listen

Transfer-Wk 15,Wed.-Toastmasters speech contest

2006-02-17T00:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was actually a pretty busy day for me speech wise. I thought I had therapy follow up, although what I really had was a poorly entered calendar appointment. But Lori saw me for 20 minutes anyway. We discussed my problem with the phrase PHP, where I always bomb on the last ‘P’. She agreed with my analysis that it may be an air problem, and focusing more on a full breath should resolve it.

After my therapy, I went through another drive thru. So this would be drive thru #4. I was fluent, but target execution was less than optimal. Not what I would consider a success.

Last evening, I went to toastmasters. Due to my feelings that a Toastmasters club for I.T. Professionals, would provide tremendous value for all involved; I am attempting to qualify to start a club ASAP. Part of the qualifications to start a club, I believe (I still haven’t received my manuals), include getting my Competent Toastmaster designation. This would involve the completion of 10 speeches, so I am booking a speech at every available opening.

Well, I tried to book something about a month ago, but the schedule was packed, with the first opening last night. Which just happened to be the annual club speech contest. Since it would be my only opportunity till late March, I signed up.

Once a topic, from the quantity floating around my head, was selected, writing a solid speech wasn’t a problem. However, 10 minutes before the start of the contest, when I started viewing my competition as “competition”, and noticed the intensity of their practice … well, let’s just say, I starting wondering if I was in over my head. ;-)

Anyway, I read my speech, from behind the podium. My targets were hit or miss. I would self correct when I started stuttering, then get on a role with great target execution. But within 2-3 sentences my targets were being missed again.

I set everything up to tape it with my new voice recorder, but was thinking so much about my speech, that I only remembered to press the record button after starting. I wasn’t about to interrupt my speech to turn it on, so I don’t have an audio for the blog. Too bad, I could have done some great target analysis from it.

Only 5 of the 7 entered speakers showed up, and this was merely a pre-qualifying round to bring the final contestants down to 4. I recognized this as an interesting dynamic, since this contest would not determine a winner … but a loser … the biggest loser.

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

While I received several compliments on the writing of my speech, and I think I earn extra points for getting up there with my stutter; there was no doubt in my mind, I was clearly the underdog. And I was about to be declared the biggest loser. ;-)

But fate intervened. Due to the fact that I was merely signing up to do my second toastmasters speech, not win a contest, I paid absolutely no attention to the rules. Apparently all entrants need minimum 6 speeches, so I was not qualified to be in the contest in the first place. Before being disqualified, I was asked if I would like to do 4 speeches in the next week to qualify, but with a baby on the way, it “ain’t gonna happen”. So I took advantage of the semi-honorable disqualification, and sat down. If anybody asks why I was disqualified, I’ll tell them (in a bad fake French accent) it’s because “I’m too sexy”. ;-)

I got a ribbon, but I really don’t feel it was given to me as being anything more than a “Good effort, don’t be discouraged”. So; no picture of it on my blog.

Anyway, I plan to deliver a memorized speech in front of the podium for speech #3.

But my most interesting thing happened on my way home, when I stopped at a store, and ran into a girl I’ve only met once before at toastmasters. Normally, when I run into somebody like this, I will avoid them like the plague. Why? Well because in my experience it usually goes in one of 2 directions; 1) They don’t remember me, I stutter, they think I’m a crazy stranger, and I feel like an ass. Or 2) They do remember me, but when I stutter, they feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, and I feel like an ass. So clearly avoidance is an attractive strategy when faced with outcomes like that.

Instead though, I held the door open for her, and said something like “Hello. I missed seeing you tonight”. And I talked to her for 10 minutes. It wasn’t until we parted company, that I realized that was something I never, NEVER, EVER, would have done before my therapy.

The biggest benefit received from therapy, may not be my speech. It may be the social reintegration of everyday life!

Transfer-Wk 15,Thurs-Telemarketer

2006-02-16T10:28:00.000-05:00

No matter how well I can speak, I suppose I will always have conversations like this one a few minutes ago.

Phone rings
Me-“Hello” .. good targets … possibly weak Gentle Onset.

Silent pause, then connect with roar of a call center erupts over the receiver.

“Hello, Is this John MacIntyre?”

“Y-Y-Y”, pause … use my targets. Full breath … “Yes, this is John MacIntyre”

“You hesitated … IS THIS JOHN MACINTYRE?!?!” she demanded.

“I didn’t hesitate. I stutter. Is that ok with you?”

… anyway, it was a telemarketer. And she didn’t last past her first sentence, before I executed a flawless “I’m not interested. Good bye.”

Sales tip #1 – Be courteous to the person who has the money.

Transfer-Wk 15,Tues-Drive thru #3

2006-02-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

I went through the drive thru again today. It didn’t go so well. It was a very weak execution of my targets, to put it mildly.

I actually recorded it to post, but in listening to it just now; I can see no benefit in posting it. It would mostly just be an exercise in self detriment.

This weekend, I’m going to drive through every Tim Hortons drive thru in the Greater Toronto Area if I have to, until I get it right. Timbits (donut holes) are 15¢ each, so $15 will get me 100 transfers. If that doesn't do it, I will eat all 100 for my supper! ;-)

Maybe I should take start a pool.

Actually, yes ... leave a comment about how many timbits do you think I will need to buy, before I do one with excellent execution.

My guess is between 5 & 10.

Transfer-Wk 15,Mon-Almost as good as a drive thru

2006-02-13T17:28:00.000-05:00

In order to update an automated Visa charge, to a new card, I just called their hot-line. As if phones aren’t bad enough, it was entirely voice automated.

You know the kind. The anti-stutter, you’re too expensive of a customer if we can’t automate your service, go somewhere else, type of automated customer service.

No problem!

Controlled speech pattern – 1
Anti-stuttering automated voice phone system – 0

Jeeze … I’m almost starting to feel normal.

Transfer-Wk 15,Mon-Web Statistics

2006-02-13T06:37:00.000-05:00

As stated previously, I started this blog mostly to document my unique experience in therapy, and possibly provide some hope and inspiration to others ... assuming I'm successful of course.

Having said that, this is a pointless waste of time if nobody is reading it. So I do try to promote my blog, and watch my web stats (as dismal as they are).

In watching my web stats however, I noticed something interesting. During the Phase I part of my blog, I discussed how stuttering has effected my life, and the blog was predominantly negative. And I got a lot of comments on how I should lighten up. One person I met not only told me my blog was negative but said he thought I might show up with a gun! lol ... trust me ... that's not my style.

With regards to my web stats however, I noticed a steady increase in traffic. Until I started my therapy, where I witnessed my web stats top out and quickly drop off once I entered Phase II & III of this blog. I thought these would be my most interesting posts ... this is when I thought things would start to pick up. I interpret this one of 2 things; a) people lost interest when I stopped whining about my problems, or b) my therapy posts were just too dry. I’m leaning towards the whining theory though, since my traffic continued to drop even after therapy ended.

Anyway, as you can see by my stats below; a) there isn't much interest in a blog about stuttering, and b) I'm steadily increasing again and back to Phase I levels. So that's nice.

I receive visits from several countries around the world, most notably, several regular visitors in the Toronto area, United States, UK, New Zealand, Hungary, Pakistan, and France. But also semi-regular / occasional visits from; Australia, Germany, Luxembourg, Switzerland, India, Spain, Ireland, Latvia, Bulgaria, Israel, Italy, Belgium, Norway, Malaysia, Japan, Slovenia, Denmark, Kuwait, Mexico, Sweden, Serbia and Montenegro, Netherlands, South Africa, Finland, Singapore, Chile, Brazil, United Arab Emirates, Portugal, Peru, Bahamas, Iran, Croatia, Cyprus, and Thailand.

People tend to visit repeatedly when they first find my blog. I assume they're reading all the archives ... I've written a lot since September. So this is a positive thing.

And only about 25-30% of my visits are referred from search engines and other sites. This means most people have bookmarked me and are proactive repeat visitors. So I'm interpreting that as very positive thing.

Phase	Week	Unique Visits (first 4-5 wks missing)
I	Week 39	74	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I	Week 40	82	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I	Week 41	107	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
II	Week 42	106	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
II	Week 43	100	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
II	Week 44	74	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 45	48	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 46	61	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 47	55	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 48	31	XXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 49	42	XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 50	30	XXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 51	62	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 52	38	XXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 01	77	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 02	49	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 03	82	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 04	91	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 05	91	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
III	Week 06	118	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By the way, a Unique Visit is when the reader first comes to the site. If the reader reads comments and archives for 4 hours, they will still only show up as one unique visit. But if they leave, and come back 5 minutes later, it counts as a second unique visit.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everybody for continuing to read what I have to say and supporting me in my journey.

Sincerely,
John MacIntyre

Transfer-Wk 14,Sat-Demosthenes Society

2006-02-12T01:17:00.000-05:00

This morning I attended the February Demosthenes Society meeting, where we practiced the skills learnt in therapy. The meeting went fine. I had the opportunity to both practice my targets verbally, and focus on other member’s execution of their skills.

One thing that really caught my attention today however, were the members executing targets “less than optimally”. Some were stuttering pretty badly. Although my own stutter was comparable, if not worse, before my therapy, I felt light years ahead in my own fluency.

Even though, I’ve spent the last few months feeling like my control is sliding, I think I’ve almost forgotten where I was just 6 months ago, before my therapy. From a progress point of view, I suppose it would be appropriate to interpret this as a good thing.

At the end of the meeting, another member commented on my blog. So that was cool. And the webmaster asked me to send the URL, so other members may soon be exposed to my observations and insights.

What?? ‘Insights’ is too strong a word? … and slightly arrogant you say? … ok … how about ‘possibly-misguided ramblings’. ;-)

As a side note, there is a web development scripting technology called P.H.P.. Lately, I’ve noticed whenever I say this phrase, I get stuck on the last ‘P’. I’m thinking that since the ‘H’ ends with a ‘ch’ sound, I may be using too much air on it. So when I get to the final ‘P’, my lungs are empty. This theory is supported by the fact that saying PHP with a full diaphragmatic breath does not cause a problem. I will ask Lori, my therapist, when I see here on Wednesday.

Transfer-Wk 14,Fri.-Daily practice

2006-02-10T15:41:00.000-05:00

Although, I’ve ventured into the drive through a few times since my last post, control has been virtually non-existent, so I left it out of my blog.

Speaking of which, pulling my targets out of thin air, for controlled speech, is becoming increasingly difficult. If I don’t do my shaping every day, it’s almost impossible to pull it off.

Wednesday, at toastmasters, I volunteered for the responsibility of “Invocation / Toast”. Basically, I give a toast at the beginning of the meeting. I came up with a good toast, even though I left it to the last minute. My delivery was almost controlled, but I was so nervous, my hand was shaking uncontrollably. When I took a drink, I spilt water on my shirt. That’s not a sign that I felt in control by any means.

I’m still doing my shaping everyday … well pretty much … well once every other month anyway. ;-)

Seriously, I do my shaping almost every day. However there have been occasions where I don’t. As mentioned in a previous posting, my stopwatch was broken for a bit, and I was unable to do it for over a week. Then there are also times where I’m so caught up with what needs to be done, I’ll put it off for an hour, then forget, then another hour, then another, then the day is over without me doing it. And sometimes I will try to do it right before somebody is around to speak to … this almost always fails with me not doing it until the evening, if at all.

Yesterday and this morning I noticed however, that I did not want to do my shaping. When I grabbed my stopwatch to do it, I kept thinking about the pains in my chest and throat caused by the stress speaking without air.

I don’t know why this kept coming to mind. Perhaps I had better pay closer attention to my full breath target when speaking and doing my practice. I have noticed that I am starting to miss the full breath target consistently in spontaneous speaking situations.

About 2 weeks ago, Tom Weidig, of The Stuttering Brain, asked about the acceptable cost-benefit limits of practice. He said his cost benefit limit was 30 minutes of exercise per day or 1 hour if skipping days was an option, if he was guaranteed not to stutter for the rest of the day. Based on the comments to that posting, I believe others are in agreement.

When I first read that, I disagreed and felt it’s worth a lot more than 30 minutes per day. My recommended practice is 90 minutes extra per day, not 30. And that’s also not including the practice I should be doing in my regular life which does not take extra time.

I mean the benefits I’ve felt since doing my therapy have been astounding! Major life changing benefits! I feel it’s well worth the cost … and I don’t have a guarantee!

But saying and doing are two different things. My daily decisions reveal my true values.

So based on my daily decisions, what is my daily practice cut off time? Apparently it’s 30 minutes, since that is how much, on average, I spend on daily practice.

Logically, I still disagree. But, I guess I need to convince my subconscious. ;-)

PFSP in the United States

2006-02-03T17:21:00.000-05:00

For any stutterers in the United States. There is a program in the Eastern Virginia Medical School, in Norfolk, Virginia. It appears to be very similar to the program I took.

While I don't know anything about thier program, they got a glowing recommendation in one of my comments :
"I would gladly follow Ross Barrett into the bowels of hell."

;-)

If anybody else has taken a fluency shaping program, please forward a link.

FYI: Free stutter devices for Florida kids

2006-02-02T18:13:00.000-05:00

Although there is controversy over the long-term effectiveness of auditory feedback devices; many are curious. Personally, as a research volunteer in my early twenties, I can say this ... "I didn't notice any improvements."

But if you have a child who stutters, and want to give it a try. There is a program in Florida where they are being given away. The phone number is (877) 4-FLUENCY ... I believe it's sponsored by SpeechEasy.

For adults or anybody not in Florida ... thorough research might be prudent.

Transfer-Wk 13,Thurs.-Drive through-2nd attempt

2006-02-02T15:14:00.000-05:00

I had a follow up to my therapy yesterday. Lori, my therapist, is happy with my progress and current speech pattern. I was in pretty good control of my targets and my self corrections were good. That was nice to hear, since I wasn’t consciously self correcting.

The past few weeks have been difficult for me. My practice has dropped off again due to the project I’m working on … actually my problem is more of an inability to manage my time properly. Time compression in a “flow state” to be precise.

As a result of my lack of practice, my speech has been sliding a bit. Recovery is more difficult, and blocks are increasing. However, out of the 6 starting members of my class, I was the only one in yesterdays follow up, so I think I may be ahead of the curve.

After my follow up, my speech was flowing so well, that I thought I’d try the drive through thing again. This is how it went …

“Medium vanilla milkshake” … no problem! Perfect execution!

Who da man? … you da man! … who? …. that’s right … ME! ha ha

So while I’ve got that bit of idiocy running through my head, the girl working the drive through, being in full control of her faculties, continues her end of the order taking.

“Is that it?” She asks

Huh? What? … Is that it? …. “Uh yeah, that’s it” … no targets on “Uh” or “Yeah”, but used them in “that’s it”

“Do you want fries with that?”

Huh? Oh yeah.. fries … “Uh no” … poor target execution.

“Just the milk shake?”

What? Every question takes me by surprise.

“Yes” … no targets … slight stutter, no big deal … but no control.

“That’ll be $3.??, come to the second window.”

Sooo … maybe next time I’ll save the back patting for after I pay.

Who da man? … Not you dumb ass … wake up!

;-)

After dinner, I went to Toastmasters. I volunteered for the grammarian role, so I counted the “ums” and “ahs” and it gave me a bit more speaking time that usual. But my fluency wasn’t the greatest. Targets were weak and used mostly in recovery.

I was tired too. I was up since 2am and only had 3 hours sleep the night before. I’ve heard a lot of PWS (People Who Stutter) mention how the lack of sleep increases their stutter, but I’ve never noticed it before. But I think I felt it last night.

Anyway, I’ve been anxious to do my second Toastmasters speech, and signed up for the next available spot. It will be on February 15th. However, this is the night of the annual club speech contest. So, I’ve inadvertently signed up for a speech competition.

Holy Crap!

In over my head? Nah … but I don’t expect to win it. ;-)

I don’t know what I will talk about yet, but I had better increase my speech therapy practice though.

Transfer-Wk 13,Tues.-Drive through resolution

2006-01-31T23:30:00.000-05:00

So far my fluency resolutions have been pretty weak. I’ve missed the first two, namely; “Jan-10 Go a full day without stuttering”, and “Jan-15 Go 2 days in a row without stuttering”. These goals may have been a wee bit optimistic anyway.

Well today was the deadline for the third resolution, namely; “Jan-31 Order something in a drive through”. I really wasn’t looking forward to this, and knew it was coming up. I’ve actually considered doing it every day for the past two weeks. Even earlier today, I considered doing it, but put it off.

By 9:30, I knew that I needed to do it if I was going to have any self respect, so I got my coat on and drove to McDonalds for a McFlurry. I had planned on going for a coffee, but it was getting late, and I wanted to get some sleep.

Well I got there, saw the line, and many avoidance thoughts went through my mind.
The line is too long.
I don’t even want anything.
Perhaps I should get something easier to say than “Oreo McFlurry”.
What if I block? .. Can I get out of the line? .. How pathetic will that be if I do!
I should do this later.
Why bother? After all; I’ve already missed my other resolutions.
Etc, etc, etc, …

Then as I was trying to get in line, a car full of young girls came out of no-where and cut in front of me. Which started up the crap center again; how pathetic will that be if I’m suffering trying to get my order out, and they’re all in the car in front of me watching me make an ass out of myself?

