Pebbles Under the Tongue

Update and PFSP Information

2006-10-30T19:50:00.000-05:00

Wow, have I been slacking lately! ;-)

Somebody sent me an email this evening asking where he could find more information on PFSP. After I finished my ussual overly verbose reply, I realised I should actually post it on my blog.

But while I'm here, I suppose I should update you on my current status. I still don't practice as much as I should, but I do still practice. My transfers are inconsistent, but things like the drive through, have become an almost daily event ... it's not something I think about too much any more.

I had originally planned to stop the blog after a year had passed, which would have been October 17th. But I still have a few things I want to say, so I'm going to wait until I have the time to say it. Then I'll end the blog officially.

Anyway; Info on PFSP.

The program I took was at the Speech Foundation of Ontario

The program was originally created by Ronald Webster

Ross Barrett runs a similar program in the states.

Also; Judy Kuster has a lot of links and may have more detailed information. Or you can Google her site (pfsp OR "fluency shaping" OR "P.F.S.P.") site:mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/

If you still can't find anything, you might want to contact Tom Weidig, he probably knows of a link.

Good luck.

Transfer-Wk 42,Mon-Excuse lecture & a movie link

2006-08-21T06:21:00.000-04:00

Vikesh posted a trailer for a DVD called “Transcending Stuttering: The Inside Story”. I believe the DVD is available from the National Stuttering Association.
Also, I recently saw this advice given on Yahoo Groups. And thought it was a good lecture on fear and excuses. Enjoy ;-)

Diva,
Consider this...How mant times in the last 10 years-- have you tried to make friends and been rejected--where they said "I don't want to be your friend because you stutter" ?-- How many jobs have you gone for and been told "sorry, we can't hire you w/ that stutter" Consider that it is FEAR of stuttering that is holding you back and not the stuttering itself. The person rejecting you.. is YOU ! You are saying "I can't be his friend,.he won’t like me because I stutter" or "I can't get that job.. I stutter.. I wont even try" Notice -- You are married. You have two kids.. you are a dental assistant.. Do you know how many fluent people never even achieve that ? I know you're thinking "yeah, but.."--but step outside yourself.. Look at yourself objectively.. Most people have a "reason"--a scapegoat-- a fault in their character they blame for not having all they want.. Ours is often stuttering..."I can blame the stutteirng-- I didn't get the job because I stutter.. I don't have friends because I stutter"- -b ut apparenty some people like you and hire you..and you're doing OK in life.. DO you honestly believe if you didn't stutter.. you'd be the most outgoing, super employed person on Earth--that you're perfect in every other way and only stuttering is holding ya back ?
Nah, Diva is holding Diva back : )
From Yahoo Groups-Stuttering Support

PS-Sorry for the recent silence, but I’m still alive …. I’ll try to post more often.

FYI: Rommel's 3rd Annual Charity BBQ

2006-07-26T07:24:00.000-04:00

At the annual PFSP last December, we were informed about Rommel D'Souza and his charity BBQ. Here’s what I wrote about it at the time.

“Rommel’s Charity BBQ was discussed this morning. Basically, one of the past participants got this idea to have a charity BBQ, and took the initiative to do it. He didn’t throw it out there as an idea, but actually made the arrangements, started inviting people, and looking for sponsors. Last year he raised about $3,000.00, which covered his expenses, paid for 2 people who could not afford therapy to take the program, and there is over $500 remaining, which will go towards somebody’s therapy at next years BBQ.”

Well August 12 is the 3rd Annual Rommel's Charity BBQ.

It’s a great cause, and he’s doing it in a financially responsible way. Check out his Financial Accountability page.

If you can’t make it, you can contact him directly to make a donation.

Transfer-Wk 37,Mon-Finally, a new post

2006-07-17T18:49:00.000-04:00

My previous post seemed to imply that I’ve been on vacation for a heck of a long time. Strangers stumbling onto my blog, may assume I’m either so rich I can take a 6 week vacation, or that I was “detained” indefinitely in a communist country. ;-)

Fact is, I’ve just been busy. Actually, I’ve been so busy, that I’ve barely read an email that isn’t from a paying client.

Maintaining a blog is a lot of work, which is probably the reason so many bloggers fail to keep their blogs alive. Tom is doing a good job though, and Sophie seems to have kept A Secret Stutter Exposed pretty active since March, even though I’ve barely read either since before my vacation.

I did meet the doctor at the resort when I was there, so I asked about stutterers in Cuba. I was curious about how people who stutter would be treated in a communist country. Were they given therapy, or pigeon holed into meaningless occupations by some ignorant bureaucrat. The doctor told me that any child displaying a speech impediment would be given therapy (although I didn’t ask what kind).

Anyway, I will try to blog more in the future. I want to maintain the blog until October, so it’s not much longer. Also, I have a therapy follow up on Wednesday, so there should be something to say after that.

On Vacation

2006-06-20T19:03:00.000-04:00

Hi,

Sorry I haven´t updated my blog for a while. I´m on Vacation in Cuba for the next week. My internet connection is sllllllllllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww ... so I don´t know if I´ll be able to write too much this week.

Thanks for understanding.

BTW-Airport security stopped me on my way into the plane because of my stop watch.

Transfer-Wk 31,Thurs-Break from Toastmasters & PFSP Mini Refresher

2006-06-08T22:44:00.000-04:00

2 things:

I’m taking a break from Toastmasters for a while. I seem to have forgotten my goals were originally to push my controlled fluency out of my comfort zone. But lately, I’m using spontaneous fluency more often with mixed results. Whether I’m stuttering or not, is irrelevant since speaking fluently without control is just as counter productive as stuttering.
So, I will be taking a break from it until I get my act together again. Perhaps I’ll try the Toastmasters for People With a Stutter … if I can get downtown at that time.