You know … all kinds of fun stuff was going through my head. ;-)

Anyway, I did finally get to the drive through speaker. I stumbled, blocked, word switched, mid-word word switched, mid-syllable word switched, used starter words, and starter sounds. But got my order out, and at least a little bit was using my targets. So that’s good.

I think I should force myself to continue doing this until I am able to use my targets consistently. Actually, perhaps I should make the drive through my standard procedure for ordering stuff … just to keep on top of it.

I will try again tomorrow. … Maybe I should track my weight gain as well. ;-)

Transfer-Wk 12,Wed.-Another Toastmasters Ribbon

2006-01-26T01:34:00.000-05:00

My second Best Table Topics ribbon … cool eh?

I stumbled several times at Toastmasters this evening, but each time was able to regain my fluency. To be honest though, my control was less than optimal.

In tonight’s meeting, we were given some literature which included a questionnaire for the VP of Education. The questionnaire basically asked what our expectations and goals were within Toastmasters.

To be honest, my goals at Toastmasters are really just an extension of my goals in speech therapy. I want to be fluent. I want to maintain the skills learned in therapy. I want to be challenged … and public speaking is definitely a challenge for somebody with Persistent Developmental Stuttering.

I would also like to give talks to local businesses about database and software development. Maybe even do some workshops or something.

But that’s really it. I’ve never really thought too much about my expectations and goals within Toastmasters beyond that.

It has occurred to me that combining public speaking with my interest in personal development (great site), and now writing, could easily launch me into a “Motivational Speaker” role. When you combine the fact that I’m publicly challenging, and planning to conquer a seemingly insurmountable obstacle (stuttering); I suppose I might even be easy to market. But, after a 20 minute mental walk down that path, I realize; it’s not for me.

However, one possibly, highly beneficial goal may be to start a Toastmasters Club for IT people in Mississauga. There doesn’t appear to be any in the GTA (Greater Toronto Area), but I believe this would be highly advantageous to its members, and might be quite popular.

I mentioned this in my Fluency Resolutions, but after this evening, I think I should start pursuing this immediately. Although, I should start immediately, it may take me a year to get into a position where I can start a club.

In my conversation this evening, it appears as though signing up for more than one speech per month may be pushing club etiquette. So there just isn’t enough time to complete all the speeches I would have to do. I believe a minimum 6 months as a club officer is required … so I would have to become a club officer quickly in order to get the experience. (I’m expecting a baby soon, so not too quickly.)

Volunteering for roles each week is also something I’m doing to get as many speaking opportunities as possible.

Coming back to my Fluency Resolutions, you may notice my stats are no longer on the top of each post. This is due to the self destruction of my laptop a couple weeks ago. I will be starting the stats again soon, but I did lose the stats I had, so I’ll be starting pretty much from scratch.

There was also a bit of a delay in my maintenance last week when I dropped my stop watch. I spent a couple days trying to find somebody who would fix it without sending it away for a week. Somebody actually fixed it while they were looking at it, after they told me there was nothing he could do, and didn’t charge me or tell me it was fixed. So I spent another day searching, before somebody else told me it wasn’t broken!

Now I feel guilty for not thanking the guy who fixed it.

Transfer-Wk 12,Tues.-Phone transfers delivered

2006-01-24T14:28:00.000-05:00

Last night we Canadians exercised our right to elect a new Prime Minister. If you’re not from Canada, let me summarize our choices (as I see them at least) :

Liberals – Widely regarded as corrupt.

Conservatives – Entire platform seemed to be based on Liberals being in power for too long, and now it’s their turn by default.

NDP – Spend spend spend.

Bloc Québécois – Anti Canada

Anyway, my elected MP (Member of Parliament) is Colleen Beaumier.

What the heck has this got to do with stuttering? What could this possibly have to do with my therapy?

Well the first paragraph was mostly just venting. ;-)

But the comment about Colleen Beaumier is relevant because when I had my phone number changed a few months ago, I got her old number. At least if you look up C. Beaumier in the phone book, my new phone number is listed. Whether that’s actually her or not is irrelevant since appearing to be has the same effect.

I’m guessing MP’s receive a lot of unsolicited calls from constituents. Based on this, I would assume Ms. Beaumier wisely asked for an unlisted number before the election started. Then I was given her old number after the 2006 phone books hit the printer.

So I’ve been receiving at least one call for her per day for the past 2 weeks.

I’m interpreting this as god/the universe/fate/karma/etc’s way of telling me I need more phone transfers. And if I’m not going to do them myself, they’re going to come to me!

Six months ago I would have called Bell and asked for yet another number, but I’ve decided to prepare for the onslaught of phone calls and treat them as practice for my speech therapy.

Bring it on …

PS-Colleen, please don’t be too controversial though. ;-)

Transfer-Wk 11,Thurs.-Word Switching

2006-01-19T13:29:00.000-05:00

What is “Word Switching”?

Unfortunately there is no entry for “word switching” on wikipedia.org to plagiarize in its entirety. But I did find the following in the “Avoidance” section, in the entry for “Stutter”.

“When stuttering, stutterers will often use nonsense syllables or less-appropriate (but easier to say) words to ease into the flow of speech. … “

“As stutterers often resort to word substitution in order to avoid stuttering, some develop an entire vocabulary of easy-to-pronounce words in order to maintain fluent speech—sometimes so well that no one, not even their spouses or friends, know that they have a stutter. Stutterers who successfully use this method are called "covert stutterers" or "closet stutterers". While they do not actually stutter in speech they nevertheless suffer greatly from their speech disorder. The extra effort it takes to scan ahead for feared words or sounds is stressful, and the replacement word is usually not as adequate a choice as the stutterer originally intended. Famously, some stutterers drastically limit their options when dealing with employees at given establishments; only eating cheeseburgers at fast-food restaurants, ordering toppings they do not like on pizzas, or getting a style of haircut they do not want as a by-product of their inability to pronounce certain words. Some stutterers have even changed their own given name because it contains a difficult-to-pronounce sound and frequently leads to embarrassing situations.”
Source : Wikipedia.org

When I started my therapy, I was given a questionnaire about my current stutter. One of the questions asked if I word switched; I replied that I did not word switch. I also maintained this position in conversations about stuttering.

Basically, my position was that I used to word switch, but hadn’t for many years. And why bother since I stutter on everything anyway.

But near the end of my therapy, during my heightened awareness of the events between my lungs and lips; I noticed that I was constantly attempting to word switch! Constantly!

Actually, my word switching was so bad that saying the correct word felt wrong at a gut level.

Not only that; but I later realized that I was word switching in mid-word and even mid-syllable!

Check this out … it’s a recording of one of my phone transfers where I reverted back to my old pattern. Fortunately it only took me 3-4 seconds to recover, versus the pre-therapy probable inability to recover.

Click here to listen

What the heck was that????

What happened at “Thank You”????

That’s not stuttering!

But that is what my speech pattern has become in the past 5-10 years. A whole lot of that mess! That reduces job searches to a series of resume emails, initial phone calls, and no interviews! It’s not a st-st-stutter.

That’s what my entire speech used to be! From picking up the phone and saying ‘Yes?’ (I haven’t been able to say ‘Hello’ for 25 years) till the caller hangs up.

So what the heck was that?

That, my friend, was a very unsuccessful, mid-syllable, word switch.

Let’s break it down:
I started off saying “Thank You”
It was going nowhere, so I switched to “Ok, Thank You”
Since that also failed, I tried “Ah, Ok, Thank You”
That failed, so I reverted back to “Ok, Thank You” and began switching between “Ah…” and “Ok…”

So the final result was something like “Ohhaaaaaooooooaaaaaaooooooaaaaaaaooooaaaaaoooook thank you”

And that was mild compared to what I used to do.

But, it was an incredible relief when I figured it out … it was an epiphany into my problem! I still have a regular stutter; it’s not an early symptom of some upcoming mental illness. And it’s not a newly developed stuttering pattern, that somebody will coin the “MacIntyre Effect”!

Bottom line; if I control my fluency, that thing is history.

Word switching may also explain a problem I started having about 6 years ago, where I would often switch a very important word for another, which usually made no sense in the context. Could it be that I was focusing so much on the difficulty I was having speaking, and not enough on the content, that an unconscious word switch was making my sentence meaningless?

But lets get down to brass tacks; what happened to cause the above mid-syllable word switch? Why did I feel the need to word switch at all? Lets talk targets … what did I do which was inconsistent with my therapy?

Well first off, I was not stretching syllables to a rate where I felt control, that’s obvious. The fact that I couldn’t say “Thank” leads me to believe I may have missed the gentle onset target on the ‘a’ after the silent ‘th’. And there was a possible missed slow change target moving from the ‘th’ to ‘a’.

Still alive

2006-01-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

Just a note to say that I'm still here.

My Laptop died on me last week at the most inopportune time, and I've been trying to get caught up ever since.

I'll probably post something on word switching Wednesday.

Regards,
John

Transfer-Wk 9,Wed.-Video; discussing maintenance

2006-01-04T23:25:00.000-05:00

Last stuttered on 01/04/06	0 days since last stutter
0 times through drive through	6 days since missing shaping
1 days since missing review	5 structured phone calls made
1 speeches made	0 sales calls made
13 conversations initiated

Today, I thought I'd "save time" by doing a video rather than blasting out a few hundred words. Why is it; the short cuts always leave you wishing you'd just gone the long way? ;-)

Transfer-Wk 9,Tues.-Fluency Resolutions

2006-01-03T12:46:00.000-05:00

Last stuttered on 01/03/06	0 days since last stutter
0 times through drive through	5 days since missing shaping
0 days since missing review	2 structured phone calls made
1 speeches made	0 sales calls made
7 conversations initiated

Admitting you make New Years Resolutions appears, to me at least, to be highly out of vogue. There are many criticisms, including; nobody keeps their resolutions, why wait for New Years to improve yourself, they just don’t work, etc …

While the annual goal setting may seem passé, I see the change of calendar year as a good point of reference to measure progress. The New Year approaching is also a good reminder to do something about personal weaknesses.

In my humble opinion, many people don’t keep their New Years resolutions for the same reason I can’t seem to maintain my fluency, even after my obviously effective therapy; A total lack of self-discipline.

But you can’t stop trying. I made a resolution 15 years ago, to stop a disgusting, 9 year, chain-smoking habit … it lasted 3 days. It was another failed attempt within a prolonged series. But on January 6th, I tried again, and haven’t had a cigarette since. You’ve got to keep trying till you nail it.

Below are some goals I’ve set for myself with regards to my stuttering. Most will seem pretty lame to any non-stutterer, probably even most stutterers, but I can assure you, they are all beyond my comfort zone. However, by the time this blog is finished, I plan to accomplish things many non-stutterers would find challenging.

Jan-10	Go a full day without stuttering
Jan-15	Go 2 days in a row without stuttering
Jan-31	Order something in a drive through
Feb-15	Go 7 days without stuttering
Feb-28	Put my phone number on my professional website
Feb-28	Start phoning clients at least once a month
Feb-28	Start advertising my business (invite new clients to contact me)
Mar-31	Start making follow up calls regarding my advertising
Mar-31	Make 700 phone transfer
Mar-31	Make 100 face-face transfers
Apr-30	Make a speech in front of potential clients
Jun-30	Earn my Competent Toastmaster (CTM) designation
Oct-01	Join a local Toastmasters for IT Professionals. If none exist, start one.
Nov-01	Make a serious contribution in International Stuttering Awareness Day. If there are no events; initiate something
Nov-01	Go 60 days without stuttering by end of my blog

Transfer-Wk 9,Mon.-Structured Transfers

2006-01-02T14:34:00.000-05:00

Last stuttered on 01/02/06	0 days since last stutter
0 times through drive through	4 days since missing shaping
0 days since missing review	2 structured phone calls made
1 speeches made	0 sales calls made
0 conversations initiated

Today I got back on the ball doing my structured transfers. I decided to do 10 phone calls and ask computer stores and hair stylist places “Are you open today?”.. “Thank You.”.

I figured since it’s the first working day after a weekend statutory holiday, the question is plausibly realistic. Even if answering my call makes the answer self-evident.

Bottom line; I got 2 phone calls done in a half hour.

The first phone call I got stuck on “Today” & “Thank You”. I wasn’t that nervous when I started making the call, but by the third ring, I noticed my hand was shaking. I was actually shocked to notice it, since I didn’t think I was that nervous. The big targets I missed were Reduced Articulatory Pressure (RAP II) and Amplitude Contour (AC). I know I missed my RAP II target since my tongue felt like it had teeth marks in it. I believe I missed AC because I got stuck in mid sentence.

I finally got around to my second call after taking a breather and making a series of unanswered calls. My second call was so bad that I actually hung up midway through it. I haven’t done that for a long time. And I don’t mean a “not since my therapy” long time, I mean it’s been at least a year.

Basically, on my second call, I had trouble with “Are”, but managed to get it out. But with “You”, I couldn’t get past the “Y” … it just dragged on forever. “Are” may have been a missed Stretched Syllable target, but the problem with “You”, I can only assume it was a problem with Slow Change since it happened mid-syllable.

After these 2 calls, I decided to take a break and move to something a little less challenging. I attempted to call 3 people I’ve met through therapy, none answered, but at least I successfully used my targets on their voice mail.

Transfer-Wk 8,Fri.-Entrophy & My Solution

2005-12-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

Last stuttered on 12/29/05	0 days since last stutter
0 times through drive through	0 days since missing shaping
0 days since missing review	0 structured phone calls made
1 speeches made	0 sales calls made
0 conversations initiated

In the past week or two, I’ve noticed a serious deterioration in my ability to transfer my targets to the real world. I actually feel like I’ve completely squandered my last week in therapy and all the transfer activities.

I’m pretty upset with my self right now. And since I’m doing this publicly with my real name, I must say, I feel kind of foolish. I suppose I could lie on my blog and imply that things are going well, but the lack of integrity would gnaw at my conscience every time I thought about my therapy. Or worse, those who meet me might think the fault lie with the program when that is obviously not the case at all.

I guess what it comes down to a personal weakness beyond stuttering. It’s a self-discipline failure along with an inability to set priorities. Not that it’s any excuse of my behavior, but I believe these problems are not uncommon in our MTV culture.

Also, I don’t think I’m alone with this problem. I have the distinct feeling others in my program are having the same problems. And in meeting other former participants, I think many, if not most, have similar issues. But like I said, “Not that it’s any excuse”, because I can only be responsible for myself, and my own actions.

Therefore; I should only judge myself on my ability, or inability, to accomplish my goals. And I obviously intend to resolve these problems or I would not be writing this.

A derivative of the above events is that this blog is getting kind of boring .. if I do say so myself. But this may be a good thing, since it has highlighted the fact that I was able to responsibly maintain this blog while under the constraint of time limits. Phase I and II both had firm end dates … I had deadlines.

So what I’ve come up with; is to create a series of ever increasing goals with deadlines. These goals are not going to be earth shattering by any stretch of the imagination, but will be a stretch for me. Actually, anybody who doesn’t stutter will think my goals of making five hundred phone calls or ordering something in the drive through quite ridiculous, but they are well beyond my comfort zone. My long-term goals before the end of the year however, will be well beyond the comfort zone of most non-stutterers.

I will probably post my goals within the next week.

Transfer-Wk 7,Thurs.-Control

2005-12-22T23:20:00.000-05:00

I started writing on November 27th, the day of our first snow fall in Toronto, but got bogged down with the copy right for a great picture I wanted to accompany it. So it just wound up on the back burner.

Well, I really don't have too much to say right now, so I thought I'd post it.

It snowed the other day in Toronto and as usual, the first snowfall brought heavy traffic and a flurry of fender benders.

For some reason, Toronto seems particularly vulnerable to problems after the first snowfall. I don’t recall there being problems like this in my hometown of Halifax. Why does Toronto have so many problems? Are drivers just too aggressive here? Is it the congestion? Is it because our large immigrant population gives us many drivers who are not experienced with Canadian driving conditions?

You can speculate as to what the problem is, but what it really comes down to is control. It’s very easy to delude myself into thinking I am in control when I’m not. And it’s not until I’m sliding into the ditch that it becomes obvious control was lost.

I’m finding my speech is the same way. It’s easy to delude myself into thinking that I’m in control of my speech when really; I’m just coasting on the icy road of spontaneous fluency.

Since my course ended, I have been trying to use my targets in a manner which people would not hear a difference. I suppose I’ve been trying to push the envelope with many of my targets, especially the stretched syllable target.

Is it irresponsible of me to do this? Is it ok for me to be on the bleeding edge of control with my fluency?

Sure .. why not might be a common answer to this.

But why is it acceptable with my speech? I mean surely, if I were to admit being consistently out of control while driving in the snow, I’d be considered reckless, inept, and a general hazard to the community. Even losing control for a second is a sign of complete irresponsibility!

Perhaps this is the attitude I should be taking with my fluency.

Transfer-Wk 6,Fri.-Entropy

2005-12-16T14:30:00.000-05:00

Up until last week I had done my daily shaping every day. But last week I missed 2 days, and this week I missed Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I wasn’t happy that I missed it, but life just kind of took over. By mid week I had totally lost my ability to use my targets, increasingly using my previous spontaneous fluency pattern.