I’m going to a PFSP mini-refresher tomorrow (Friday). I’m pretty excited about it, and definitely need it. I will try to post something tomorrow evening to let you know how it went.

FYI: Mudiaga video

2006-06-05T09:05:00.000-04:00

I just ran across this video of Mudiaga from a documentary called Help Me To Speak.

In the video, Mudiaga's frustrations are not appearent trying to book an appointment over the telephone. Also, the person he is speaking to, is well mannered, but it is still (I assume) easy for a non-stutterer to recognize the frustration stuttering can cause. In my humble opinion, the scene was well done.

The comments are sympathetic for the most part, and a couple bloggers wrote about it, both supportive and mocking.

Update [Aug 21,2006]: The video has been taken down a couple times, if it's broken again, do a search on "stuttering" on YouTube to find it again.

Transfer-Wk 30,Mon-Accomplishments

2006-05-29T11:42:00.000-04:00

Last week I started at the new client I mentioned previously. It felt really good to start there, and I’m excited about the project I’m working on. The requirements, my skills, and the client are good mix to really make a leap forward in their business.

But what I feel best about is that for the first time in over a decade of working in an industry where people make huge hourly rates, I am finally making the going rate. I’ve seen first year programmers go on to make $90/hr, based solely on their projected image. Some went on to increase their pay even more by ripping off the consulting companies who got them the great rates, then writing bug infested programs for the client. I’ll be the first to admit that these programmers may have been so much better than me that I wasn’t even smart enough to realize it … but I do believe it was image that got them the huge rates. Image is something I’ve had trouble projecting due largely to my stutter.

Sorry for the rant, but I’ve felt under paid for a long time. Mostly this has been due to the unwillingness of headhunters to send me on interviews because of my stutter.

My stutter has increased a bit working at the new client. It’s bad enough to be obvious, but not bad enough to hinder my ability to communicate confidently. I’m missing Full Breath targets a lot, and I’m not stretching my syllables enough. After my therapy, I was stretching my syllables enough to maintain my fluency, and received only positive comments from people, but I still feel self conscious stretching … it’s a psychological thing I’ve really got to get past.

I need more structured transfers.

Because I’m only there 2 days per week, I’m sitting at somebody else’s desk, and their phone rang while I was there. I wasn’t going to answer it, but thought if I don’t answer it and it’s somebody looking for me, it might look kind of weird. So I answered it. This is something that would have terrified me previously, and not that I was enthusiastic about it this time; I did it anyway.

“John MacIntyre speaking” … omg! I did it. Full control.

It turned out they were looking for the regular person who sits there, so I just told them I was new and temporarily sitting at their desk. The whole conversation was in full control, and uneventful. WOW, an uneventful phone call! I love it! Hallelujah!!! ;-)

So that was a big accomplishment for me this week.

I also made 3 … count em … 3 … THREE … successful drive thru attempts last week! None were structured, and I actually wound up in the drive thru from some turn of events which prevented me from going into the restaurant. (btw-I’m not a total fast food freak, but I do like coffee.).

All of these were in full control … it was pretty cool. Maybe I’ll attempt the Timbit transfer again in the coming month! … I’d like to nail that one.

I’ve got a Toastmasters speech on Wednesday. I’ll let you know what happens with that on Thursday. My last few have been getting worse and worse, so I have to work hard to make sure this one is as effective as I would like.

Overall I’ve also noticed an improvement using phone in everyday life.

Transfer-Wk 28,Wed-Successful interview

2006-05-17T10:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I found myself sitting in a boardroom with an IT manager and the Controller of a fairly large company here in the Greater Toronto Area. I was being interviewed for a part time position to maintain, augment, and possibly refactor their current system.

It sounds like a great project, I see them as possibly another long term client. This also diversifies my income so I’m not as affected by the decisions of a single company. And the entire opportunity came as the result of a casual conversation I had with another Toastmaster a few months ago.

Since I would have avoided casual conversation before my therapy, and never would have met this person, had I not been in Toastmasters, and I would have not been in Toastmasters had it been not for my therapy. You can track this opportunity directly back to my speech therapy.

This isn’t even to mention that my interview went so well without my stuttering getting in the way. Don’t get me wrong, I did stutter, but I was able to control it for the most part, and quickly recovered when control slipped away. I also surprised myself by self correcting when I stumbled.

I was also able to avoid a major problem I’ve had in the past in interviews, where my fear of stuttering kills my confidence, and the lack of confidence makes all the great things I’ve done on my resume look like lies.

For the record, I did get the position, and start next week. I’m really looking forward to doing a great job for them.

Transfer-Wk 28,Mon-Bombed Toastmasters speech

2006-05-15T09:33:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned last week, on Wednesday I did my fourth Toastmasters speech. I didn’t do so well, and messed up in a number of areas, including stuttering pretty badly.

The first thing I did wrong was plan my speech before reviewing the objectives laid out in my Toastmasters manual. This messed up everything, and left me scrambling for a topic at the last minute since my original idea did not mesh nicely with the objectives. Things spiraled from there, with me not having transparencies, not memorizing my speech, not reviewing my speech using my fluency targets, etc.

I thought I could cheat by listing my key points on large flip chart, but the marker ran out so my list was barely visible, there by aggravating the listener. I stuttered throughout my speech, forgot 12 out of 13 key symbolic phrases, dropped my notes, and knocked the best speaker trophy off the table before my speech ended.

It was a disaster.

Oh yeah, and I again forgot to record it. ;-)

I was shocked by the feedback I received though, since it was overwhelmingly positive. At first I wondered if I didn’t appear to do better than I felt, or if everybody thought I was stuttering when searching for words, but now I feel the comments I received were fluffed to artificially subsidize my feelings.

To my fellow Toastmasters, I must appear to be getting worse, since on a scale of 1-10, I probably started out as a 5, only to slide back to a 3. Little do they realize I was a 1 (or less) before my therapy last October, so I’ve actually improved.

Saturday I went to a Demosthenes Society meeting. I am constantly amazed by how much these meetings allow me to focus on the skills I learnt in therapy. The member who ran this meeting was speaking with amazing control. It was very inspiring!

We actually had a spelling bee.

What?!? You’re joking right? ahh … nope … we did.

First off let me say that I spell very poorly. I jokingly tell those who mock me; as a programmer, my compiler requires me to spell consistently, not correctly. ;-)

Secondly, I’m not sure about other stutterers, but I bet they felt the same amount of anxiety about spelling bees growing up as I did. To many people who stutter, forced speaking situations are guaranteed humiliation. So hearing ‘spelling bee’ automatically turns my stomach.

But it was a fantastic idea. The member who put it together, had us :

Spell the word (which I think he got out of our PFSP manual)
Use the word in a sentence
Name the appropriate targets for the word.

Kudos to the guy who set up the meeting.

When I am exposed to things like Saturday’s spelling bee, or the meeting formalities at Toastmasters, it immediately seems kind of ridiculous. But you need to remember the purpose of the event. The purpose of both of these events is improved speech (accurate articulation of thoughts and/or fluency), and the activities revolve around these goals.

Transfer-Wk 27,Mon-Burnt out

2006-05-08T10:54:00.000-04:00

Rob posted a comment on my last post:

How did your transfer go in Toronto this week?

Well, I really over estimated how much time I’d have to spend on this, but I can say this; the time I spent doing transfers had a recurring theme; missed Full Breath and Stretched Syllable. I am speaking way to fast, and not breathing properly at all.

To tell the truth, I’m feeling really run down, hence the recent lack of postings. I’m forcing myself to do my daily exercises and routine communications. It’s not just my speech therapy though, it’s everything. Maybe I need a vacation … it has been a year … I think I’ll take a couple days off later in the week.

There are a couple challenges coming up; Wednesday evening, I have my 4th speech at Toastmasters, and next week, I have an interview with a new client. This interview is important to me since it will allow me to diversify my income to a point where I will not be completely dependent on any one client … that will be great!

On June 9th, the Stuttering Centre will be putting on a One-Day Spring Refresher. That will be nice. I question their choice of doing this on a weekday, but it will be worth rearranging my schedule. These events always get me back on track and keep me motivated.

I’ll let you know how my speech goes on Wednesday. I will try to remember to record this one, but so far, I’ve been so wrapped up in the moment, that I’ve forgotten every time.

Transfer-Wk 26,Tuesday-Starter sounds

2006-05-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

This morning doing my shaping, I caught myself doing something which I’ve noticed throughout and since therapy. Basically, I have found that I will often use starter sounds. For example; until I corrected myself, today I was using a little ‘n’ sound in front of my ‘d’s, and putting a ‘u’ in front of the word ‘in’. So ‘dime’ would be ‘nnnndime’, and ‘in’ was being pronounced something like ‘uuuuuin’.

I suspect 2 different things may be happening here.

1. ‘Dime’ may be a feared word, since ‘D’ is a plosive sound, which has historically given me problems. I seem to be preventing full closure of the vocal tract, thereby allowing the ‘d’ sound, which should be silent until broken through, to be voiced. Since the articulatory tract is so similar (if not the same) for ‘n’ as for ‘d’, I reason that cheating before the ‘d’, naturally becomes ‘n’.

But, what is the difference between the ‘d’ and the ‘n’? There is a difference, but I haven’t been able to figure it out. What happens differently when I make the sounds ‘ne’ and ‘de’? I know ‘d’ in ‘de’ is a plosive breakthrough, but I can’t really feel what is happening differently. What is the distinction moving from ‘d’ to ‘e’, versus moving from ‘n’ to ‘e’? Why do they sound different?

Is the difference at the voice box? Is the sound blocked at the voice box for ‘d’? Or is it blocked at the vocal tract like it is for other plosives like ‘p’ and ‘b’?

2. ‘In’ may also be a feared word. On a conscious, rational, level I can’t isolate it as such, but I do know ‘I’ is a sound which came to my attention in therapy, when we started the gentle onset target. It’s a sound that just feels wrong at a gut level even when I know I can say it. Actually, this is one of the sounds which I felt weird about not word switching.

I think this is just the kind of thing I will need to keep on top of until it fades away. It’s like quitting smoking, you suffer for 10 years, then it just kind of goes away.

I’ve also had a problem with the Reduced Articulatory Pressure target (RAPII) lately. This is an easy target to tell you missed, because even if you don’t recall missing it, you’re tongue feels like it was almost bitten off. ;-)

Tomorrow I will be in Toronto. My commitment times and locations are not exactly compressed for efficiency, so I should have 30 minute chunks all over the place to do some good transfers. I also have a teleconference call tomorrow, so it should be an interesting speech day. I just have to avoid getting up early like last time. ;-)

Transfer-Wk 25,Thursday-Why I practice

2006-04-27T17:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday at my follow up, we were talking about motivation to do our practice. Not what we need to do … but why are we doing it in the first place?

Why should we spend an hour a day practicing our fluency?

This was so obvious to me it wasn’t even funny!

Why am I spending the time practicing?