But Wednesday evening, I was stuttering like a maniac picking up a prescription at the drug store…I was blocking badly. And as reminiscent of old times, the guy behind me, just had to see my face as I attempted to shield myself from the embarrassment! He started off behind me, but when I started to stutter, he came around my right side leaning over to watch me. When I turned my back on him, leaning left, he moved completely around to my left side. I turned away again, and he again moved to my right. At this point, I realized he was determined to watch, so I stopped trying to get away from him and let him watch me make a fool out of myself!

Guess what … I came home and did my shaping! I did it yesterday and today. I don’t think I’ll miss it again for a while. ;-)

On a lighter side, I just got a really confusing phone call, where there was obviously something going on at the caller end. When I answered the call, I knew it was an unsolicited call, but saw it as an opportunity to practice my targets. The call went something like this:

Me - “Hello?”
Nothing
Me - “Hello?”
Pause .. “Hi”
“Hi .. how are you?”
“Good .. how are you?”
“Fine … how can I help you?”
Then they hung up.

????

I don’t know what the heck that was, but before my therapy, I definitely would have stuttered and interpreted the hang up as some kind of rejection. Then I would have felt like crap for the rest of the day. At least now I know what ever the heck the problem was … it wasn’t my problem and I quickly moved on with my work.

Transfer-Wk 5,Thurs.-First Toastmasters speech

2005-12-08T11:13:00.000-05:00

Last night I did my first Toastmasters speech. While there is definitely room for improvement, but I believe I did pretty good. You can see the video by clicking here.

My speech was originally cancelled for the Christmas party, but then scheduled again. As a result, I didn’t have a lot of time to prepare it. I actually wrote it on the train that morning, and when I printed it 45 minutes before the meeting, my printer started running out of ink. So I was sometimes looking at unidentifiable words.

In terms of my targets, the start was rough, but I regained control and felt good control for the rest. Even though I can’t really see it on the video. There were a few times when I got tongue tied, but got through it alright. But I probably should decrease my rate for added control, especially since I doubt my audience would have noticed an adverse effect on my delivery.

The biggest thing I noticed in my speech however; is that I wasn’t nervous. At first I thought it was because I just did a speech in front of a larger crowd at the refresher over the weekend, but in thinking it over; I was not nervous because I trusted my targets!

Holy smokes! I trusted my targets! Epiphany!

I guess that is what Yasser meant in his October 30th, comment “If you can successfully apply your targets in a feared situation just once or twice, the fear of that situation will quickly evaporate, and it'll be much easier for you to apply your targets in future.” While I understood Yasser’s comment when I first read it, I think I understand the implications at a whole new level now.

Comments received from other members were overwhelmingly positive. But some constructive comments included; less reading, more eye contact, and more physical gestures. I also noticed I was reading too much and not smiling enough, but the biggest mistake I made was trying to insert something into my speech when it appeared I was going to finish too quickly. You may see it about the 4 minute mark in the video. It looks like a really bad word switch, but in fact … I couldn’t find the right word.

Over all though, I thought my ending was strong. I’m pretty happy with it. The next one will be better.

Here is my speech if anybody is interested:

Imagine not being able to trust a basic motor skill, which is used hundreds or possibly thousands of times per day. That is the problem I face, along with millions of other stutterers.

My name is John MacIntyre, and although I could talk about my wife and 2 kids, my business of database and web-application development, or my interest in financial markets; I can think of nothing more applicable to my goals at Toastmasters.

According to popular statistics, one percent of the population stutters. It may not appear to be that many, because most people with a stutter have been able to successfully hide their stutter through word switching. Word switching is changing words on the fly when you foresee trouble.

Another popular statistic is that public speaking is the number one fear, even more feared than death! But can you imagine having that fear every time you are asked your name? Or every time you order a coffee? Or every time the phone rings?

These fears are common among stutterers. Many of us have let the fear become so strong, that major life decisions are made based on speech avoidance. Decisions like your chosen career, where you work, price shopping, what you buy, and even what you eat.

Well on November 4th, I completed a 3 week program to restructure my speech pattern for fluency. The program was 3 weeks long and an 8 hour per day commitment. We started speaking at the excruciatingly slow speed of 2 seconds per syllable. 8 speaking techniques were then added to our pattern and gradually our rate was increased to approximate the ¼ seconds per syllable, which is common among non-stutterers.

As a result of my therapy, you may observe me doing unusual things, like; speaking very slowly, placing my hand on my stomach to monitor my breathing, or repeating seemingly fluent words where the execution of proper technique was poor.

If anybody is interested, I have detailed the effects of stuttering on my life, my therapy, and my goals and challenges of fluency on my blog; http://pebblesunderthetongue.blogspot.com. There is also a before and after video of my stutter.

So in summary, stuttering is a life diminishing condition and I am going to over come it. And you, my fellow Toastmasters, are going to watch me do it!

Transfer-Wk 5,Tues.-After therapy video

2005-12-07T00:09:00.000-05:00

Before Video	After Video

Dispite the before and after image selection which may come across as looking like a bad ad for stuttering relief; I really am a lot happier now that I can speak. ;-)

Here is a video of me dicussing my therapy with my current speech pattern.

Is it perfect? No.

Am I hitting all my targets, all the time? No.

Is there a transcript? Not yet. Maybe later.

Transfer-Wk 5,Sun.-PFSP Refresher

2005-12-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

This weekend I went to the annual PFSP Refresher. I find events like these help me to keep the targets in mind. Actually, I’ve found anything which keeps my targets in mind is extremely helpful, such as; the follow up therapy sessions, the Demosthenes Society, Toastmasters, and the annual PFSP Refresher.

Rommel’s Charity BBQ was discussed this morning. Basically, one of the past participants got this idea to have a charity BBQ, and took the initiative to do it. He didn’t throw it out there as an idea, but actually made the arrangements, started inviting people, and looking for sponsors. Last year he raised about $3,000.00, which covered his expenses, paid for 2 people who could not afford therapy to take the program, and there is over $500 remaining, which will go towards somebody’s therapy at next years BBQ.

The refresher ends with a speech from most of the participants, and since there are few speeches more inspiring than Winston Churchill’s, I delivered a Winston Churchill rip off. Here it is :

We shall speak on the seas and oceans
We shall speak with growing confidence and growing strength in the air
We shall use our targets, whatever the cost may be
We shall speak on the beaches
We shall speak on the landing grounds
We shall speak in the fields and in the streets
We shall speak in the hills
We shall never surrender to the illusion of spontaneous fluency

Transfer-Wk 3,Wed.-Toastmasters Best Table Topics Ribbon

2005-11-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

While it is probably not too big of a deal for many others, this evening was definitely a step in the right direction for me. Tonight, I was awarded with the Best Table Topics ribbon at my local Toastmasters.

As I explained in my post last week; there is a part of Toastmasters meetings called Table Topics. Basically, topics are thrown out, and you can stand up and discuss it for a minute. This week, I was able to successfully get past the 25 second mark, and didn’t fill most of it with; “wow .. this is harder than I thought … ahhhhh …. No really … it’s not easy. … ahhhhh …. I’ve run out. …. Ahhhh …. Thanks, I’m done.” ;-)

By the way; other than a few misses, I executed my targets consistently in tonights meeting.

I’ve committed to join next week. I’ve heard of how great Toastmasters is for years, but it really is an understatement. You have plenty of speaking opportunities, and it is unbelievably supportive.

Also today, I had a follow up at the Stuttering Center. Basically; I need to continue to tweak my evaluations, record keeping, and work on my self corrections. I also need to practice more. I still have a lot of emotional baggage around the telephone and speaking to people.

Transfer-Wk 2, Thurs-Demosthenes Society, Follow up, & Toastmasters

2005-11-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, I went to a Demosthenes Society meeting (a PFSP support group). I wasn’t sure if I would like it, since I was a member after my therapy in 1993, and really didn’t find it very helpful. To my surprise; this time I found it very helpful to be immersed into an environment where fluency shaping targets are the main focus and spontaneous speech is frowned upon.

Actually, the rest of the day, after the Demosthenes Society meeting, was the best day I’ve had since finishing at the clinic. I also volunteered to help fix a problem on their website and call people before the next meeting. I feel, helping to call people before the next meeting will be a good transfer opportunity. Although, it has crossed my mind, I may not still feel that way in January and then I’ll be in trouble. But hey! …. That’s loser talk! Since the only way I would not still feel the same in January, is if I lost control of my speech. So I’m pretty comfortable with my decision to volunteer.

Yesterday, I took one of my clients and a few members of his staff for lunch as a thank you for allowing me to work from their office while in therapy. It saved me a lot of time, and he wouldn’t accept rent or even a discount on future work, so it was the least I could do. As a derived benefit, lunch would also be a good transfer for my targets, but alas, my target execution was poor.

After lunch, I went to the clinic, where we had our weekly follow up. I went in there feeling pretty lousy … a bit embarrassed and ashamed actually, since I have not been using my controlled fluency all the time. I frequently forget to use my new skills, and my record keeping has been weak due to a lack of organization. Also, my weak target execution over lunch didn’t help either.

But once the meeting got going, I realized the need to just put it behind me and make sure the next week is better. I’ve got to go to the dollar store and buy a notepad, since I quickly forget my missed targets, 2 minutes after a transfer.

And last night, I went to a Toastmasters meeting, where I stood up in front of 15-20 people and spoke several times. The members were very welcoming and immediately helped me feel at ease. I was not at all nervous, although it did take me a while to get my head around what was going on.

My target execution was successful for the most part, and I felt comfortable using my targets. But I have to admit, I felt weird self-correcting poorly executed targets, and even when I did it, I was unable to self-correct to the point of excellence.

If you are not familiar with Toastmasters, there is a part of the meeting called Table Topics, and from what I can gather, topics are thrown out, and you can stand up and discuss it for a minute. Well I tried it, and was unable to go longer than 25 seconds. Further proof that my stutter is not my only communication liability.

I didn’t join Toastmaster last night, but probably will next week.

Transfer-Wk 1,Fri.-Few speaking opportunities

2005-11-11T09:51:00.000-05:00

This post is really going to highlight just how unsocial my life is.

Have I alluded previously to the fact that I work from home? Well I do, and when I have a good project, I usually don’t go anywhere for days. So most of my human interaction is with my wife and 3 year old, who are home and awake only for about 4 hours per day. So most of the time I’m alone.

Although that sounded pathetic, I actually like it, since I can concentrate on what I’m doing. However, as far as my speech therapy goes; being alone isn’t helpful and I’d probably be a lot better off if I could be using my targets all day in an interactive environment.

I suppose this means; I need to be extra diligent with my practice.

Because I’m not speaking very often, I find that the longer I’m out of the intensive therapy, the more I forget to use my skills. I need to find something to help me remember. Lori suggested one of those rubber wristbands, which are trendy right now, but it’s not really my style. Dr. Kroll suggested carrying our stopwatches in our pockets and every time we put out hand in our pockets it will remind us, but it’s too heavy and bulky. Lori, also suggested having some kind of watch timer beep every 15 minutes, which sounds good, but I tried this previously to help my time management / productivity, but found that after a while I started blocking it out. I need to find something a little better.

The best reminder I seem to have is my stutter … but if I’ve lost control so bad that I’m stuttering again … then it’s a pretty weak reminder system now isn’t it? It’s as effective as using the unemployment line to remind you to save money when you’re working. ;-)

I’ve been thinking that perhaps I should get a 3 person golf score keeper, you know those ones that you click every time somebody takes a shot. Well, I could use each score for; spontaneous speech (fluent or disfluent), failed targets, and successful targets. This wouldn’t give enough information to track with failed targets, but at least I could keep track of the overall daily trend of my control levels. It would also serve the same purpose as the stop watch that Dr.Kroll suggested.

At the beginning of the week, I had a pretty good grip on my speech. I was successful in using my targets with a key client both on the phone and in person. But yesterday, I had lunch with a colleague, and my targets were sketchy at best. I tried to self correct a problem I was having, and repeated the word about 6 times before I stopped thinking it may be making him uncomfortable.

But, the telephone transfers are not going too well, and for some reason I can’t seem to say “thank you”, at the end. I block on every one. I am also unable to identify the targets I am missing. When this happened in the clinic, Lori pointed out that I was not breathing before saying thank you. But I have been watching this, and I am breathing before saying thank you. But then I block! Normally blocking means that I missed the Gentle Onset, which I dismissed as not being the problem, since I’m blocking on the soundless TH. But in writing this, it has occurred to me that there is still air in the TH, and if my vocal folds are closing, then maybe I am blocking on it!

This blog is great! Explaining things is sometimes exactly what you need to break you through a mental barrier.

Transfer-Wk 1,Tues.-Fitting practice into my life

2005-11-08T08:44:00.000-05:00

Since the intensive portion of my therapy ended on Friday, I’ve been struggling to incorporate the practice into my life.

On Saturday I made the huge mistake of trying to organize my shaping around somebody else’s schedule. Shaping is a 20 minute exercise to practice the targets, starting at the ultraslow 2 seconds per syllable, then speed it up to my normal speaking rate. The exercise is then followed by a 5-10 minute conversation.

My problem is that I was waiting until I knew my wife would be home to do my shaping, so I could do the conversation with her. Big mistake, she went out first thing in the morning to pick something up, but through a series of unforeseen “shopping opportunities”, she didn’t get back until 2:00 in the afternoon. Since I had no food in the house, I then had to go buy lunch. Then as soon as I got back, we scurried out the door to a party.

Soooo …. the party I was planning to use as practice for my targets wasn’t really effective, since I didn’t do my shaping before going. I tried to use my targets, but wasn’t as accurate as I was the day before.

I’ve done my shaping every day since, but this morning was the first time I did it optimally. I’m going to attempt to do it right before my first speaking opportunity, but if I don’t know when it will be, I’ll just do it without the follow up conversation.

I’m also having a difficult time remembering to do my review. By re-reading the manuals for 10-15 minutes per day (repeating when finished), my skills will not deteriorate. In order to resolve that, I think I may put my manuals beside my bed, or in the TV room.

I also need to figure out some way to record my spontaneous transfers. Either carry a transfer sheet around with me always, or start using my Palm V again. But I find without writing them down immediately, I am quickly forgetting which targets I’m missing.

One target I am having serious problems with is full breath. Basically, I continuously attempt to speak without breathing. As if the 16 year old kid working at Wal-Mart, has a demanding schedule and can’t afford to wait. ;-)

Also, I planned to do another video and write a summary of what I learnt in therapy, but haven’t gotten around to it yet. Possibly later in the week.

PFSP-Day 15-Last day of the program

2005-11-04T19:28:00.000-05:00

Above is a picture of my class mates and therapists. Top row left to right; Dr. Kroll who runs the Stuttering Centre, Sabir, Nicole, and Aygul. Lower row; left to right; myself, Payman, Lori Scott-Sulsky (our therapist).

Today was the last day of the program. And we’ve all learnt a lot, but our work is just beginning. The next month will prove critical.

Wish us luck.

PS-I may post a summary of our therapy over the weekend.

PFSP-Day 14-Talk about maintenance

2005-11-04T06:09:00.000-05:00

Maintaining our new skills will require 24hr self-monitoring, plus another 90 minutes per day for structured practice. This will be necessary for at least the next year.

Our daily practice will include

Shaping – Morning target review.

Structured practice – Creating situations to use the targets.

Spontaneous practice – Using existing situations as practice sessions.

Daily Review – Reviewing our daily hits & misses.

We wound up at the mall again, approaching strangers to initiate speaking opportunities. I am again trying to speak without breathing first, even when I try to self correct, I often panic and use the old pattern. Most of my targets were off in that transfer session.

Speaking of missing my targets, I had a discussion with Lori about why it’s happening. Lori doesn’t feel that I’m being objective, where as I don’t feel that I’ve communicated my thoughts accurately. She might be right though, since objectivity is like sanity and intelligence, in that it’s impossible to tell when it’s missing.

After my course, I had the pleasure of meeting a fellow PFSP student from a 2002 class. When he found my blog, and told me that he has been transferring his skills to the world, I asked to meet him.

It was great to meet with him, we have a lot in common, he even shares a passion I alluded to earlier .. financial market analysis. However, we also have exact opposite problem areas; he loses his targets after a few minutes of speaking, I start out rough, but can usually get a grip on them, once I self correct. He also has very strong telephone skills, but feels face-face is a problem area, where as I’m the exact opposite.

But the one thing I really got out of meeting him, is the effort to maintain the skills and transfer them into the real world. However, apparently, once you’ve successfully gotten through a rough situation a few times with your targets, the anxiety caused by those situations quickly dissipate.

Also, it would appear, that the new tonality focus in program which I said is new since 1993, wasn’t even in the program in 2002. I’m very happy it has it now. Lori, always points it out when I start chanting. But maybe it’s just be me, since she knows it’s a very important topic for me.

PFSP-Day 13-Mental garbage and face to face transfer

2005-11-03T01:13:00.000-05:00

Today we discussed the regions of the brain, which we use in speaking. Lots of highly technical jargon was thrown around, which I won’t get into here. We also discuss how our negative associations and conditioning affect our ability to apply our new skills.

For example, I have serious issues with the telephone. To me it’s an embarrassment machine, which I’m forced to use everyday just to get by. It causes major anxiety whenever I need to call anybody and I will procrastinate with a phone call for as long as I can get away with it. Sometimes it will take an entire day just to get up the nerve to make the call, and I’m exhausted at the end of the day.

As Lori, my therapist, would put it; “See, all that above … well that’s not helping.”. Basically, Lori says if you are doing your covert practice while waiting to speak, there is no room for any of the negative mental stuff. This makes total sense, but I find it really difficult to do it. Using this with the phone would be really helpful.

Also, I made an observation yesterday. I was talking to Lori, about how sometimes I can’t feel my targets, as I get faster. And that when I completed the course in 1993, I couldn’t really feel them at all. I realized what I was doing; I was simulating my controlled fluency voice like you might mimic an accent! That’s exactly what I was doing! That would also explain why sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, since personally, I can’t just do a fake accent on the fly without getting in the mode first.

At about 11:00, we went to the Mall, where we proceeded to approach people working in the mall, and initiate speech. This would be in the form of a question, where the preferred answer is a simple easily completed answer .. like ‘No’.

My question was “Is there a CIBC in this mall?”. There wasn’t, so it was a good queston. It went smoothly, with a few exceptions. It really didn’t bother me too much.

By 1:00, I was in The Bay, buying a new hat, having a conversation with the cashier. I was even talking to other people in line. I was having my own little party. ;-) It felt damn good … I will say that! Normally, I keep my mouth shut and eyes on the floor, so nobody will initiate speech with me.

Unlike the phone transfer, which is not something I enjoy doing at all. Refer to paragraph 2. ;-)

PFSP-Day 12-Telephone transfer lows

2005-11-01T19:29:00.000-05:00

Today started off ok, with the usual shaping, review, and speeches. I’m not sure if I mentioned them yesterday, but I think we will be starting the day like that for the rest of the program. Then we talked about how important the maintenance phase is, and how we’ll be doing it for a full year following the course.

But then over break, I’m not sure what happened, but my mood took a downswing and I stopped using my targets optimally. Then after break, we started the phone transfers, and I couldn’t get a grip on my targets at all. Usually I can turn them on just by walking through the clinic doors.

My first handful of, transfer, telephone calls were unsupportive. Because I wasn’t spoon fed as I was yesterday; I wasn’t unsure who to call and what to ask. My first few calls went unanswered, then I got somebody who answered after their answering machine started, then they didn’t understand the question even though my speech was clear. It actually sounded like they just rolled out of bed, and weren’t fully functional just yet. They asked “what?” 3 times, and finally answered me.

What the other person does, or doesn’t do is largely insignificant in this practice, since I can only control my own actions. Also, when a call goes bad, I shouldn’t be dwelling on it, not only because it’s counter productive, but because my thoughts should be consumed by my targets. The problem was, I just couldn’t concentrate on my targets.

I told Lori I needed a pep talk. I did need one, but didn’t expect one … actually I didn’t even really want one. Lori doesn’t exactly hold your hand, it’s not her style, and wouldn’t really benefit me anyways. She’s pretty good at knowing when providing support makes you stronger, and when it will make you weaker … then acts accordingly.

By 12:00, I just wanted to leave, but I managed to pull off a few acceptable calls.

After the course I went for lunch and successfully used my targets half way through the order. Then I noticed I was speaking without air when I ordered a coffee. Just recognizing this is a huge accomplishment.

After going to the office and getting a couple hours of work in, I was again able to successfully use my targets. One of my clients even commented on how much I’ve improved. I asked if my voice sounded odd, and he told me it didn’t. Normally, I’d be skeptical, but he’s a long time friend and client who has been frankly honest with me before. So I knew it was genuine.

While at the office, I attempted to use my targets in a phone call to one of my clients web hosting companies; it didn’t go well. But on my way home, I grabbed a bite for dinner, and successfully used my targets again.

Admittedly, I’m not using my targets all the time, but am having a bit of success.

PFSP-Day 11-Telephone Transfer

2005-10-31T22:15:00.000-05:00

In the spring of 1998, a friend asked me to go skydiving with him. The topic of had come up previously, with me telling him how much I wanted to go. But when he asked for a firm commitment, to go in 2 weeks, I quickly realized that although I had once “really wanted to go”, I had since become a bit more reserved and didn’t currently want to do it. I turned him down, but when he went, I felt like I let myself down.

So the next time he went, I was with him. Before my jump, I had a 6-8 hours of instruction, then I geared up and climbed into the airplane. Once inside, I realized there was no turning back, and the tension mounted as the propeller started, the plane started down the runway, we lifted off, we gained altitude, and then the door swung open with a rush of wind raising the decibel level. My stomach was a knot by now, but all that was nothing compared to climbing out … there is nothing quite as scary as climbing out of a moving airplane.

Instead of jumping out of the airplane, as commonly portrayed on TV, this company found it easier for the student to climb out of the plane, standing on the wheel, and holding the strut from the planes body to the wing. Then you would step off the wheel, arch your body and release your hands. This allows you to maintain the arch shape needed to fall chest first, preventing your parachute from getting tangled in the lines. They also found that almost everybody could release their hands, where as many couldn’t jump.

So, I’m hanging out on the wing of an airplane at 3500ft, the instructor says “GO” … I of course say “WHAT?” … “GO!”. So I release my grip and as I see the wing of the airplane slipping out of view, I think “I did it! Oh my god! … I can’t believe I did it! …. Was that such a wise move?”. I swear, those were my exact thoughts.

I don’t remember anything else until I saw the last 2 cells of my chute filling with air … meaning that I was safe. The instructor told me it was not uncommon for people to not remember that part. Is that true? I don’t know. But I did know that I was so terrified from the jump, that I was compelled to go back a few more times and jump until I brought the fear down to a manageable level. Then I quit. It’s just not me.

Well today at the clinic, we started transferring our new skills. Via the telephone!

To put this in perspective for the non-stutterers who may be reading this, there have been times in my life, where I would have felt the same level of fear as I felt on my first skydive. It’s not currently that bad, but there is always at least a bit of anxiety.

Today, knowing that the phone was being passed around and would soon reach me, caused my anxiety to build. It reminded me a lot of the slow trip to 3500ft that I took years earlier.

And when I did finally get the phone, my initial phone call, was a quick stuttering mess. I didn’t even remember what happened. It reminded me of how I have no recollection of what happened between the time I let go of the airplane and chute fully inflated.

In spite of the early anxiety, by the fourth attempt I was using my targets fairly proficiently. By my tenth transfer exercise on the phone, I was having visions of actually talking on the phone in my business. Actually, I’m a pretty optimistic person who sets goals a little to high sometimes, so it wasn’t long before I was even thinking about cold calls! Although, that last part may have been slightly euphoric.

When I got home from the clinic, I had to fix my voice mail. When I went to leave a message, I did it on the first try! What the heck? Holy smokes! This usually takes at least an hour!

Things are really starting to happen. And judging by my willingness to use it in the real world, this time the transition may not be the insurmountable obstacle it once seemed.

PFSP-Day 10-Slow Normal & Shaping

2005-10-29T23:24:00.000-04:00

Friday we moved from the ½ second Stretched Syllable to Slow Normal.

Slow Normal is our new speaking voice. If you’ve been reading this blog, you will have noticed; we started with 2 second Stretched Syllables (SS), moved to 1 sec. SS, then ½ sec. SS, now Slow Normal.

How fast is slow normal? It’s the rate at which I can maintain control and feel my targets execute properly. For me right now, it’s probably about 0.4 seconds per syllable, roughly half the speed of normal speech.

We should not speak faster than our Line of Safety, as Lori, our therapist, put it. Basically the Line of Safety is the speed at which we can accurately use our targets and feel in control. Knowing my Line of Safety will be critical in executing my new speech pattern long term. However, there is the temptation to trade long term control for a short term relief in awkwardness, since just beyond the Line of Safety is spontaneous fluency, in which I can speak fluently without “sounding funny”. I expect staying slower than the Line of Safety will be very difficult with the constant temptation to push beyond it.

Saying my speech is spontaneously fluent just beyond my Line of Safety, is not totally accurate. I expect with the completion of this course, my fluency just beyond my line of safety will be spontaneously fluent. However, as I lose control of my new skill, and time passes, my fluency beyond this line will only become increasingly random.

We also talked about speech chains again. With Slow Normal, comes the ability to emphasize certain words, in order to add tonality. This is HUGE for me. When I did the program in 1993, I was released into the world with a very monotone voice. This caused a few bad experiences when attempting to use it in public. This is something I had planned to do differently, by practicing my tonality, but I hadn’t expected it to be incorporated right into the program. Just another example of how the program has been improved over the past 10 years.

The method we discussed for adding tonality is to give the syllable or word to be emphasized a longer duration than the others. The big trap is not to shorten everything else, as I immediately started doing unconsciously, but to expand the syllable or word to be emphasized.

We also discussed Shaping. Shaping is our daily practice, which we will be using every day for the next Year. We need to do it just before our speaking day begins, and periodically throughout the day if necessary. It’s 20 minutes and goes like this:
1 minute spent monitoring our Full Breath target
3 minutes spent reading out loud at 2 second Stretched Syllable
4 minutes spent reading out loud at 1 second Stretched Syllable
6 minutes spent reading out loud at ½ second Stretched Syllable
6 minutes spent reading out loud at Slow Normal

Then we should immediately engage in a conversation for 5-10 minutes using our targets.

Because my new voice “sounds funny”, I expect it to get some strange reactions from people when I use it. I started using it with my family as soon as I got home on Friday, and although I felt comfortable using it in my “safe” environment, my 3 year old son kept asking me to stop talking funny and to use my “daddy” voice. I started explaining, why I was talking funny, but he was quickly distracted with a balloon and took off. So, I guess it didn’t bother him that much. ;-)

I also attempted to use it in the real world a few times, but none of my attempts were successful ... not that, I’m discouraged. I mostly mention it for the record. In the post-therapy part of this blog, I expect there will be plenty of times where my transfer fails and / or I receive less than accepting reactions from others. I intend to blog about these experiences. Actually, the post-therapy part of my blog will probably be the most interesting.

I am eager to master this skill and refine it to the point where it doesn’t sound “that” funny, and use it regularly. On the other hand, perhaps I should embrace the odd sounding voice. Powerful people throughout history have had oddities about them, which only intensified their persona. But then again, I don’t know if I have the character to back up an oddity. ;-)

PFSP-Day 9-½ Second Stretch

2005-10-27T18:23:00.000-04:00

Today we moved to ½ second stretch. It’s pretty darn close to normal speaking speed, and I can feel that a real life, usable skill, just around the corner.

Believe it or not, moving up to ½ second syllables was difficult and felt too fast after the exaggeratedly prolonged syllables performed during the past week. It actually took me about 40-50 minutes to execute it in a manner I was happy with. But it’s still less than half the, 0.2 second syllables, in regular speech.

Other than that, it was mostly practice via; the gentle onset testing monitor, paired dialog, or group dialog. It was actually pretty relaxing and enjoyable.

One thing I did notice about today, I really feel good. I mean, I’m really tired since I got up early this morning, but otherwise, I’m on top of the world. I contribute this mostly to the lack of fear about looking like a fool if I need to communicate with anybody. I’ve even spoken to a few people I didn’t have to. It was pretty cool.

Tomorrow we move to slow normal, where we will be using our targets at near normal speaking pace.

PFSP-Day 8-Amplitude Contour & Full Articulatory Movement

2005-10-26T19:04:00.000-04:00

Do you know who Mel Tillis is? I sure do.

When I was a kid, it was constantly pointed out to me that the popular 1970s country singer, Mel Tillis, stuttered. Good ole Mel would go on talk shows and stutter just like me, but when he sang, he was as fluent as the next guy. As a result of this, I was often, and occasionally now, advised to just sing it.

So why can Mel Tillis sing without stuttering? ~~Because most stuttering happens when you are starting your voice, and when you sing, it never stops, so there’s no stutter.~~

[After reading one of the comments on this post, I asked my therapist about the singing relationship. She basically told me that while there are similarities, the above text may be misleading. I am leaving this in the blog, to emphisize that this is not an educational blog, but a record of my experience in therapy. It includes my understanding, limited-understanding, and mis-understanding.]

On Monday, we learnt a target, which is similar in nature to singing. Unfortunately, I was so excited about the insights I had with regards to Plosives and moving to the 1 second stretch, that I forgot to mention it.

The new target is called Amplitude Contour, and it’s basically, chaining your syllables together so your voice doesn’t stop. You may notice this came with the move from a 2 second stretch syllable to a 1 second stretch syllable. Since the pattern is; 2 seconds speak, 1 second inhale, 2 seconds speak, 1 second inhale, etc…, it is necessary to join the 2, 1 second, syllables. And in the spirit of the program, a controlled joining target only makes sense.

So with the Amplitude Contour target, we lower the volume, but never stop our voice. We only turn our voice off to inhale.

The target we learnt today is called Full Articulatory Movement (F.A.M.). Essentially FAM is fully articulating our vocal tract in pronouncing the syllable sounds. Some stutterers deal with stuttering by reducing their articulation, this target helps to deal with that problem. I don’t believe FAM is part of the original program, and Dr. Kroll of the Stuttering Centre, added it.

Also, remember the video Dr. Kroll made of us the first day of the program? Well today we got to watch it and analyze the missing targets in our (soon to be) old speech pattern. This is a great idea, as it gives us that personal touch of dealing specifically with the problem areas each of us has.

Fortunately, I’ve seen myself on video before, so the stutter was not that much of a shock.

PFSP-Day 7-Homework

2005-10-25T18:37:00.000-04:00

There isn’t a whole lot to talk about today. We practiced with the Gentle Onset monitor for a while, then we were quizzed on our retention rate for the course so far. Reviewing the quiz took the rest of the morning, since every item was discussed in 1 second, stretch syllable.

By the way, all interaction in the clinic now is using targets and the 1 second, stretched syllable. I find this pretty exciting, as we are getting closer to being able to apply these skills to our daily lives.

Today, however, I would like to discuss my weekend homework though and attempt to project the enormous undertaking of this course. I glossed over this in Sunday’s post, but I failed to do it justice. I was tired and frustrated, and could have done a better job. I didn’t even discuss the Gentle Onset test box, of which I uploaded a picture.

Above is a picture of the Gentle Onset box. Pretty unassuming, I know, but it’s a frustration machine! ;-) It’s simple, with 2 items being the most important; the microphone, and the Gentle Onset indicator light. You speak into the microphone from about a foot away, and if you perform the Gentle Onset target correctly, the light comes on.

The trick to getting the light on, is to start your sound almost silently, and gradually increase your volume. If you start above a certain (unknown) volume, it won’t light. If you increase the volume too fast, it won’t light. If you don’t increase it fast enough, it won’t light. If you change your pitch, it won’t light. If you have any kind of break in your volume, it won’t light.

But just getting the light on is not enough, you need to keep it on. The light should stay on until you have achieved full volume in the practiced sound. And if you are practicing multi-sound syllables, the light should stay on, until you have stabilized the last stretchable sound.

So, if you have the word ‘SOON’; ‘S’ is not stretchable, and should be articulated as lightly as possible. ‘OO’ should be started with the Gentle Onset with an increasing volume until the light comes on. The ‘OO’ should then be slowly changed to the ‘N’ sound. If the change from the ‘OO” to the ‘N’ is too fast, or unstable, or the volume is not maintained, or your pitch changes; the light goes out.

It’s very frustrating when the light doesn’t come on. And no matter how accurate you believe your articulation is, it still doesn’t come on, or keeps going out on you. Very frustrating.

To put this in perspective, over the weekend, my homework assignment consisted of:
1.Monitor exercises for Class II sounds (stretchable consonants)
2.Covert (mental) practice for Class II sounds
3.Tape the reading of 4 paragraphs, then listen & correct
4.Have 2 conversations with somebody outside the clinic while monitoring my targets.
5.Monitor exercises for Class III sounds (air consonants; s,sh,f,etc..)
6.Covert (mental) practice for Class III sounds
7.Time my covert practice of a 50 syllable paragraph. Do this 3 times to check my timing.

Most of this isn’t that big of a deal, but 1 & 5 consisted of 273 and 180 sounds respectively. Each was performed 5 times, for a collective total of 2,265 repetitions assuming I made no mistakes. And I made plenty of mistakes.

So there you have it, this is no small undertaking by any means, and the hard part of transferring my new skills to the real world is still to come.

PFSP-Day 6–Reduced Articulatory Pressure & 1 Second Stretch

2005-10-24T20:00:00.000-04:00

After yesterdays, massive homework frustrations, I really wasn’t very excited about the program this morning. But in discussing our homework, I found out I was too far from the box, and was ramping back down just as I was approaching the appropriate volume. I tested this, and indeed that seems to have been my problem. There are so many things to remember and focus on, that sometimes the obvious eludes you … not that it’s that obvious.

We also discussed Plosives and their targets; the usual; Stretched Syllable (SS), Full Breath (FB), Gentle Onset (GO), Slow Change (SC), Reduced Air Pressure (RAP I), and a new one Reduced Articulatory Pressure (RAP II).

Reduced Articulatory Pressure is basically using as little force as possible in your vocal tract. So, when you make the ‘P’ sound, you only gently put your lips together and allow your voice to blow them apart. I was skeptical until I did it, but it sounds exactly the same as forcing your lips together. Then the first stretchable sound after the Plosive is stretched and started with a Gentle Onset. Missing the first stretchable sound, may lead to blocking later. Also, RAP I is implied with RAP II, so reducing the articulatory pressure will coincide with a reduction in air pressure.