In a nutshell, I firmly believe it’s the difference between me spiraling upward into financial prosperity, self respect, and happiness. Or spiraling downward into financial despair, social reclusion, and despondency.

I don’t believe there is any middle ground for me on this one. I’m not going to get a job using my talents to full capacity, and work to retirement. Any job I get will leave me vulnerable to the uncertain decisions of others. Job security is possibly most mythical in software development and construction, which may look different to an outsider, but contain the same cyclical economic / youth centric nature.

Basically, if I can do what needs to be done, I’ll prosper. If not, I’ll never maintain my current position. What ever the result is, it will probably reinforce itself into every other area of my life.

And the bottle neck is my stutter.

Transfer-Wk 24,Fri-Velocitization

2006-04-21T10:26:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed, after driving on the highway for a while, your perception of speed changes?

When you get off the highway, and are halfway down the ramp, you check your speedometer only to find you are doing 80km/hr (50mph) in a 50km/hr (30mph) speed limit. So you slow down till you feel like you are almost crawling, check again, but your still speeding! So you slow down even more, but you’re still speeding! And again, till you finally settle on speeding just a bit.

Well, it’s called “Velocitization”. I first learned this concept when I took drivers training through Young Drivers of Canada. I’ve never heard the term before or since, so I don’t know how well known it is. In case it isn’t well known; here is YD’s interpretation from their website.

17) VELOCITIZATION
When we accelerate from 50km/h in the city to 100km/h on the freeway, initially we feel that we are going very fast. But after a few minutes at the new speed it feels normal. We have become velocitized. Velocitization makes driving on the freeway less scary and makes it easier to go with the flow of traffic. But there is a problem. When we drop down to 80km/h to enter the next exit we feel as if we are going very slow but it is probably way too fast to enter the curve at the end of the exit ramp. To avoid this problem we need to check the ramp speed warning signs and glance at the speedometer to make sure we have slowed down enough.
From Young Drivers of Canada

Well, occasionally, I experience velocitization with my speech. Specifically; with regards to the stretched syllable target.

When I’m busy, and ‘in the zone’, I’m hustling around like a mad man. Wasted time could be measured in nanoseconds, every task switch is in perfect flow, my internal clock is racing and time appears to stands still.

When I need to speak, I attempt to drop my internal clock speed for the stretched syllable target. Usually miss it my first attempt and stutter. I stop, start again, and often am still speaking too fast. I keep stopping, self correcting, retrying with increased stretch (slowing down) until I finally have the control I need for fluency.

An unusual observation I suppose, but as I focus on my fluency more, I become hyperaware of all aspects of it.

Transfer-Wk 24,Wed-Avoiding yesterdays mistake

2006-04-19T04:56:00.000-04:00

Although I will not have the opportunity to speak with anybody for another 2 hours, I just finished my shaping (fluency practice). I did not want to repeat yesterdays mistake again today.

Transfer-Wk 24,Tues-Up early, but missed practice

2006-04-18T21:45:00.000-04:00

Although I have a deliverable for Thursday, another client scheduled a conference call with a partner in a project they are working on. Since I will be the one handling the technical interfacing, they asked me to be there (thankfully).

This really tightened my schedule, but I figured a way to manage it, which promised more time in front of my computer, hopefully resulting in an increase in productivity. It would also provide me with more face time with a multitude of people, giving me more time to practice my targets (fluency techniques).

My planned schedule went something like this :
6:00-Get up early, and do shaping
7:30-Take GO Train (commuter train) to Toronto
8:30-Take Subway to clients office
9:00-Work on Thursday’s deliverable
10:00-Conference call
11:00-Work on Thursday’s deliverable
12:00-Quick bite, 30-40 minutes doing transfers downtown
1:00-Work on Thursday’s deliverable
4:00-Possibly visit another client while in Toronto
5:00-Subway
5:30-Go Train home

By not taking my car, I could work while commuting, so my work commitment was covered. And the a) conference call, b) 5 train rides, c) conversations with at least 5 business associates, d) 2-3 restaurant/coffee shop visits, e) plus any structured transfers I did at lunch, would all assist me in practicing my fluency.

As long as I get up at 6:00, I’ll be fine. It all hinges on that.

Here’s how it went :

2:30am-Woke up early and started working. The day, I thought was off to a great start. Even though Lori, my SLP, told me in our last follow up to do it when ever I got the time, I decided to wait until just before people woke up. 6:00 as planned should be good, I thought … do my shaping, wake up my family, prep for the office, get on the train.

4:00-I considered doing my shaping, but thought it prudent to wait till 6:00am as planned … this way I’ll be fresh.

6:50-Just realized what time it was. Unfortunately (fortunately?), I got a little to caught up in the problem I was trying to resolve, and attempting to deploy it before I left for the train. It felt like 5 minutes had passed between 4:00am and 6:50. When I realized the time, I thought I would miss the train.

No problem … I’ll miss my shaping now, but I’ll do it at the office at 9:00.

9:00-After getting off the subway, I realized that I still had not eaten since waking up 6½ hours earlier. So I thought I’d grab some lunch, I will still get to the office at 9:30 at the latest, have plenty of time to do my shaping before the conference call.

9:30-Got to the office, setup in a spare office, and told anybody within earshot, what I would be doing … just so nobody thinks I’m talking to myself. ;-)

Yes, I am comfortable with this aren’t I? However, I should point out, I wouldn’t exactly do this at a regular consulting gig.

9:35-I got side tracked into another conversation.

9:40-I sat down to do my shaping. No problem, I can still manage it.

9:42-My client comes to my office, and tells me the conference call was cancelled. We’ll just meet now, to discuss the project amongst ourselves. So much for shaping now, I can do it right after this meeting.