Have you ever flattened a penny on the railway tracks as a kid? You put the penny on the track when you hear a train coming, then stand back. After the train passed, you are left with a flattened bit of copper the thickness of a blade of grass.

Well, my strategy for breaking through the ‘B’s, and ‘P’s of my life, has always been to attempt to crush my lips together with as much penny crushing force as possible. I realize this doesn’t make sense on a logical level, but when you are trying to get through the block, that’s what usually ends up happening.

Lori explained this type of Plosive block today. She said I am really blocking at the voice box level, and our vocal tract just continues the course it was on, until the voice shows up … which it never does. So I end up jamming my lips together, along with having all the other facial pressures, which accompany it. You know … I’ve had problems on ‘P’s and ‘B’s for 30 years, and always assumed my problem was at the lips! It wasn’t until she told me this, that I realized it was just another block!

And again, my shallow breathing was pointed out. I am not breathing with my abdomen, but instead am relying solely on my chest and shoulders. This comes up everyday, but I just keep repeating the same mistake. It’s really something I should work on. Perhaps I should add it to my nightly practice.

The highlight of my day was when we moved from the 2 second stretch to a faster 1 second stretch. I believe the sequence goes; 2 second, 1 second, ½ second, then slow normal. The faster I get to slow normal and get to actually start using these skills, the happier I will be. But if I get to a regular speed again, without maintaining the targets, then it’s all for nothing.

PFSP Week 1-Frustration

2005-10-23T23:38:00.000-04:00

I’ve heard a saying to the effect of “You should welcome frustration. Because when you get frustrated, you’re about to learn something”. Well, if that’s true, I’m about to make a major breakthrough! Possibly even discover a strategy for world peace, or a way to reverse global warming!

I am SSSSSSSSOOOOOOO frustrated! And I’m tired! I feel like I’ve spent the entire weekend in front of that Gentle Onset test box! And I’ve still got homework left.

I slowly grind away at the exercises, checking off each sound as I do it correctly, then, when I’m almost finished a particular sound group, I’ll get stuck and spend 20 minutes on a single check. Some times this may be the last one, and I just need to say it one more time, but it takes me 35 minutes.

I haven’t done it (yet), but I bet that test box has been thrown across a few rooms in it’s lifetime. ;-)

Overall the week has been good. I learnt a lot and picked up a few insights about my problem. The fact that I’m not breathing properly is HUGE!

It’s also ironic that most of my problems with speech, has to do with the ill conceived strategies I’ve adopted over the years to try to push through the stutter. If I just stuttered the way I did when I was 7, I’d be fine.

I was hoping to summarize what I learnt this week, and possibly add something insightfull, but really; I just want to get to bed before 1am. So, back to my homework.

FYI-Day 3 has been updated

2005-10-23T01:07:00.000-04:00

Please notice that I have posted the activities for Wednesday.

Thank you for your patience,
John

PFSP-Day 5-Slow Change and Reduced Air Pressure

2005-10-22T21:45:00.000-04:00

Thursdays practice with Gentle Onset was only with vowels. But what happens when the first stretchable sound is not a vowel? What happens with constricted sounds? And Fricative or Popping sounds? Well they can be a little different.

For this we learnt 2 new targets; Slow Change and Reduced Air Pressure.

Slow Change is the slow, controlled, articulatory change from one stretchable sound to another stretchable sound. For example; the word ‘NO’ has 2 stretchable sounds, you will use a gentle onset for the ‘N’ sound, slowly increase the volume to full, then slowly change your vocal folds and vocal tract constrictions into the ‘O’ sound positions. Vocal tract constrictions changes would include lowering your tongue from the back of your teeth, slightly increase the parting of your teeth, and forming a circle with your lips.

Notice words ‘stretchable’ in that last paragraph? They’re there for a reason; you can’t do a slow change from a Fricative, because you will lose all of your air before getting to the next letter.

Reduced Air Pressure is for the Fricatives. By reducing air pressure on these sounds, you have air to perform the Gentle Onset with the first stretchable sound.

So, if you have a word like ‘SNOW’, the first sound is a Fricative and should be approached with minimal air pressure as to keep the sound audible.

Hear it

Two things I’ve learned by stretching my voice for the past few days is; a) my voice jumps wildly in pitch and volume, and b) I can’t seem to differentiate between raising my pitch and volume.

Lori, my therapist, often walks into the clinic test room when my gentle onset test box doesn’t appear to be working correctly. She knows immediately what my problem is and always says the same things; “You’re raising your pitch, not your volume”, and “Talk like a robot”. I do it, and sure enough it works.

She has also pointed out that I keep trying to rush through the tests and as soon as I do that, I lose my ability to perform the targets correctly. My god, is she a mind reader? How does she know this? ;-)

Lori also pointed out a major thing on Friday; I don’t speak until my natural exhale has completed, and I am getting all of my air from forcing left out the remaining air. Now, I’ve noticed that I will speak long past the point where common sense tells me to breath in. This is not uncommon for stutterers who block. The rational goes something like “I only block when starting, so if I can get it all out now, I won’t have to restart, and I won’t block”. But I had no idea this was my standard speaking protocol. So basically, even when I’m spontaneously fluent, as I’ve been this week, my speaking method is defective!

This is a major point of information … it’s a freak’n epiphany!

Lori is very observant.

PFSP-Day 4-Gentle Onset

2005-10-20T19:58:00.000-04:00

Last night, as part of our homework, which we receive an ample supply (3 hours per night), we read a paragraph without the stop watch to check our Stretched Syllable timing. I was pretty close, going over on a few, and truncating others.

The stretched syllable started with single syllable words, moving to multiple syllable words, small sentences, paragraphs, reading without a watch, and non-written dialog. Today we even did a 3 minute speech in class. You can’t say too much in 3 minutes with a 2 second syllable, but it was an interesting step in the transfer process.

Speaking of the transfer process, when I did the program in 1993, we first learned and mastered the targets, then started the transfer process with a baptism by fire approach. We would visit the Eaton’s Center walk around to shops and ask questions with our speech pathologist hanging about and listening. Now, the transfer process starts to build with baby steps from the second day, with a homework assignment of calling another student and practicing our targets together. We have since done some sort of transfer activity everyday since Tuesday.

We learnt the third target today; Gentle Onset. This is to prevent and/or deal effectively with blocks.

Basically, when we speak, we force air out of our lungs, through the vocal folds, restricting them in order to make the desired sound. When we block (me anyway), the focal folds close before the air starts to pass through. So rather than closing the vocal folds on the air, we are trying to force the air through the vocal folds … which is not as effective to say the least!

The more we block, the more force we use, causing the folds to squeeze together harder, making us block even worse. This is the exact opposite of what we should be doing, and possibly a good example of how trying not to stutter actually increases our stutter. Personally, blocking has been my biggest problem, and if I never tried to blast the air through, I would never have blocked as bad as I did in my early 20s … and I would probably be better off now.

Anyway, the point of the Gentle Onset target is to start the sound off very slowly at first, then increase the volume. This is equivalent to driving up a ramp, instead of into a wall.

There are 5 steps to the Gentle Onset target :
1. Take in a slow, comfortable, full breath in.
2. Start voicing gently (quietly).
3. Increase loudness gradually.
4. Reach full loudness.
5. Decrease loudness in the same gradual fashion.

If you charted, your vocal volume, you would have a bell curve, if done properly.

Because of the highly objective and testable nature of the Gentle Onset target, we can use mechanical tools to provide us with immediate feedback. So today, we were given a little box with a microphone and a light, when we do the target correctly, the light turns on and stays on as long as the volume is increasing.

However, this target is not as easy as you might expect it to be. In 1993, when I took the program, I remember getting very frustrated with the little box. Today started off well for me, but when I went into practice, I lost the ability to just ‘turn it on’ with every vowel sound, and quickly got frustrated again.

Tonight I have about 7 pages to read into it, and I just hope the box makes it back to the clinic tomorrow. ;-)

PFSP-Day 3-How speech is formed & Full Breath

2005-10-20T01:30:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday we spent a lot of time discussing how speech is formed. It really is amazing the miracle of it all, and how quickly we adjust our vocal tract to form new sounds. I’m not even going to speculate at how many vocal tract changes we make per second in a fluent conversation.

As we exhale, our vocal folds begin to open and close, resulting in varying vibrations according the frequency. The vocal folds open and close about 150 times per second with men, and slightly faster for women since their voice box is smaller. The vibrating vocal folds cause the surrounding air to vibrate, and it’s this vibrating air, which eventually makes it to the ears of our listeners.

The vibrating air, then enters our vocal tract where it is shaped into our final speech sounds. The vocal tract is essentially everything after your voice box. If you are pronouncing a vowel sound, your vocal tract will be largely unrestricted, but all consonants rely on vocal tract constrictions of one type or another, including stopping the speech completely for one class of sounds.

The chart below gets a little more specific with these sounds, breaking them up into 3 classes for consonants and 1 class for vowels.

Basic Class	Vowels	Consonants
Class	I	II	III	IV
Name	Vowels	Voiced	Fricatives	Plosives
Sounds	a,e,i,o,u	j,l,m,n,r, th+,v,w,y,z	ch,f,h,s,sh,th-	b,d,g,k,p,t
Vocal Tract	Open	Constricted	Constricted	Closed
Voiced	Yes	Yes	No	Some
Targets	Stretched Syllable Gentle Onset	Stretched Syllable

The Class II sounds are called Voiced Continuants, and are voiced, stretchable consonants. For me, they are what you think of when you think of consonants.

The Class III sounds are called Fricatives and are not voiced. These are sounds like ‘S’ or ‘Sh’. Personally, I did not even realized there were sounds in our vocabulary which did not involve our voice box. These sounds cannot be stretched need to be treated specially.

The Class IV sounds are called Plosives. These sounds are actually stopped, then released. Sounds like ‘P’ or ‘B’, these sounds have caused me enormous problems over my lifetime. The vocal tract on these sounds are actually closed versus constricted with other consonants or open as with vowels.

Plosives also have the unique characteristic of half being voiced and half not being voiced. Not only that, but if you add a voice to the voiceless Plosives, you will get a matching voiced Plosive! So :
‘P’ with a voice. becomes ‘B’
‘T’ with a voice. becomes ‘D’
‘G’ with a voice. becomes ‘K’

This kind of blew my mind.

I asked why the voiced and unvoiced plosives would be grouped together, and was told that for our purposes they use the same targets. I get the feeling the grouping can become a lot more granular, and we are only seeing an upper layer.

You may also notice that only 27 sounds are listed on the chart, where as there are approx. 45 sounds in the English language. Most of the remaining sounds are vowel combinations and are implicitly included.

As a point of interest; Toronto is the most multicultural city in the world, having 52% of the population from a very dispersed, non-UK, country of origin. So it only makes sense that non-English languages were discussed and sounds from relevant languages were classified. I’ll spare you my rant about how tolerance and fresh perspectives by a diversified culture drives economic prosperity.

As for Targets, on Wednesday, we continued with the Stretched Syllable target, moving on to un-written dialog.

We were then introduced to the Full Breath target. The full breath target is essentially diaphragm breathing. Basically, we can breath by extending our shoulders, rib cage, or diaphragm, but diaphragm breathing is the best, because it’s deeper and more natural. The only problem with this, is with our super fat conscious society, we’ve all been conditioned to suck in our gut all the time.

So for a little while we put our hands on our belly and our hands on our shoulders to watch our breath. What we were aiming for was a belly which would be extending and contracting regularly.

My breathing is definitely causing me problems. It is shallow and jerky. Although it’s such a simple thing, I believe this is a going to be a valuable target for me.

PFSP-Day 2-More Stretched Syllable

2005-10-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

This afternoon some things came up which I could not control, and as a result, I lost 5 hours of my day. Therefore, this will not be as in depth as I would like.

Basically today we continued our work on the Stretched Syllable target. We moved from multi-syllable words to sentences, and finally paragraphs. When you get into paragraphs, it’s easy to stop examining every syllable, thinking you can wing it effectively. But I believe this is where I had a problem when I took the therapy in 1993, this is something I quickly lost track of, and I started stretching the non-stretchables. Which, of course, causes problems. I mentioned this to the therapist today, and she said she believes, forgetting the first syllable to stretch may be the leading cause of remission.

Other things to touch on include :

When you are going to block on a vowel, you may be able to overcome it by very lightly, even inaudibly, pronouncing an ‘h’ in front of it.

Sometimes words like ‘IS’ is tricky to figure out what to stretch since S’s are not stretchable. However, in this case the ‘S’ is pronounced as a ‘Z’. ‘IS’ sounds more like ‘IZ’.

You can have multiple non-stretchable sounds in before the first stretchable sound. Take ‘STRETCH’ for example; both the ‘S’ & ‘T’ are non-stretchable before the first stretchable syllable ‘R’.

Self correct ASAP. And don’t go back to the start of the sentence, or even the start of the word. Just go back to the problem syllable, and correct it.

Errors in practice will create errors in the pattern. So accurate practice is important.

As part of our homework this evening, we had to practice the stretched syllable on 7, 4 word sentences, and read 2 short paragraphs (one over the phone). This took an excruciating 90 minutes, even though I had few problems!

PFSP-Day 1-Intro and Stretched Syllable

2005-10-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

Today was my first day of therapy. And the first thing I learnt, is that I live too far away. I got on the GO Train at 7:00am into Toronto, then I got on the subway, then I had to switch trains. I just caught every train as it was leaving, so I couldn’t have gotten there any faster, and I got to therapy at 8:35. 95 minutes in transit, one way! Tomorrow I have to catch the 6:30 train.

My therapy is at Speech Foundation of Ontario’s, Stuttering Centre. And as you might expect, today started off going around the room, talking about who we are, and our personal challenges with regards to stuttering. It is a small group with 6 available spots open, one therapist (Lori), and Dr. Kroll who runs the center.

Lori, the therapist introduced the program, and had us fill in questionnaires, while Dr. Kroll took each of us aside to video tape our current fluency. I was speaking clear as day .. which is quite aggravating. It’s not going to make much of a before / after comparison is it? I must say though, that I’ve never complained about fluency before.

We then discussed speech mechanics. There are 2 major sound groups; Vowels and Consonants. With vowels, the vocal tract is open as the sound moves from your vocal folds and out your mouth, while consonants restrict the flow in order to shape the sound. I have been familiar with vowels and consonants since elementary school, but I was not aware of this distinction, so I was pretty happy that I learnt something so fast.

Lori added that consonants are vowels with vocal restrictions applied to them. At least that was my understanding of what she said. For example; if you start off with the ‘A’ sound ‘ahhhhhhh’, then gently close you lips, it becomes ‘mmmm’. I could not think of an exception to the rule (not that she said it was a rule), and I would be interested in hearing if anybody thinks of one.

All together there are 2 major sound groups in human speech, 45 classes of sounds, and 8 targets to deal with these classes. What is a Target? A target is essentially a mechanical speech technique for dealing with a certain sound group. Non-stutterers do this naturally, it’s built into their motor activity.

We were then introduced to the first target; Stretched Syllable. The Stretched Syllable is essentially stretching each syllable in a word to 2 seconds, which is 10 times the usual 0.2 second syllables. So basically it’s talking in slow motion. This is necessary in order to isolate problem speech patterns and incorporate the new speaking techniques, also it allows the speaker to feel the speech mechanics.

The four rules of the Stretched Syllable target are :
1. Every syllable is stretched to 2 seconds
2. The first stretchable sound is 1 second
3. The remainder of the syllable is 1 second
4. Stop for a breath between syllables

The Stretched Syllable target is important because :
1. It reduces force
2. Provides time to feel the mechanics of speech
3. Provides the opportunity to control what is happening
4. Provides a foundation for the other targets

While practicing with the Stretched Syllable target, I will be monitoring :
1. Duration accuracy
2. Stability of sounds
3. That sounds are being completed

In order to implement this target properly, we are beginning to use our stop watches to measure duration accuracy.

So, how do you stretch a syllable? Well, you simply apply the above rules to a word.

Lets take the word ‘ON’ for example. ‘ON’ is a single word composed of 2 sounds; the ‘O’ and the ‘N’. So :
Rule 1. - 2 seconds for the entire syllable
Rule 2. – 1 second for the first stretchable sound; ‘O’.
Rule 3 – 1 second for the remainder of the syllable; ‘N’.
Rule 4 – Not applicable

Seconds per Sound	1	1
Word	O	N
Seconds per Syllable	2

Hear it

Don’t confuse letters with sounds. The above example says the sounds in ‘ON’ are ‘O’ & ‘N’, but really, those are just the letters representing the sounds. I was going to say it’s composed of ‘awhhhhh’ and ‘nnnnnnnnnn’, but I didn’t want to confuse the issue.

What about ‘MY’? it’s the same thing.
Rule 1. - 2 seconds for the entire syllable
Rule 2. – 1 second for the first stretchable sound; ‘M’.
Rule 3 – 1 second for the remainder of the syllable; ‘Y’.
Rule 4 – Not applicable

Seconds per Sound	1	1
Word	M	Y
Seconds per Syllable	2

Hear it

How about a 2 syllable word? How about ‘NORMAL’?
Rule 1. – Break up word into syllables (‘NOR’ and ‘MAL’). Stretch each for 2 seconds
‘NOR’ Rule 2. – 1 second for the first stretchable sound; ‘N’.
‘NOR’ Rule 3 – 1 second for the remainder of the syllable; ‘OR’.
‘MAL’ Rule 2. – 1 second for the first stretchable sound; ‘M’.
‘MAL’ Rule 3 – 1 second for the remainder of the syllable; ‘AL’.
Rule 4 – 1 second pause between each syllable.

Seconds per Sound	1	1		1	1
Word	N	OR		M	AL
Seconds per Syllable	2		1	2

Hear it

Well that’s great isn’t it? Simple rules without exceptions.

Not so fast. There are sounds which should not be stretched, like ‘S’, ‘F’, ‘H’, ‘SH’, ‘CH’, & ‘TH-‘. These are voiceless sounds, or air sounds. Basically, you don’t use your vocal chords when creating these sounds. You CAN stretch them, but if you do, you will run out of air and will not be able to continue. What is ‘Th-‘? This is the ‘TH’ sound without a voice (think), as apposed to the ‘TH’ sound with a voice (the).

There are a few more sounds which cannot be stretched, these include ‘P’, ‘B’, ‘D’, ‘T’, ‘K’, & ‘G’. I believe these sounds are called popping sounds and you can’t stretch them if you wanted to.

So how do you deal with these sounds? You don’t stretch them. Notice in rule 2, it says the first ‘stretchable’ sound is 1 syllable. So the first stretchable sound, may not always be the first.

Let’s look at the word ‘TIME’:
Rule 1. - 2 seconds for the entire syllable
Rule 2. – 1 second for the first stretchable sound; ‘I’.
Rule 3 – 1 second for the remainder of the syllable; ‘ME’.
Rule 4 – Not applicable

Seconds per Sound	-	1	1
Word	T	I	ME
Seconds per Syllable	2

Hear it

PS-If you like my blog, please pass along the URL to anybody you think might also be interested. Thanks.

Pre-Therapy Wrap-up

2005-10-16T14:54:00.000-04:00

Over the past month, I have been writing about the effects my speech problem has on my life. As a result, I have given more thought to it, than in the previous 30 years combined.

When I started the blog, I thought starting a month in advance would be too much, but I started anyway with the fall back plan of commenting on stuttering FAQ questions, if I ran out of topics. I don’t know if I give my self too little credit for not trusting I could come up with enough topics, or too much credit in believing I would stop talking when appropriate. ;-)

I covered most of what I planned to. I did want to do a “day in the life” post, but my life doesn’t currently support such a post. I am working from home on one project, and when disciplined enough, may not leave the house for days. This would make for a very boring post, so I left it out. This might make for a very interesting article if another Person With a Stutter (PWS) did it.

Over the years my problem has changed physically, emotionally, with derivative behaviors, and how others react. But it hasn’t been all bad; for example, I no longer feel the gut wrenching stress of knowing I will need to speak while I wait in line at the coffee shop.

And last summer, I gave a speech at my buddy’s wedding. All the non-stutterers chickened out, and there was certainly no obligation for me to say anything, but I felt an internal obligation and refused to allow my problem to override it. If you’re interested, while the speech was good, the delivery was painful, but everybody laughed at my jokes and I got a few very positive comments afterwards. However, my wife and daughter, got to hear a not so nice remark from a lady at their table who didn’t recognize them as my family.

The one thing I really wanted to talk about is the derivative behaviors. I started to talk about this a few times, but when I started looking for a name for them, I would get bogged down reading while searching for it. Then I would abandon it. I still don’t know the real name, “derivative behaviors” is something I made up.

Basically, for me anyway, the derivative behaviors are HUGE. For me, these behaviors include, have included, but are not limited to; grimacing, facial ticks, foot stomping, head jerking, extreme facial gestures, painful facial gestures, speaking after my air has run out, punching my leg to shock my way out of a block, and terror or suffering in my eyes while speaking.

The derivative behaviors occurred initially with the false belief they would help me get through a block, but at the end of the day, they are 10 times worse then the stutter itself. Perhaps the derivatives are something I should concentrate on.

Anyway, I start therapy tomorrow, and am planning to blog about each day. My current schedule indicates late evening will be my most common post time.

Wish me luck

John

BTW-If you like my blog, please pass along the URL to anybody you think might also be interested. While I’m spending time doing this without expectation, it is pointless if nobody is reading it. Thanks.

The dreaded telephone

2005-10-16T00:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I received a letter from the phone company. Inside, on one of their marketing brochures, there was a picture of a woman smiling gently while she spoke on the telephone. The woman seemed relaxed, enjoying her telephone conversation in a leisurely way. Granted, this was an ad with a model and she wasn’t really speaking to anybody. But, in my limited understanding of how non-sutterers speak on the phone, I don’t feel it was that far fetched.

I bet a non-stutterer has about as much anticipation, stress, exhaustion, and anguish with regards to the telephone, as I have putting on my socks.

For me, as every stutterer I’ve ever met, using the telephone has a very large amount of anticipation, stress, exhaustion, and anguish. For me, at certain times, the intensity of those emotions would be comparable to telling me a month in advance, that I would be stripped naked and tied to a float in the Christmas parade in one of the largest cities in North America. Then leaving me to dwell on it for the next month, knowing I have no escape.

They say communication is only 10% is verbal, with the other 90% being nonverbal. When it comes to the phone, I assume the non-verbal aspect is tonality and pitch, which I have almost no control over. And therein lies my problem, since I don’t believe most people can interpret my rendition of normal tonality and pitch. “Are you OK?” in the midst of a pretty mundane, factual, type of conversation occurs often enough to not be out of the ordinary. It may not be obvious here, but I believe I may have the emotionally charged and traumatic voice one might expect in a 911 call.

In order to avoid this, often I will go to great lengths to avoid the phone. Sometimes I’m better than others, but as mentioned in a previous entry, I have driven for 2.5 hours (return) in order to avoid a 15 minute phone conversation. Also, that 15 minute phone conversation could have easily been done in person with, another company, within a 10 minute drive from my office, if I was willing to spend another 5 minutes on the phone calling around. So really, I lost an entire day of work to avoid 5 minutes of embarrassment! However, while this example is extreme, I don’t think anything else on this page will be out of the ordinary for many stutterers.

On a related note; a couple months ago I changed my voice mail message, and it took over an hour! I’d block somewhere every time and have to rerecord. So I started practicing without the phone, then when I got it, I’d try to get it in the phone. But every time, I blocked. So then I just started repeating my message nonstop, so I’d have flow, but as soon as the “leave your message BEEP” would sound; I’d freeze. I could do it for 10 times in a row, but that BEEP stopped me cold every time.

This got me thinking, is this some kind of panic attack? Because it really looks like one to me. I mentioned the incident to my doctor one time thinking he would make the connection, but he just told me to record it next time, then replay my recording. And after a previous incident of an exploratory searching ended badly, I didn’t want to press it.

One funny thing that happened to me on the phone one time though; I was speaking to somebody who dropped something and told me to hold on. So I waited, and they didn’t say anything else, so I waited a bit more. I started to think that while they were picking up what ever it was, they got called away on something else, so I waited patiently. Finally the person said “John, are you still there?” Turns out they thought I was blocking! We were probably in deadlock for a good 10 minutes and I wasn’t even stuttering!

You know, different people are happy and content with different things. For most these things are usually pretty large, but for me, it’s simple. I would be pretty happy and content if I could speak on the phone without anticipation, stress, exhaustion, and anguish.

Great Quote

2005-10-15T10:23:00.000-04:00

Great quote from Another Path Toward Recovery by Russ Hicks where he is talking about the hope of his stutter eventually going away.

"Now many decades later, I still cling to that hope because I know dead people don't stutter!"

Dealing with the “normals”

2005-10-14T00:42:00.000-04:00

Over the years I’ve noticed peoples reaction to my speech problem change. When I was a kid, they mothered. As a teen, they accommodated. In my 20’s; they pitied. Now into my 30’s; they sneer.

During the past 5 years, I have seen a major decline in other’s reaction to my problem. Fast food restaurants and coffee shops are the biggest problem, where I am mocked and sneered at religiously. I usually dawn the attitude that I am the customer, and I expect to be treated like any other customer, and I’ll demand respect if I have to.

But, in one particular incident, I did something different. My young son had just fallen asleep in the car, so I was forced to go through the drive through at Taco Bell. Well I got up to the speaker and couldn’t talk and / or spoke so poorly that I was unintelligible.

Well the girl was obviously confused, and started becoming hostile toward me. I was there so long, all the cars in front of me were gone, so I just drove up to the window. Well, I got a few sneers and I think every person working there came to the window to see what kind of freak they were dealing with. This time, I was extremely embarrassed, needed the food, and didn’t have the energy to fight for respect.

So I decided to sweet talk her … I apologized.

I said “I’m sorry, I have a severe speech problem. Normally, I would never go through the drive through, but my son just fell asleep. I’m sorry I had to put you through that.” She was kind of stunned still, and just took my order.

“What am I doing?” I thought while waiting for my order “Would a blind man need to apologize to get respect? This is insane!”

When the girl came back, she had a warm smile for me. She gave me my food and was friendlier than anybody who has served me in a while. And when I got home and opened the bag, not only did they get my order right for once, but she actually threw in extra stuff!

“Wow, that was effective.” I thought.

I went back to that restaurant about 2 weeks later, inside this time. The same girl recognized me (everybody does), came up to the front counter, said hi, and when I left; again I found extra stuff in the bag!

At the time, I thought perhaps she just feel sorry for me. But I think it may be more than that. Perhaps the negativity I’ve been receiving over the past few years is a result of my assertiveness.

Here is what I think is happening; because my problem is not obvious, to an on looker,, a relatively uneventful interaction is expected. But, when I block, it catches them off guard. They were not prepared for such a huge deviation from the norm. The twitches, ticks, painful facial expression, and distorted tonality only increase the shock.

Now at this point growing up, I would act frustrated, dawn an embarrassed smile, possibly laugh, and roll my eyes with a shrug of the shoulders. This would indicate that there was a problem, I’m sorry I had to put them through that, but hey … I’m helpless.

However, into my 30’s I’ve taken the attitude that I should not have to apologize, and I refuse to play the apologetic charade any longer. . So the shock and fear isn’t relieved. Perhaps my refusal to apologize for such an outrageous defect is mistaken for arrogance, so the shock and fear morphs into some kind of self-righteous disgust, which helps them to feel better about themselves.

Who knows? I’m not a psychologist.

Perhaps the negative trend I’ve been experiencing, in how people react to me is a result of my unwillingness to defuse their initial shock.

Stopwatch & pre-therapy spontaneous fluency

2005-10-12T14:32:00.000-04:00

For my therapy, I need to purchase a non-digital stopwatch with a rotating second hand. Try to find one of those at Sears, they don’t sell them any more, nobody does. There is only one known place in the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) which sells them, Marathon Watch Company (no affiliation). I’m sure there are other places, but they are difficult to find.

I was on their website a while back (August 22nd), and found one I like. I like it, because it has the largest seconds (at least I think those are seconds). But the price wasn’t listed, so I requested information, only to find out that watch was not currently available. The sales person recommended a more conventional 60 second watch.

So I’ve been sitting on it for a while, because I prefer the other one, and time is so elusive for the non-urgent tasks. Also, I’m living the illusion that the one I bought 12 years ago will magically reappear.

Monday, I emailed the sales person, but haven’t received a reply yet, and was forced to make a phone call today.

You know what? I find as my speech therapy gets closer; my spontaneous fluency is increasing. The phone call was a breeze. Don’t get me wrong, I stuttered on about 15% or my words and had 2 or 3 blocks. I was also talking 100mph, trying to get it all out before I blocked. … But I felt a heck of a lot more fluent than normal!

It’s not just that one phone call either; I find I am becoming more fluent recently. Perhaps it’s the psychological effect of this blog … who knows.

Hopefully the sales person will call me back this afternoon, so I can go pick it up before Friday. I also have to figure out why my tape recorder isn’t recording, before I have to go out and buy a new one.

An exploratory search for a cure gone bad.

2005-10-11T10:15:00.000-04:00

Although I have taken the initiative to start a blog about my therapy, I really have not done too much research into stuttering. I didn’t know the Stuttering Homepage and National Stuttering Association even existed until I started my blog. Actually, I learnt more about the resources available on my first day blogging, than I had in the past 30 years.

I’m sure anybody who has found this blog, knows more about stuttering and stuttering resources than I do.

Also, contrary to the impression possibly given in this blog, my problem is not something I spend a whole lot of time thinking about. I have daily frustrations and don’t go a day without feeling the effects, but that’s usually it, I rarely dwell on it. The past month of this blog is mostly a summation of it’s effects on my life.

However, I will occasionally look into something off the beaten path, in a vain attempt to obtain spontaneous fluency. I already mentioned the hypnotherapy in my previous post, this caused me to lose 1 hour of my time and $75. No big deal. But once I pondered if this could just be the side affects of a mild form of another more serious illness and the effects of this questioning may come back to kick me in the behind for the rest of my life. What is this ‘more serious illness’? Don’t let your imagination get carried away, it’s nothing really bad, and besides, I don’t have it.

Once I pondered; Could it be that I have a mild form of this illness, which originally brought on my speech problem? And due to the mismanagement of it and my speech as a side effect; my problem has snowballed into it’s current state? If I have this illness, and it was brought under control, would my speech problem go away?

OMG!!!!!!! It would be like winning the lottery!!!!!! :-D

So I explained my theory to my doctor, who told me I did not have this illness, but he would send me to a neurologist to rule it out if I wanted to. I told him yes, and he arranged an appointment for 8 months down the road. I scheduled it on my calendar, and pretty much forgot about it.

So about 2 months before my appointment with the neurologist, I become aware of the risk of being self employed without disability insurance. So an insurance broker came by to sell me some. I signed over my medical records when I applied. No big deal right?

Well, the insurance company saw I had a neurologist appointment coming up for diagnosis of this illness, and refused to sell me the insurance until a doctor ruled it out. Which was understandable.

When I finally saw the neurologist, I wasn’t even interested in pursuing this any farther … it was a long shot from the get go, and now it was starting to adversely affect me. But now that the ball was rolling, it wasn’t going to stop.

The neurologist told me he didn’t think I had any problems, but he would send me for an MRI, and to this specialist and that specialist. Eventually, after about a year of this, I got fed up with the endless referrals to every specialist on the planet.

When I refused to go to any more specialists to find out about an illness nobody even thought I had, the insurance company refused to sell me the insurance. Even though the MRI had eliminated any risk of me having any unknown problems in my head … like a tumour.

Now, this entire episode resides in a shared insurance industry database. No insurance company will ever sell me disability insurance and I will be unprotected if anything ever happens.

Hence the dangers of self-diagnosis and searching for a long shot cure.

Past Therapy

2005-10-10T10:44:00.000-04:00

My therapy started in elementary school. I don’t remember the first time, but out of the blue, I started getting called to the principal’s office over the intercom. I was about 7 at the time and getting called to the principal’s office sent shivers down my spine. Once at the office I met a nice lady there who took me to a small room that I didn’t even know existed, it may have been a converted broom closet. By the way; every speech therapist I’ve ever had has been an exceptionally nice lady. I had a few different therapists, but the one I remember the most was Ms. Mosher.

Ms. Mosher would have me read a list of words and take home lists of words to practice. I’ve got to say, I don’t remember having this benefit me in any way. A classmate was having the same therapy, and he didn’t feel that it benefited him either. We both felt that we were doing nothing more than practicing our stutter.

I don’t remember any pattern to it, but it seemed to start randomly and end randomly. It might last weeks or months, then stop. Then the next year it would start again. I really didn’t like it, and when it stopped, I was usually pretty relieved. This continued through elementary school until about grade 5.

Then in high school out of the blue, I was once again getting summoned to the office, where Ms. Mosher would be waiting for me. This went on for a little bit then stopped. I really didn’t feel I was benefiting from it, and may have told her that. I don’t remember too much about it.

Then in my early 20’s, my blocks got so bad, I could not talk at all. At one point I went to a hypnotherapist. The hypnotherapist went to work putting me under, but he was under the mistaken impression my problem was caused by a low self esteem and being easily intimidated.

Once the hypnotherapist put under, he suggested I would speak as naturally as I would speaking to a good friend. I told him I stutter with good friends. He said ok, I would speak as naturally as I would speaking to a family member. I told him I stutter with family members. Then I would speak as naturally as I would speaking to a baby. Same thing. Dog? Nope. Talking to your self? Nope. .. still stutter. Then he just went on trying to wing it so I wouldn’t ask for my $75 back. An hour later, I was out $75 and didn’t ask for it back because it was not worth trying to get through the block.

A few months later, I asked my doctor if he could do anything, he sent me to a neurologist and more speech therapy. Again the speech therapy showed no results, and the neurologist put me on a few different drugs. I have a personal bias against taking any kind of medication, which combined with the cost and lack of tangible results, caused me to stop going.

While in therapy, I volunteered for some research testing for auditory feedback combinations. I went in every Saturday morning for 4 or 5 months, they stuck me in a sound proof booth, wired me up and had me speak. They would alter the delay and distortion of my voice coming back to me, then count the fluent and non-fluent words. After each run they asked me if I felt more fluent, and I believe I said no every time.

They also video taped it. I will try to get a video tape of these tests to put up on this blog. This may prove difficult since I don’t even remember the name of the place where I did it or any names of the people involved..

When I moved, my therapist in Halifax referred me to a therapist in Toronto. I thought it was more of the same, but when I did my assessment, I was pleasantly surprised when she told be about the Precision Fluency Shaping Program (PFSP).