11:00-The meeting went longer than expected, I just need to print out a sample then I can get back on track.

12:00-Discussing the sample, went longer than expected.

12:05-I realize the internet connection is down for the office I am at. I need a connection to deploy changes for my Thursday commitment. I spent the next few minutes scrambling to find another place I can work to meet my Thursday commitment.

12:30-Grabbed a quick bite to eat while traveling to another office to do some work.

Eventually, my shaping and transfers took a back seat to work.

Without the shaping providing that solid foundation, any attempts at a transfer, I feel, would only be reinforcing my stuttering speech pattern. Don’t get me wrong, I attempted to use my targets throughout the day, and was for the most part successful, but without the shaping, it’s not the same.

It’s kind of a disappointment since I don’t spend a day in the city very often, and the excessive interaction with other people would have definitely been helpful. It’s not even like you can make up for something like this with an artificially planned day, since the sacrifice to other commitments would be so great.

Perhaps I never should have turned my alarm clock off at 2:30am.

Transfer-Wk 24,Mon-Confidence

2006-04-17T13:46:00.000-04:00

I don’t have much time, but there is a thought on confidence and my stutter, which I’ve wanted to write about for a while.

About 6 weeks ago, multiple people mentioned how my confidence has increased since taking my speech therapy. It was strange, because it was coming from people I didn’t expect if from, it was totally off topic, and these comments came one after another.

To be honest, when I first heard it, I mostly attributed it to the person really not knowing me very well. But when others started repeating the same thing almost daily; I started to take notice.

Mostly though, I don’t think it is so much an increase in my confidence level, as it is a reduction in the likelihood of humiliating situations. Up until I took my speech therapy, every human interaction had a high probability of frustration and humiliation. But since my therapy, I’m usually able to speak fluently, or at least successfully recover when I stumble.

So I say things which would not normally be worth the effort. I speak to people without being forced to. I initiate casual conversations I would not normally engage in. I am friendly without the perceived danger of somebody talking to me.

Instead of a 95+% likelihood of embarrassment, there is now a 95+% likelihood of success.

So my natural confidence is not beaten into oblivion. And there-in lies my apparent newly acquired confidence.

Transfer-Wk 23,Thurs-Best Practices for Fluent Speech

2006-04-13T14:44:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I was speaking to a friend. Half way through our conversation he interrupted it to ask why I wasn’t speaking as I had a few days earlier, when I called him right after my speech exercises.

Essentially, he was asking; Why was I choosing to stutter?

That wasn’t exactly how he phrased it, but there was no doubt that was what he meant. Basically, I had forgot to use my targets and my stutter wasn’t bad enough for me to think about it yet.

I told him that the most difficult about my speech therapy, is that I don’t really need it once I finish the course. I will need it eventually, but actually choosing to use it when you were spontaneously fluent was very difficult.

I went on to provide an analogy; let’s say you had difficulty walking, and would trip over your feet randomly within every 50 steps. This would be highly irritating, so you take therapy. The therapy teaches you a special way of walking, with you concentrating on every step you take, including every bent joint and every muscle contraction from your abdominal muscles to your toe nails. The therapy works amazingly well, but the amazing this is; you can walk thousands of steps now without thinking about every step and still don’t trip.

You’re cured!!

Well, not exactly; your cure will be as fleeting as the enthusiasm gained at a motivational seminar. If you don’t realize this (as I didn’t in 1993 even though I was told), you go skipping down the street enjoying your life like never before, everything is great for a month. If you do realize it, you practice constantly and attempt to monitor your voice all the time (which I do now), but it’s still very difficult to do.

That was the analogy provided by me to my friend.

He quickly chalked up my analogy as a load of B.S., and went on to say : ‘I thought it was like the way a black belt would practice Karate. Even though he knows it, he practices every day.’

This caused a slight paradigm shift for me.

Practice as defined in the dictionary is “systematic exercise for proficiency”. So basically, my shaping every day is my practice. I practice to maintain and perfect my skills.

But what my friend was saying was, I should be practicing fluency as a doctor practices medicine, or a lawyer practices law. It’s a constant application of the recommended process.

Essentially, the 8 targets taught in the Precision Fluency Shaping Program, is a collection of Best Practices for Fluent Speech.

Disclaimer: Not meant as advice, please find ...

2006-04-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

I’ve struggled with the wording of this post for hours, and I’m still not happy with it. I’ve even struggled with whether or not I should even post it. But I do feel it’s important for me to say this, and I just hope my sincerity is reflected in my words.

Just before beginning therapy, I told Lori, my speech therapist, I had started a blog on my therapy. I told her I intended to update it throughout my therapy and for a year after my therapy ended.

I wasn’t really sure what they would say. Is this proprietary information? Would there be privacy concerns? Do I need permission for this? Will they refuse me access into the course? Could I get sued for doing something like this?

Briefly, I considered not even telling them. But I’m not a deceitful person, and although many may feel that would not be deceitful, I know it would have gnawed at my conscience. So I decided to tell them, letting the chips fall where they may.

To my surprise, Dr Kroll, who runs the Stuttering Centre, and Lori were both very supportive of it. Lori seemed genuinely thrilled to hear that I would be blogging about my experience, and Dr. Kroll seemed enthusiastic about my enthusiasm!

However, after a couple days in my therapy, a concern was cautiously expressed about the level of detail on my blog. The concern was; people might attempt to learn fluency shaping from my blog rather than a qualified Speech Language Pathologist. I hadn’t actually considered that, but I also didn’t want to lose the planned posts throughout my therapy, which would be the main source of the value to my blog. So I kept the detailed posts, and appended a disclaimer in the footer of each posting. Not meant as advice, please find a qualified therapist if you are interested in similar therapy.

Also, I want to point out; I was not “forced”, “coerced”, “told”, “persuaded”, or even “asked” to do anything; it was merely pointed out as a potential pitfall. The disclaimer was my idea.

Well I’ve become aware of more than one person attempting to learn fluency shaping from my blog. This bothers me a lot as I feel I may be doing everybody a great disservice, rather than adding the value initially intended.

Now I can appreciate the determination, and I do realize the costs associated with fluency shaping programs is a major investment, which is a stretch to most, and completely out of reach to others. But I really don’t think this is the kind of thing that should be attempted without a qualified therapist. I really don’t.

There are probably plenty of reasons for this which I’m not even aware of, but I do have an example from my own experience. As mentioned before, I took the program in 1993. I didn’t transfer the process successfully, my practice quickly fell off, and soon my post-therapy spontaneous fluency disappeared. When I attempted to re-learn it on my own, I basically half implemented the targets, resulting in a distorted speech pattern and because my therapist wasn’t there I did not receive the necessary corrective feedback.

Essentially … let me be frank … my speech pattern made me sound like a retard!

I apologize for the lack of political correctness, but I really do feel that I sounded like somebody lacking the mentally dexterity to safely use a fork. Especially on the phone.

I worry that a failed attempt to learn fluency shaping from this blog will provide the same results. Leaving the stutterer even worse off, trying to return to the old pattern.

There are just so many things to remember! Our brains just cannot handle it … seriously … supposedly, the human brain has a working memory capacity of 7±2 synchronous items. But in fluency shaping you have :

Syllable breakdown for each word
Sound class breakdown for each syllable
Target breakdown for each sound class
Targets and tactics for linking each sound
Plus thinking about what you are going to say

You just don’t have enough registers to process more than 7±2 thoughts at once. You will miss things for the first little while. Without a therapist correcting you until it becomes internalized; not only will you not know what you missed, but you’ll never know you missed it.

Also, from what I can gather, the clinic I went to could make a lot more money and help more people by publishing a self-help course for $100. So if learning this on your own were possible, I believe they would already be doing it … and better than I could. I don’t think they are trying to stay in business by doing it this way.

Coming back to the money, personally I feel it’s like education; if you know what your goals are and are willing to take full advantage of it by putting in the work, it will pay dividends. The $15,000 I borrowed to go to programming college while living off of unemployment and credit cards has paid for itself at least once every year since graduating.

So in a nut shell, a large investment in a course can be the best investment you make … but only if you work at it, and put in the full effort required to reap the benefits of the course. There were other students in my programming course who actually cheated to graduate … they thought they were paying for a diploma.

Anyway, please don't try to learn PFSP from my blog, I'm really not qualified to be teaching anybody. But I do hope you find enough information to make an educated decision whether or not pursuing therapy by a qualified SLP is right for you.

Transfer-Wk 22,Thursday.-Published in the Demosthenes Society newsletter

2006-04-06T23:52:00.000-04:00

Today an article I wrote on Therapeutic Blogging was published in the Demosthenes Society April newsletter. The article is basically a cleaner version of what I wrote a few weeks ago.

The Demosthenes Society is a support group for People Who Stutter. Although it is now open to anybody, the majority of members are PFSP graduates, and the meetings are really focused on fluency shaping techniques. I find it really helps me to focus on my targets, and motivate me to move forward with my therapy.

I would like to welcome any Demosthenes Society members, who may have made it here from the newsletter. Here is a list of all the postings I've written on the Demosthenes Society.

There are members in the Demosthenes Society who have maintained controlled fluency for years, with a few members who graduated from the PFSP 30 years ago! Hopefully, in 30 years somebody will be saying that about me. Anyway, please feel free to leave a comment, correcting any misinterpretations I may have about the PFSP technicalities. ;-)

You can read the newsletter here. There is also a really good article from the Wall Street Journal on the effects of stuttering on your job search.

As far as practice goes, today was pretty successful. This afternoon, I needed to make a phone call to somebody I really didn’t want to speak to, and would have been a total basket case under normal circumstances, but I was able to focus on my targets and speak with amazing control.

And this evening at the mall, I decided to utilize the environment to promote my own agenda, and turned my shopping into a practice session. It actually went quite well; I had great control, with only a few missed targets speckled throughout. The Full Breath (diaphragmatic breathing) target was almost always the missed target.

One thing did occur to me though; I seem to be only approaching approachable people. I have to wonder, is this a halfhearted approach? Maybe I should start planning to approach people I haven’t seen yet. For example; the next person to come around that corner, or the next person I see in a baseball hat, or the next brunette I see in a short skirt ... whoops! ... don't tell my wife. ;-)

Maybe after that I can start approaching the most intimidating person I see, do something offensive, then try to explain my way out of it. I’ll be saving my life, while monitoring my targets … but maybe that’s a bit beyond me right now. ;-)

Anyway, again; welcome Demosthenes Society members. I hope you find value in what I have written.

All postings-Phase I-Pre-Therapy

2006-04-06T11:02:00.000-04:00

Please find below a list of all postings for Phase I Pre-Therapy - How my speech problem has affected my life.