I did the PFSP therapy jam packed into 3 weeks of hard work, and saw tangible, non-subjective results. For the first time ever, I saw results!

My therapy starts in 1 week. So in 4 weeks / 1 month, I will be fluent. And this time I will not stumble bringing it into the real world.

This is very exciting.

When did I start letting this run my life?

2005-10-07T15:57:00.000-04:00

For anybody who does not know, stuttering can cause emotional trauma. Is trauma too strong a word? How about pain? Stuttering can cause emotional pain.

When I call a business to place an order or make an appointment, and they mock my problem and/or hang up; it aggravates me.

When I answer a phone call from an uninvited telemarketer or friend of my daughters, who snickers and mocks me, it bothers me.

When a car pulls up beside me asking for directions, only to quickly lock the doors & take off when I block; I feel like a freak.

When somebody calls my cell phone and I am in line at the bank/coffee shop/store/etc.., and I stutter and everybody turns around and stares at me; I’m embarrassed.

When I call a wrong number, and hang up on the first ring, then the person calls back demanding to know who I am. Then threatens to call the police when I stutter; I feel like a lunatic.

When a wrong number calls me, then asks me what my problem is when they don’t like how I sound, I feel angry.

When a potential employer/client calls and hangs up, I feel like a loser.

When I speak in public, and the 3 year old in front of me stares at me with a look of disgust, I resent him for his honesty.

When I go for a walk at night and pass somebody who offers a friendly “hi”, only to jump back in terror when I block, I feel like I’m considered a psychopath.

When I attempt to tell a joke only to lose my listener because I always mess up the punch line, I want to throw up my hands in despair.

When people, I am with, are embarrassed to be with me, I feel rejected.

When the front line hospital workers in emergency, mistake me for having a stroke, I feel even the educated misunderstand me.

When the girl cutting my hair is scared when I tell her what to do, I feel like a fiend.

When it takes me over an hour to change my voice mail message, I feel frustrated.

When I am so engrossed in attempting to speak, that I don’t even notice what is going on around me; I feel like an idiot.

When a stranger starts a conversation with me, not caring about my problem, but I can’t hold up my end because it’s been so long since I’ve had a conversation like this; I feel like a social imbecile.

When somebody holds the door open for me, and I stutter while thanking them and they look at me in disgusted confusion, I feel like scum. But when I don’t thank them, I feel arrogant.

… and on … and on … and on …

Are you still with me? That was a long list. ;-)

Most of the above, I can deal with, but what bothers me the most is that people are starting become scared of me. I don’t know when this started happening, but it’s gotten worse. I may be doing something else that I don’t even realize, but I would like to be able to fix this. It could be caused by my facial expressions & voice, which has become distorted in an effort to break through my blocks.

As human beings, when we feel pain, we will avoid the pain causing activity. It’s a survival tool and part of our psychological make up. It helps to protect us.

The problem is, that gradually, I have taken on some pretty abnormal behavior, such as :

Not calling around to source competitive pricing.
Not answering the telephone. Even when looking for a job … especially when looking for a job.
Not offering assistance to people who need it. Including the lost or blind.
Not calling people who I need to call.
Avoiding eye contact with strangers, because they might be friendly and say hi.
Not going to non-self-serve stores.
Not giving out my phone number on my professional website.
Avoiding any female stranger in a non-busy place (like a parking lot).
Not going anywhere that I need reservations.
Not taking advantage of paid for resources at a high priced resort.
Not ordering the food I want.
Replacing the right word with one that I can say. Some times I do this even when it doesn’t fit … like I’m making up my own language. ;-)

The most I’ve ever gone out of my way was for car insurance. In 1997, I got my first car in Ontario, and went shopping for insurance. Now of course I did not want to use the phone, so I looked on the internet. The only broker I could find in the Greater Toronto Area, was in the nearby city of Hamilton. Since they were on the internet, I thought I could handle it all by their website, mail, and/or email … I was wrong. The form I filled out thinking that would be it, was only a contact request, they wanted to speak to me on the phone. They probably suspected that I was running some kind of scam since there are brokers closer to my home in Toronto. So instead of speaking to them on the phone, I took the day off work and drove all the way to Hamilton (approx.75 minutes each way not including traffic).

My insurance was hardly a deal, it cost me $2,500.00/yr on a $900 car. I have not been happy with their service, and have been their client from 1997 up until about 6 months ago (9 years and $23,000 later). I only switched because my wife called around and got me a price of less than half of what they were charging me.

Over the past 9 years, I have made the journey to Hamilton any time that a conversation was necessary and I wasn’t feeling up to using the phone.

When exactly did I unconsciously decide to allow my problem to run my life? When did I decide to allow my fear become the basis of decisions?

I don’t know, but with increasing frequency, I am allowing my decisions to be determined by my speech problem, or specifically the fear of the emotional pain. And these decisions have begun to turn me into a negative, anti-social outcast.

This was illuminated the other day when I went to a stuttering support group. When I was originally invited, I didn’t plan to go, but did, thinking I could at least flog my blog. The reason I don’t go to support group meetings, is because I always find there is at least one person, who dominates the group with stories of how their life sucks because of their problem.

Well the other day, it was me.

During my long drive home, I had time to reflect on how this could have happened. I wasn’t always like this. I used to love people and go out of my way to be with people. I used to be very positive and see the silver lining on the darkest cloud. Insults, giggles, sneers, and snide remarks would just slide off my back without a second thought. It would be considered more of a reflection of my antagonist than myself.

I guess the pain and fear just started chipping away at my confidence and self respect for so long, and before I realized it, I respected their comments. And it’s gotten me to an emotional state where the fear runs my life.

As promised the fishing picture

2005-10-06T11:26:00.000-04:00

This picture is in regards to a previous post .. as promised. If you scroll down far enough, you will find the explaination of it's relevance ... but I will repost it here to save you the time.

From Effects upon my family roles

"The fact that fluency is random only confused them more. When I was about 8 or 9, I caught my first fish. Because fresh water fishing in the area I come from doesn’t yield a lot of fish, combined with the fact that I suck at fishing; I had been fishing for years without catching anything. So when I finally caught my first fish, I ran up the hill to my parents screaming that I caught a fish. They congratulated me, set me up for a picture, the small fish turned so the narrowest side was facing the camera, and we got a picture of me holding up what looks like a baited fishing rod with a big grin on my face. (I’ll try to get a copy posted before the blog is over)"

"This fishing story is relevant because I spoke fluently between the time I caught the fish, and the time the picture was taken. The fluency was logically determined to be proof that I didn’t really have a problem at all and that I had better stop it immediately."

WARNING-Pre-therapy posts may be negative.

2005-10-04T22:17:00.000-04:00

It has been mentioned that my blog is predominantly negative. Actually, I have noticed this, and was planning on mentioning it in a post. But, since I didn’t know where to fit it in, I’ve been sitting on it for a while.

At first when I noticed this, I thought about posting more positive comments. But after thinking about it, the first part of my blog is how stuttering has effected my life. And perhaps I’m being overly pessimistic, but I really don’t feel it has affected my life in a very pleasant way.

Also, when I started the blog, I really did not consider who my target audience would be. My goal with the pre-therapy phase of the blog, was to explain my problem to a non-stutterer, who may not realize just how much such a simple problem can limit me. Had I realized the obvious, that only other stutterers and speech therapists would have any interest in finding and reading a blog about speech therapy, I don’t think I would have bothered with the pre-therapy phase. I mean the information is hardly new. I’m actually kind of embarrassed.

I do plan to keep up the pre-therapy part of the blog, and it may stay relatively negative until therapy begins. Once therapy begins on October 17th, I expect the blog will become predominantly positive.

Thanks for your patience.

Precision Fluency Shaping Program (PFSP)

2005-10-04T00:42:00.000-04:00

The Precision Fluency Shaping Program (PFSP) is a full time, 3 week, intensive speech therapy program. The different classes of speech sounds are introduced, a set of techniques, and which to use for each class of sound is taught. When I learn the techniques, I will start speaking at 2 seconds per syllable to integrate the targets, then slowly get faster in measured intervals (2 seconds, 1 second, half second, slow-normal). By the end of the program; I will be speaking in a slow voice using the appropriate targets when necessary.

Again, I want to point out that I AM NOT A SPEECH THERAPIST and am not teaching anything in this blog. All information presented is based on my understanding, limited understanding, and/or possible misunderstanding of the subject. Please do your own research.

This may shock some people, but I have already gone through the program in 1993. Now you may ask; why take it again since it obviously did not work? Well that’s a good question albeit a loaded one. First of all it did work … sort of, when I finished the program in March of 1993, I came out knowing my targets, and able to speak with controlled fluency.

What is controlled fluency? Controlled fluency is using you controlled speech techniques to speak without stuttering. You are always conscious about the way you speak and do not use your speech motor skill.

At the other end of the spectrum is spontaneous fluency. Spontaneous fluency is when you speak fluently without thinking about it. This is how the rest of the world speaks. It’s a motor skill, like maintaining your balance.

Here is the problem; not only was I able to speak with controlled fluency but I was also spontaneously fluent. The program was too successful! So at the end of the day, I was left with a crutch (my targets), which I didn’t need.

Now there is a cost to using and maintaining controlled speech. The costs are; getting up early to practice every morning for the rest of your life, and speaking slower than you would normally speak with a tonality, which seems dull and drab to your listeners. Some listeners find this annoying and will point it out to you.

What invariably happened with me, is that I would use my controlled speech until I got a couple sneers, either by themselves or with comments like ‘Why are you speaking like that?’. I would quickly revert back to my spontaneous fluency, which was working like a charm thanks to the program. ‘Just for now’ I’d tell myself.

Then eventually I would be extremely tired and convince myself that I could squeeze my practice in even if I woke up later. But when I got up, I couldn’t fit it in … but it’s just one day … any body who has ever stopped going to the gym can probably figure out the rest.

Ultimately the spontaneous fluency came to an end, and when I grabbed for my trusty targets, they were gone. And when I went to practice them again, I wasn’t practicing them properly anymore.

So the program did not fail me the first time, it was me that failed the program. I take full responsibility for it. I had controlled fluency when I left, but was seduced by the delusion of spontaneous fluency. Exactly what my therapist warned me about.

One thing I plan to do differently this time is to practice adding emotion to my speech on top of my regular practice. The one big problem I had last time transferring my new skills into the real world was the monotonous tonality problem. I was actually considering hiring a voice coach to assist me with that, but thought I should ask my therapist first. She told me not to … I’m glad I asked.

I’ve heard that fluency should not be my goal. I disagree, while spontaneous fluency is not my goal, controlled fluency is. Quantifiable goals include; putting my phone number on my website, demonstrating a software product in front of a large group of people, and joining Toast Masters, I’m going to a meeting Wednesday. I would love to end this blog with a video of me doing a demo in front of a large audience.

My therapy is a huge investment of time, money, lost income, and effort. It will be an up hill climb for the rest of my life. I’ve made the commitment to control my problem, and am sure of its eventual success.

Wish me luck.

Wendell Johnson's "Monster Study"

2005-09-30T15:08:00.000-04:00

I just found this article on a University of Iowa stuttering experiment performed on orphans in the 1930s.

I've never heard of this before, but kids were apparently taken from the state orphanage and entered into this experiment where they were "badgered and harangued" by researchers hoping to make them stutter. Some became chronic stutterers and/or developed psychological issues.

The subjects didn't find out about it until they were seniors and are now trying to sue. The supreme court just ruled 4-3 against immunity for the state.

Four things immediately spring to mind:
1. How can the means possibly justify the ends when people’s lives are at state?
2. Parents are the only people who will keep their kids safe.
3. Who were the 3 Justices who felt the victims should not be allowed to sue?
4. And finally .. you guessed it ... What an a$$hole!

The Washington Post article is at : Court Keeps Stuttering Study Lawsuit Alive

But wait, this runs completely contrary to my personal experience with speech pathologists. I've never met one who has not come across as an extremely caring individual. And hey, lets face it, speech therapy is not exactly the kind of job you end up in by accident because you couldn't get a "real" job. Personally I feel a strong interest in helping stutters is necessary.

So after a my initial anger, I did a bit more reading and found that Wendell Johnson stuttered himself. Well now ... that doesn't make sense. I can't imagine anybody with this problem wishing it on somebody else.

Was this article biased because the writer did not do adequate research? Or was there an agenda to cause an emotional response to sell papers? Or was it true and the study a misguided effort? Or was he really an a$$****?

I found this article, which appears to indicate that it was a misguided effort and possibly a study which every participant regretted. The Stuttering Doctor's 'Monster Study'

At the end of the day, it's just a tragic shame!

Here are a couple other search links you start your own research from.

University of Iowa website search : Search

Google : Search

Career limitations

2005-09-30T02:34:00.000-04:00

Sorry it took me so long to write my first post this week. I’m working hard to meet a deadline, which just happens to be the Friday before my therapy starts. This is great, as it will allow me to focus on my therapy after the deadline.

Speaking of work, stuttering has greatly affected my career. It has limited my career choices, prospective employers, and responsibilities I am able to perform effectively.

Programming was not my first career choice and it isn’t my passion. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it and think I am pretty good at it, but I don’t lust after it, like I do with other passions. More on that later.

My first career choice was plumbing, which is mentioned mostly for accuracy. I graduated community college in 1990, at the end of a boom cycle and beginning of a recession. Due to a lack of work in my trade, I eventually returned to the part time factory job I had as a teenager and my speech slid into total disfluency.

At this point I was in my early 20s, and when I opened my mouth, I would block and my mouth would stay open as long as I tried to push the words out. Since I was pretty stubborn, this was usually for very long stretches of time.

At this point in my very limited career, my speech didn’t hamper me too much. There were managers in the factory I was working at who, I believe, considered me pathetic and wouldn’t give me any work. I didn’t consider this a discriminating action based on my speech problem, but more of a personal incompatibility … based on my speech problem. Fortunately, there were enough managers who considered it irrelevant.

I really felt the limitation when I discovered the securities markets … my passion. To make a long story short; an initial nudge from a friend, caused a curiosity to snowball into an obsession with me consuming well over 100 books within the next year. I could easily recite the price history of about 50 currencies and commodities going back 30 years, and the Dow Jones Industrial Index back to 1890.

I knew what I wanted to do with my life and knew I would be good at it.

But this was before the internet, and a job in the securities markets meant a full day on the telephone. This is the equivalent of taking a passionate marathon runner and cutting his legs off after a year of training and just before the race. It just is not realistic.

There was one long shot; I could move to Chicago, buy a seat for US$350,000 on the CBOT or CME … wait … no … I could lease a seat for US$3,500/month, put up the minimum US$50,000 into my trading account and hope I could trade primarily with the hand signals. All this plus basic living costs while I got off the ground.

As if that isn’t difficult enough; I would need to pass a speech test to get access to the trading floor! That’s right; in an open outcry market, you need to pass a speech test before they will allow you to trade.

Would it have been different if the internet was available then? Would I have been able to get into my chosen career? It’s hard to say .. at first glance is sounds like I could have, but the reality of it is, with all the information and mis-information, I could have easily been led astray.

I have since restrained my passion and locked it away into the recesses of my mind. When I try to access it as a part time hobby, it quickly consumes my mind and starts to interfere with concentrating on my day job as a software developer.

So how did I get into programming? Why did I chose programming?

Well I chose programming because; a) the demand situation was strong which was important to me after my stalled plumbing career. And b) I was under the impression programmers sat in front of their computers all day long, and never need to utter a single word!

But the choice of programming has not limited the ability for my speech to interfere with my career. I can’t get interviews because once somebody hears me on the telephone it’s game over. Head hunters call and hang up when they hear me. I’ve called a few back in a non-confrontational way, and they talk to me until they can safely get me off the phone. Some head-hunters are honest and tell me they cannot send me to their clients with my telephone mannerisms … this may sound bad, but these are the only recruiters I have liked so far.

One time a recruiter called and spoke to my wife, since I was out. She was practically begging my wife for me to call because she needed somebody sooo badly. I came in right after she got off the phone. My wife was pretty excited about it, but I knew what was going to happen. When I called back the recruiter told me the job was filled. I basically said “Are you telling me, all the interview stages have been completed, a candidate was selected, an offer was made, and the offer accepted … all within the last 5 minutes?” She said “Yes”.

In 11 years, in the hottest career around, recruiters have sent me on 2 interviews. Both of these interviews were arranged via email, where the recruiter and I never spoke. I’m the black plague for recruiters.

I can kind of understand their dilema though; the relationship with their client is based on the relationship the client has with the consultant. If the client doesn’t like or feels uncomfortable with the consultant, the recruiter will lose not only that contract, but possibly other contracts existing or future. The recruiter must be very sensitive to this, and also needs to account for any misgivings or character flaws the client has. For example; if a recruiter sends me on a contract where the manager has a self esteem issue, he may feel, having me look like a fool in front of his superiors, adversely reflects on him.

For what it's worth, I've pretty much given up looking for a job. Personally, for me, it just seems so random, with no real cause-effect relationship. I feel my time would be better spent looking for more clients of my own. By the way, if you need a web application or eform system, a link to my professional page is on the side bar.