9/8/2005	Welcome to Pebbles Under the Tongue
9/12/2005	Transcript - Introduction video
9/19/2005	Similar articles on stuttering
9/19/2005	Effects upon my family roles
9/22/2005	Is stuttering a disability?
9/30/2005	Wendell Johnson's "Monster Study"
9/30/2005	Career limitations
10/4/2005	WARNING-Pre-therapy posts may be negative.
10/4/2005	Precision Fluency Shaping Program (PFSP)
10/6/2005	As promised the fishing picture
10/7/2005	When did I start letting this run my life?
10/10/2005	Past Therapy
10/11/2005	An exploratory search for a cure gone bad.
10/12/2005	Stopwatch & pre-therapy spontaneous fluency
10/14/2005	Dealing with the "normals"
10/15/2005	Great Quote
10/16/2005	Pre-Therapy Wrap-up
10/16/2005	The dreaded telephone

All postings-Phase II-Therapy

2006-04-06T10:55:00.000-04:00

Please find below a list of all postings for Phase II Therapy - My participation in the Precision Fluency Shaping Program.

10/17/2005	PFSP-Day 1-Intro and Stretched Syllable
10/18/2005	PFSP-Day 2-More Stretched Syllable
10/20/2005	PFSP-Day 4-Gentle Onset
10/20/2005	PFSP-Day 3-How speech is formed & Full Breath
10/22/2005	PFSP-Day 5-Slow Change and Reduced Air Pressure
10/23/2005	PFSP Week 1-Frustration
10/23/2005	FYI-Day 3 has been updated
10/24/2005	PFSP-Day 6-Reduced Articulatory Pressure & 1 Second Stretch
10/25/2005	PFSP-Day 7-Homework
10/26/2005	PFSP-Day 8-Amplitude Contour & Full Articulatory Movement
10/27/2005	PFSP-Day 9-½ Second Stretch
10/29/2005	PFSP-Day 10-Slow Normal & Shaping
10/31/2005	PFSP-Day 11-Telephone Transfer
11/1/2005	PFSP-Day 12-Telephone transfer lows
11/3/2005	PFSP-Day 13-Mental garbage and face to face transfer
11/4/2005	PFSP-Day 14-Talk about maintenance
11/4/2005	PFSP-Day 15-Last day of the program

All postings-Phase III-Post-Therapy

2006-04-06T10:47:00.000-04:00

Please find below an up to date (as of 04/06/2006) list of all current postings for Phase III-Post-Therapy - Progress and challenges transitioning to the real world.

11/8/2005	Transfer-Wk 1,Tues.-Fitting practice into my life
11/11/2005	Transfer-Wk 1,Fri.-Few speaking opportunities
11/17/2005	Transfer-Wk 2, Thurs-Demosthenes Society, Follow up, & Toastmasters
11/23/2005	Transfer-Wk 3,Wed.-Toastmasters Best Table Topics Ribbon
12/4/2005	Transfer-Wk 5,Sun.-PFSP Refresher
12/7/2005	Transfer-Wk 5,Tues.-After therapy video
12/8/2005	Transfer-Wk 5,Thurs.-First Toastmasters speech
12/16/2005	Transfer-Wk 6,Fri.-Entropy
12/22/2005	Transfer-Wk 7,Thurs.-Control
12/29/2005	Transfer-Wk 8,Fri.-Entrophy & My Solution
1/2/2006	Transfer-Wk 9,Mon.-Structured Transfers
1/3/2006	Transfer-Wk 9,Tues.-Fluency Resolutions
1/4/2006	Transfer-Wk 9,Wed.-Video; discussing maintenance
1/16/2006	Still alive
1/19/2006	Transfer-Wk 11,Thurs.-Word Switching
1/24/2006	Transfer-Wk 12,Tues.-Phone transfers delivered
1/26/2006	Transfer-Wk 12,Wed.-Another Toastmasters Ribbon
1/31/2006	Transfer-Wk 13,Tues.-Drive through resolution
2/2/2006	FYI: Free stutter devices for Florida kids
2/2/2006	Transfer-Wk 13,Thurs.-Drive through-2nd attempt
2/3/2006	PFSP in the United States
2/10/2006	Transfer-Wk 14,Fri.-Daily practice
2/12/2006	Transfer-Wk 14,Sat-Demosthenes Society
2/13/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Mon-Almost as good as a drive thru
2/13/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Mon-Web Statistics
2/14/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Tues-Drive thru #3
2/16/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Thurs-Telemarketer
2/17/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Wed.-Toastmasters speech contest
2/19/2006	Transfer-Wk 15,Sun-Eleven Timbits
2/20/2006	FYI: 13 Observations about people who stutter
2/23/2006	Transfer-Wk 16,Fri.-It's not just us
2/23/2006	Transfer-Wk 16,Thurs.-Maslow's hierarchy of needs
3/1/2006	Transfer-Wk 17,Wed.-Too busy to talk
3/10/2006	Transfer-Wk 18,Fri.-Therapeutic blogging
3/17/2006	Transfer-Wk 19,Fri.-Third Toastmasters speech
3/24/2006	Busy-News links on sidebar
3/31/2006	Transfer-Wk 21,Fri.-Missing a key component
4/5/2006	Transfer-Wk 22,Wed.-Parkinson's Law wreaking havoc

Transfer-Wk 22,Wed.-Parkinson's Law wreaking havoc

2006-04-05T09:57:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in my previous post; because I work from home on long term projects, I do not have scheduled commitments. Which Lori, my speech therapist, has pointed out as a lack of structure in my life and a possible reason for my scattered practice routine.

This lack of structure has contributed to a few problems in my life, which are not uncommon to those who start working from home. Problems usually include things like; interruptions, distractions, misplaced priorities, working all the time or not at all. When I first started working from home back in 1996, I felt guilty when not working. To emphasize the magnitude of what I’m saying; I felt guilty taking a break at 1:00am after working since 8:00am! … seriously.

I will work all day, all night, and weekends to complete something. I feel it’s part of the job, and IT IS part of the job … when I’m under the gun. Which based on past experience seems to be about every 3 months, but not year round!

So I appear to have inadvertently created a non-stop work day, where I’m available for work 24 hours, 7 days per week. And lately, I seem to be suffering from the effects of Parkinson's Law, which states "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion".

So essentially; according to Parkinson’s Law, I’m filling a 98 hour work week* with 40 hours worth of work. As you can imagine this plays havoc on the remainder of my life, family, health, speech therapy, etc…
*98hrs = 16 waking hrs – 2 personal maint. hrs x 7 days

So here is what I’ve done; starting this past Monday, I’ve told my wife, that I will stop working at 6:00pm … no matter what. This has greatly crystallized my priorities through out my workday, since I know my wife will hold me to it. I mean there are still bugs to work out, but it’s definitely helpful so far.

Since I’ve started doing this, I know that if I can’t fit something in, it will get dropped. So I’m forced to make a conscious decision to do my therapy, or not … it doesn’t just fall off the end of my day any more. And since Monday, I’ve managed to fit my practice in every day.

It seems kind of odd, that my work schedule could possibly effect my speech therapy, but I suppose it’s a life problem which is interfering with my speech therapy. I guess it’s more of a holistic of approach to fixing my problem. But it does appear to be the beginning of the kind of structure I need to maintain any kind of success in my speech … let alone my life.

Transfer-Wk 21,Fri.-Missing a key component

2006-03-31T16:54:00.000-05:00

Anybody who knows me, follows this blog, or has seen my before-after videos has to conclude; fluency shaping speech therapy works. Not that it was the goal of this blog to prove it; but I do hope my experience has contributed further proof that total fluency control is possible despite the level of severity.

Now having said that, my fluency is sliding, my practice is becoming even less frequent, and although I’ve accomplished major goals with my speaking (see any toastmasters post), I have not yet gotten to the point of having transferred my skills completely to the real world yet.

It’s hard work … not in the way, moving pianos is hard work, but in the way that losing weight is hard work. Really, losing weight isn’t rocket science. There is a simple formula for losing weight any idiot can learn; burn more calories than you take in. Pretty simple eh? Eat less or exercise more or do both.

So how is it that; the majority of North Americans are still overweight? Most people know how to lose weight, there are serious quality of life and medical issues to motivate us, and there is plenty of social reinforcement in that direction.

So why are we, as a society, so damn fat?

I chalk it up to self discipline. Or lack of it to be precise.

Self-discipline means doing what needs to be done whether you want to do it or not. For example, some children do not want to do their home tasks assigned by teachers. They would rather watch television or do nothing in particular. Such children are not self-disciplined. Unless they change their pattern of behavior, they will not be successful in the workplace as adults. What is true of some children is also true of some adults. A self-disciplined individual, however, realizes that certain things must be done in order to achieve long-term goals.

Seattle Pacific University: Themes in Morality and the World of Work

Lack of self discipline is, in my humble opinion, also the leading cause of my failure to do the recommended practice. I guess it’s a personal character flaw.

Having said that, I should point out; I’m not completely without character. I am a competent programmer who adds value to the world everyday and have run a profitable business for 9 of the past 10 years, with it being my only source of income for more than 6 of those years. Not bad since I don’t do sales calls or give out my phone number.

However; I do perform better in a structured environment. During therapy, I was able to attend therapy 5 hours per day, spend 3 hours in transit per day, get at least 3 hours of homework done per night, 12 hours homework on weekend, produce 6 detailed blog entries per week, get 40 hours work done per week, and still spend a bit of time with my kids.

Without structure, my performance falters. By working at home, I have almost zero structure. There is no start time, end time, lunch time, meetings … there’s nothing. As a result of this, 8 hours of work often takes longer than 8 hours, and hours per day increase as deadlines get closer. Don’t get me wrong, the work gets done, but often at the cost of personal/family time.

Anyway, my speech practice usually gets lost in the above mess. Lori, my therapist pointed out this lack of structure and it’s effect in my follow up session Wednesday. I knew I had a problem with this, but hadn’t really recognized it as ‘structure’ until she pointed it out.

Speaking of my follow up, I wasn’t even going to attend since my practice has been so dismal since my daughter was born. I attended, if for nothing else but to ‘not quit’. Personally, I feel that missing a therapy session is the first step in quitting. It’s like going to the gym; you get up at 5:00 and hit the gym everyday for months, and everything is going fine until one day when you say ‘I’m going to skip it .. just today .. I deserve a break’ … and that’s the beginning of the end of going to the gym.

Lori, told me to just do the shaping when ever I could, and the same with the transfers … just do them whenever … just not at bed time. But actually, if I still haven’t done it and it is bed time, not going to bed until it’s done, may actually be a good idea as well.

Something else which has occurred to me is the high standards our society places on us to feel successful at anything. I mean personally, for me to feel successful, I’d have to have a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, have at least a billion dollars, look like Pierce Bronson, have a wife who looks like goddess, have the level of respect and admiration of Bill Clinton, and have all my kids go on to achieve the same level of “success”. Some of that is an exaggeration … but I do wish I looked like Pierce Bronson. ;-)

So am I over reacting? Is this the standard road to successful fluency? Am I doing well?

Or am I a failure in my therapy? And am currently blogging about my failure to follow through?

Time will tell I guess. I suspect there are many who do not transition their skills successfully, not even as successfully as I have to date. Also, the fact that I haven’t given up, at least places me somewhere above the losers, but not quite among the winners. … off in my own little world I guess. ;-)

Like all the overweight chronic dieters out there, I lack the self discipline to complete the transition process. In future posts I plan to focus on self discipline and motivation as it applies to my situation.