There are other problems in programming that I have trouble getting around. Despite the stereotypes, programmers do have to talk to people, some times on the phone. You need to handle technical support for your software, speak to clients (or you companies clients) about requirements, etc …

Other problems I have include the fact that some people just don’t understand me. Even when I’m talking face to face. And when there is a misunderstanding on my part, or any kind of ambiguity, I sometimes do not make the effort to resolve it that I should.

Don’t get me wrong, my speech isn’t my only career problem. I am human and have personal weaknesses and challenges. But the biggest career barrier I have is my speech.

Is stuttering a disability?

2005-09-22T20:39:00.000-04:00

Am I disabled?

Depends who you talk to. If you ask me, it will depend a lot on my mood. Ask me after I go 6 months without a job interview, because I can’t get past the initial phone call, then I may answer “Yes”. But ask me after I’ve been working for a year, and I would never consider myself disabled.

Personally, when I think of somebody with a disability, I think of a wheelchair, crutches, blindness, etc…. I don’t feel that bad off, and even if I did; I could never openly confess it without being ridiculed by everyone in listening distance.

I mean; I’ve got all 5 senses don’t I? I can See, Hear, Smell, Taste, and Touch. I don’t look disabled to anybody walking down the street. I’m mentally capable of finishing a book without pictures. In fact; I’m pretty much normal until I open my mouth.

How could I possibly insinuate people with “real” disabilities, are no worse off than myself?

How can I feel comfortable with this?

During my life, the occasional person would imply; my speech problem is a disability. I’ve always rebuffed this notion and never gave it much credibility. There have been sporadic HR follow up forms, after applying for a job, asking me all the illegal questions, like if I was a single mother, disabled, or a minority. If I was hungry enough for the job, then I might check off the disability box hoping Affirmative Action would give me an advantage.

It wasn’t until last summer, when I had been on unemployment for a couple months, and they kept insisting that I go to a disabilities program. At first I refused, but it’s not always wise to keep refusing somebody giving you money, so eventually, I went. I felt like a fraud going without a “real” disability. To my surprise; I had the most obvious disability in the group!

It was then, I started to give the notion of having a disability serious consideration. In retrospect, it may sound foolish to anybody reading this, that I didn’t consider it a disability … I mean; I/it definitely fit the definition:
Disabled
Disability

Up until that point, I felt it was just a quirk, like being left-handed. But the more I started to accept the idea, that it “is” a disability, the better I felt! Maybe I’m not a loser who can’t find a job, or work anywhere coworkers expect ringing telephones to be answered! Maybe I’m doing damn good being employed 75% of the time!

Holy smokes! What a concept! I’m NOT a loser … how about that …

But wait! Am I taking the weakling approach? Am I not accepting responsibility for my life? Am I rejecting blame for events where a half-hearted effort would pull me through? Am I using “Disability” as a crutch?

Honestly, I still haven’t gotten my head around it.

Speaking of disabilities; there have been a few times where somebody might say; “Well at least you don’t have a serious disability .. you’re not in a wheelchair or anything”. And they would be taken back when I didn’t immediately agree. They would go on a rant about how bad it would be, then I’d say something like “Well think about it, if I had that instead, I could speak on the telephone and get a job doing what I love .. I might be more successful and probably happier.”

Would I be trade my speech problem in for another disability if it were possible? No. But it’s not the immediate “Heck NO!” that you might expect … the notion is pondered first.

Effects upon my family roles

2005-09-19T02:45:00.000-04:00

My roles with my family and how my speech problem has effected it :

Husband

The fact that I am married with a family amazes me … even now.

My wife can walk away from this problem at any time, but she’s been a willing participant for the past 12 years. She doesn’t need to put up with my procrastinating and/or neglect of anything requiring a phone call. She doesn’t need to put up with embarrassing moments in public or thoughts her friends plausibly have that she has a defective husband. I don’t know if I could be as noble as her.

Growing up, I always wondered if I would ever / could ever get past this in a relationship situation. I mean really; who would volunteer for such a role? And would I want to be with anybody who would have me? Or I would end up a bachelor into my old age because I couldn’t get a date? Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with bachelorhood, and there are times I miss the solitude. But I’ve got to hand it to my wife, she’s a strong woman.

Father

Fatherhood is another role I couldn’t imagine myself in. How can I be a good role model for my kids? If they wander into immediate danger, will I be able to call out to warn them? Will I be able to guide them when they need it? When they realize there is something wrong with me, what will they think? Will they be embarrassed? Will their friends mock them? Will parents not want their kids at my house playing my kids because they think I’m a freak?

Many of these questions have already been answered with my 16 year old step daughter. I’m sure she’s embarrassed of me since she’s a teen and really; what teen isn’t embarrassed of their parents? But I don’t know if she’s embarrassed of my speech problem. I do know, she has been mocked by her friends and peer group, but if it embarrassed her, she’s never given any indication.

My speech problem has interfered a bit with my 3 year old son. One thing that really bothers me is reading to him. I am a big fan of education, not formal education per se, but seeking answers to your questions, assimilating knowledge, understanding the implications, and asking new questions. To me, the most reliable path to an educated mind is via books. Books are focused, specialized, and accurate (for the most part).

So obviously I want my son to have a good association with learning and books … before our formal education system, his peers, and the entertainment industry get a hold of him. However, when I read to him, it’s agonizing! When I finish; I’m exhausted and my chest hurts. I’ve neglected it in the past because of this, and he’s gone from asking me to read him books to asking me to turn the TV on. I’ve recently started reading to him again even if it is agonizing.

Sometimes I will block in front of other kids and they will stare it me in horror and disgust … seriously … I’m not exaggerating at all. So far, my son has not witnessed their reaction to me .. hopefully he never will.

Another way my speech problem has limited me with my 3 year old son is that I sometimes can’t tell him to stop doing things right away. He needs immediate feedback, and he’s not getting it from me.

Fortunately (unfortunately?), fathering is so bloody difficult that my stutter is trivial. ;-)

Son

My parents, as most people really didn’t understand my speech problem and as you would expect they were frustrated by it.

The fact that fluency is random only confused them more. When I was about 8 or 9, I caught my first fish. Because fresh water fishing in the area I come from doesn’t yield a lot of fish, combined with the fact that I suck at fishing; I had been fishing for years without catching anything. So when I finally caught my first fish, I ran up the hill to my parents screaming that I caught a fish. They congratulated me, set me up for a picture, the small fish turned so the narrowest side was facing the camera, and we got a picture of me holding up what looks like a baited fishing rod with a big grin on my face. (I’ll try to get a copy posted before the blog is over)

This fishing story is relevant because I spoke fluently between the time I caught the fish, and the time the picture was taken. The fluency was logically determined to be proof that I didn’t really have a problem at all and that I had better stop it immediately.

This logic is not that unusual and is repeated constantly. Here are a couple Usenet conversations regarding a Howard Stern regular :
JOHN THE STUTTERER DOESN'T STUTTER!
John The Stutterer Doesn't

When I was about 13, my mother sat down with me, and we had a long talk. She expressed their concerns that stuttering as an adult could ruin my life. Then she tried to bribe me and told me that if I would stop stuttering until the end of the school year, she would buy me a 10 speed bike. I was pretty excited about the bribe and decided to stop stuttering. My excitement eventually led to disappointment, and the bribe was never mentioned again.

If she doesn’t remember the deadline, I will try to get my 10 speed upon my PFSP completion. ;-)

My father had a very difficult time dealing with it, especially based on the logical proof that I did not need to stutter as discussed in the fishing example. Among other things the fact that nobody would ever hire somebody who couldn’t talk was constantly brought up. I was constantly told all the harsh things employers would say regarding hiring me, and most people wouldn’t even want to work with me. He wasn’t really too far off. In certain situations he was dead on accurate in what he said … I mean, I’m not (usually) spoken to as harshly as he indicated, but 30 years of discrimination laws probably has more to do with rephrasing it than anything else.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents are good people, but this has been confusing and frustrating for them.

Brother

To the best of my knowledge, my speech problem with regards to my sisters has been minimal. Even in high school when peer groups mean the most and will mock you for anything; because of my ability to pretty much hide my problem throughout high school I don’t believe they have ever been affected by it.

I also cannot remember any specific speech related event involving my sisters.

Grandson

I’ve always been very close to my Grandmother, closer than anybody else. After I moved to Toronto, even with my speech problem and telephone avoidance, I would call her a few times a month. In 2000, she had an accident and ended up in the hospital for about a month and finally in a nursing home. I attempted to call her in the hospital, but because of her state, difficulty getting through switchboard with my speech, etc… I didn’t feel my phone calls were helpful and may have even caused her stress. I finally stopped calling her.

Similarly with my Grandfather, after he went to a home, I found communication with him difficult.

Nephew

Once I called my Aunt out of the blue without having spoken to her for years. I was stuttering like a maniac, and she was patient trying to figure out what I wanted. Finally I said her name … well that changed the tone completely … it scared the heck out of her. She demanded to know who I was and what I wanted, and I couldn’t get anything else out! The longer I blocked, the worse she was getting! Finally, I said who I was, and it was fine, but the beginning of the conversation was high stress.

I find it very difficult to call Aunts & Uncles, even when the situation warrants it.

Observation

I don’t feel that I communicate effectively especially over the phone. They say 90% of communication is non verbal, which sounds good for me, but the 90% of communication over the phone is tonality. Something, I have almost no control over and nobody can interpret.

An observation I have just made while thinking about Grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles; my ability to communicate effectively with people seems to be directly related to the frequency in which we speak. In other words, when I don't see somebody for a while, communication becomes increasingly more difficult.

Transcript – Introduction video

2005-09-12T23:08:00.000-04:00

Hi,

I have recorded and posted a short video of me talking about how my stutter has evolved over my lifetime. It is available at
http://www.johnmacintyre.ca/putt.asp#intro

I've posted the transcript below.

In the video I discuss how "What's your name?" is a dreaded question by people with speech problems. The reason the name question is so potent, is because with almost anything else, you can shrug, to say “I don’t know” … but you can’t exactly do that with your name now can you. ;-)

The video is kind of embarrassing. It's been a while since I've seem myself on video and I forgot how bad I am. I wasn't even sure if I should post it, but I figure it isn't exactly a secret, I mean the staff at Tim Horton's sees this from me every single day.

Some of the things I reveal in this blog will be personal and embarrassing by their very nature. But I will attempt to post as much as is relevant in order to provide a complete before and after image of my problem.

Regards,
John MacIntyre

Hi, I am John MacIntyre

Welcome to Pebbles Under The Tongue.

A bit of a caveat; I am not a speech therapist, and I know almost nothing about speech therapy. … absolutely nothing about speech therapy. All I know is about my experiences and what I am going to learn in therapy.

I started stuttering at about the age of 7, I had a normal stutter. I had a b-b-b-bob sort of stutter. It developed at about the age of 7 years old.

My understanding is that at about 7 years old, speech becomes a motor skill. And my understanding about my problem is not that I have a nervous problem, or I am easily intimidated, or anything of that manner. I just have a defective motor skill.

So I started at about the age of 7, I tried to over come it by stomping my feet, or punching my leg in order to provide a distraction. It worked for a very limited time .. then after that, I was just bruising my leg, and stomping my feet for no reason. I’ve developed a lot of things like that in order to compensate for my speech problem. But none of them work, obviously, and they just wind up making me look kind of foolish.

When I became a teenager, I stopped stuttering and started blocking. It’s simply .. if you block, your voice box closes before any air passes through it and you end up trying to force air through. And the hard you try to force it, the more you block. So it’s a never ending cycle. I wounded up holding my breath, blocking, until I almost … I turned purple and almost passed out because I wasn’t breathing. Then I would stop, then I would block again. I would do this continuously.

However, because of avoiding speaking situations, and through body language and gestures, I was actually able to get around it in social situations. If I knew I was going to block … and I know I’m going to block … anybody who doesn’t stutter; .. I know when I’m going to block. I know the words I’m going to have problems with a few seconds before I get to them. So if I felt a block coming on, I just wouldn’t say anything … I would use a gesture, body language, what ever … or I’d kind of get a friend to do it.

The only problem that I had was when somebody confronted me and I had to give them an answer. For example; if somebody asked me what my name was. All stutters hate this question.

And then in my early 20’s my speech problem became a whole different animal. It was worse then, then it’s ever been. Even now I speaking very well compared to how I spoke then.

At that time, I was about 23, and I would begin to talk and my jaw would open, and I would basically lock my jaw open. My voice box would seize up, and I would completely block. And basically, I would just … I would be trying to talk and [demo-Open jaw] …

It started off just locking open a little bit, and then after a while, it exaggerated until I was locking my mouth completely wide open, in order to try to get this thing out … and I just … I could not speak at all.

It was pretty bad. Honestly, I don’t know how I got a job, I don’t know how I did anything. I really can’t figure out how I maintained any of my friends or maintained my job, how I even managed to move up to Toronto.

But now my speech problem has once again become something completely different. Now sometimes I will get stuck on a syllable and I will lengthen that syllable and I will exaggerate it, and I won’t have any control over my pitch or the volume.

Also something that I have too, is that once I begin to block, I will … because once I get past a block, I don’t want to take the risk of blocking again, I will use every bit of air that I have .. even after the point where nobody can hear me speak. Sometimes I will keep talking after all my air has run out, nobody can hear anything that I am saying!

So hopefully this will all be fixed!

One more thing too; a lot of times a stutterer will get stuck on a specific word or a specific sound. For example; the S sound, or a popping sound like P or B. And they can’t get past that at all. I always figured that, as a kid that, it was only specific sounds, and once I got though those, I’d be fine. However, I’ve found that, I’ve gone through every single sound and at one point in my life I could do the “S” sound with no problem, and at another point, I would be stuttering on that and the “S” sound would be my problem. And then a year after, I wouldn’t have problems on S’s at all, but I’d have a problem on B or P for example.

I also found that; my stuttering has changed. It’s gone from a regular stutter which I found highly irritating into the mess my speech is now. I wish could have s-s-s type of stutter! I wish I had a normal stutter. I mean I wish I didn’t do this at all … but if I could go back to a normal stutter .. I’d be pretty damn happy!

So it kind of grows and evolves. And my stutter has gotten worse.

I mean even now I feel like I’m speaking fluently, compared to how I normally speak. And how I normally speak, I feel is a lot more fluent than how I was in my early or mid 20s. … if you can believe that. In my mid 20s I was almost 100% non-fluent. I mean .. I could not speak at all.

Anyway, I hope I haven’t gotten too much off the beaten topic. And again; welcome to Pebbles Under The Tongue.

Welcome to Pebbles Under the Tongue

2005-09-08T12:07:00.000-04:00

My name is John MacIntyre. I am a 37 year old software developer living in Brampton, Ontario, Canada. I am married with 2 kids (3 before this blog is finished). I am a fairly normal guy in all aspects of my life with one exception; I have been stuttering since about the age of 7. This problem has influenced every aspect of my life, from what I order at McDonalds to the career I chose.

Over the years my stuttering has changed quite a bit and has cycled through almost total fluency and total non-fluency. At one point in my life; my jaw would lock wide open and nothing would come out until I almost passed out from not breathing. Then I would take a breath, try again, and lock again. This could go on for up to an hour.

My stutter has also changed over the years from the normal s-s-s-stutter to blocking* to something completely different. As it is now, over the phone I could easily be mistaken for somebody with a serious mental illness.

Anyway, on Friday, I received a letter announcing that I have been accepted into an intensive Precision Fluency Shaping Program starting on October 17th. Basically I will be attending speech therapy full time for 3 weeks.

My experience in therapy is what this blog is all about.

Questions and comments are welcome, I will read everything. I’ve tried to anticipate some questions you may have about the blog. Please find them below.

Thank you for joining me in this experience.

Regards,
John MacIntyre

What does “Pebbles Under the Tongue” mean?

I met a stutterer, in 1993, who grew up in India. When he was a child, and his problem became apparent; his parents took him to the doctor. The doctor told him to go to the beach every day, place pebbles under his tongue and read the newspaper aloud! WOW that's bad !!! While my speech therapy on the other side of the world in Nova Scotia was a bit more sophisticated, it wasn’t any more effective.

Why blog this?

Well there are a few reasons why I am writing this blog :

Give an overview of my problem.
Explain how it has affected my life.
Give an overview of the Precision Fluency Shaping Program.
Journal my unique experience in the therapy.
Hopefully provide insight, hope, and/or inspiration to others who share my infliction.

What will I try to cover in this blog?

I see this blog as having 3 stages each with it’s own objective :

Preceding therapy – A couple times per week, I will try to explain my problem and how it influences my life. I may provide videos online to show how I currently stutter and problems I have interfacing with the world. My views on the following topics will probably be covered:
* Stuttering as a disability
* How others react, and how it has changed as I get older
* The Precision Fluency Shaping Program
* Growing up with a speech problem
* Effects on job searching, career direction, and career limitations.
* Videos of my interfacing with the world
* A day in the life
* Answer any questions anybody has
During therapy – Every day I will discuss my therapy, what I’ve learned, and how I’m proceeding. Online videos of me practicing and transferring the learned skills to the real world are a possibility.
Post therapy – Discuss my follow up, progress, and issues transferring what I learn into the real world. Joining toast masters is something I am seriously considering. Follow up posts will probably be weekly at first, then taper off over the next year.

* Blocking is where the voice box closes before air starts passing through, so you end up trying to push the air through forcibly. But the harder you push, the tighter your voice box gets, making it even more difficult to break the block.